"Are you feeling okay today?"
"Yeah… I just rarely have any alcohol when I go out because I'm usually working. But honestly, my apology goes beyond me getting sick. I just feel bad about some other things in general. I'm embarrassed about some things I said, and I was hoping we could start over or whatever."
"Well, I know how that is to regret things you say. God knows, I've said and done some stupid things in my life." He glanced at me with that movie star face. "But you didn't do anything regrettable, Ty," he said sweetly, sincerely. "I'm sorry you got sick is all."
"It's no big deal," I said with a shrug. "I slept well last night, and I feel a lot better now."
"It's relaxing out here," he said, kicking his feet out and staring upward, letting the sun hit his face. With his eyes closed, he took off his cap, letting the warmth hit his face as he basked in the sun. Sam was an ideal man.
He was so wonderful, handsome, and special that I just couldn’t let him know I had broken up with my boyfriend. The thought of giving him that bit of information made me feel vulnerable and maybe even like I was desperate. I didn't want him to get the impression that my breakup had anything to do with him. I wasn't altogether sure that it didn't have to do with Sam, but I would never admit as much to him. Saying that would be too much pressure. We had only just met, and we needed to maintain a working relationship.
As it stood, I wasn't sure if I was going to tell anyone I had broken up with Jacob. Instead, I changed the subject, and Sam and I began talking about the Dodgers, which led to other topics.
I didn't tell him or anyone else about Jacob.
I kept it to myself for an entire week.
There were a few days of texts from Jacob, and it took a while for me to finally feel closure, even within myself. We started filming, and all of us got busy, so I just kept it inside. We rehearsed for and filmed other scenes that didn't require me to be romantic with Sam, so I was never put in a position to come out with the truth for the sake of the series.
My sister noticed a change in me, though, and she started asking questions a week after it happened. I told her I had broken up with Jacob, but I hadn't told Alex about it or agreed to change the scenes with Sam. She asked me if things were awkward with Sam and me since that first night, and I assured her they weren't and that nothing had happened with us. That was the truth. Sam and I hadn't worked together much yet, but when I did see him, we weren't awkward at all. He was easy and wonderful, and I was relaxed around him.
I was used to being the glue that held things together at events, and Sam was like that here on set with the cast and crew. It was easy being around him because he was thoughtful, and he noticed things and made sure others were comfortable. He had just filmed a blockbuster movie. If any of us on set had the right to be stuck up or unapproachable, it would be Sam. But it was the opposite of the truth. Sam Allison was a genuinely good guy that you couldn't help but like.
He happened to be young, gorgeous, and unattached, and all of the women on set had crushes on him. There were several handsome guys around, but Sam was extremely popular. That was another reason why it was difficult for me to tell them I could kiss him now. It was just all so predictable with how irresistible he was. At this point, I hadn't told anyone besides my sister, and she was sworn to secrecy.
Chapter 8
It had been three weeks since I broke up with Jacob, and I had been handling it fine. My anxiety had been at bay, but that was all changing now. I went to sleep feeling okay last night, but I woke up at 5am covered in sweat and in the throes of a giant panic attack that I had done nothing to induce. It was like I had been electrocuted. I threw off the covers and took a deep breath to get my heart rate to slow down. I told myself I was not going to die and should go back to sleep.
I finally fell asleep, and fifteen minutes later, I woke up again, feeling the same way.
I did that about four times before deciding to wake up for the day.
It was the day I would be confronted with the option to kiss Sam. It was our first rehearsal for the egg scene, and Alex and some of the crew were going to be with us as we rehearsed.
I knew there was a kiss at the end of this scene, and Alex had already mentioned that Natalie would be on set today. I was also supposed to get with her about hair and wardrobe so we could match exactly. Cameron had sent me a text last night that said it wouldn’t be a big deal for rehearsal today, but that we had to be exact for the scene tomorrow. I didn't think I was stressed about the whole thing, but apparently, I was because I woke up with my body full of unwanted anxiety symptoms.
I tried to concentrate on other things, but my mind kept going back to the egg scene. I remembered the lines, and I imagined how it would all play out. I knew the scene was important to Alex, and I had the lines and instructions fully committed to memory. I had imagined Sam standing behind me while we said our lines to each other. I had audio recordings of us reading it, so I even knew how long it would take us to deliver each line. But it was impossible to know what it would feel like once we were standing next to each other.
I had imagined it a dozen different ways. I thought I was excited about it and looking forward to it, which was why I was surprised that I woke up feeling full of panic. My sister was still sleeping, and I tried to concentrate on my lines. But the underlying feelings of dread kept making me think of things that could go wrong.
I did not look forward to telling them I could do the kissing scene after they had already made other arrangements. I also didn't want the other girl to kiss Sam. I wouldn't normally obsess about things like this but my body was in this chaotic state, and it made everything seem worrisome.
"What are you doing up?" my sister said.
"Thinking about that scene today," I answered. I glanced at her. "You're up before your alarm," I said.
"You're up before me," she said like that was the more amazing fact, which it was.
I sat up. "I was about to go for a walk."
"A walk?" she said, since that wasn't like me, especially early in the morning. "Are you nervous about that scene?"
"Yes, but I'm not scared to do it—I wasn't yesterday. I'm prepared. I know my lines."
"I know, you did so good when I read it with you last night."
"Yeah, but you were standing a foot away from me, and I have no idea what Sam's going to do—how it's going to feel."
