Chapter 7
I knew I was going to break up with Jacob, but I had such mixed feelings about it that I walked and thought about it all morning. I was scared to leave him, and I knew he was going to blame the series. I couldn’t say that he was wrong… it was the series that led to this… and that felt humiliating to admit.
I also remembered my actions last night, and Sam was a factor. I had no idea if I would do the kissing scenes, even after I broke up with Jacob. It seemed cringy of me to go to them and say I could now kiss Sam after everything that happened the night before. He might not even want to kiss me after I barfed right in front of him.
To put it plainly, none of my options felt good. My emotions were all over the map, and my body was doing the same. I was not feeling my best. I wasn't hungry at all, and I shoved down a brownie bar so that I could have some coffee and try to shake the headache that formed by noon.
I talked to my sister a bit, but I just gave her vague answers and told her that I was having issues with Jacob, and we'd work it out. She knew we had our intense moments as a couple, and she had never been one to pry.
By 1pm, I found a quiet spot by the creek and called him. I had been texting him for a few minutes, and I asked him if I could call. I was shaking as the phone rang.
"What's up?" Jacob said, answering the phone.
"Where are you?"
"I told you, I'm at the house with Eddie and them."
"No, I meant what room, but can you get somewhere quiet so you can talk to me?" I was shaking and trying to get the words out. I was sitting on the ground outside with my head down and my eyes closed, concentrating.
"What's going on?" he asked. It sounded impatient like he expected me to tell him I was having a panic attack.
"We need to break up," I said.
The conversation that followed took about five minutes.
Jacob tried to tell me that I wasn't serious about breaking up with him, and then once I made him see that I was, he got mad and started reminded me of all the things he did for me. He named specific things that I would not have access to now. He said I should never try to get back with him because we were finished forever if I did this. Then he told me what a fool I was for letting the series come between us and how he knew this would happen when I agreed to it. He also made sure I knew what a big mistake I was making. He made sure I knew I would really regret it.
I was crying when we hung up the phone, but it didn't take long for me to stop. I felt relief. I felt loss and fear and a certain amount of emptiness, but relief was stronger than all of the negative emotions I was experiencing.
I tried to remember what we had said. The last part of our conversation was so heated that I couldn't even recall how it went. I halfway wondered if maybe he didn't fully understand, and we weren't broken up. But we were. We had to be. I knew he understood. It had just ended with a vague statement from him that had me lacking the feeling of full closure.
My thoughts were back and forth, and I had to assure myself it was finished. I knew I had said enough and ended it, but we had been together for so long that it didn't seem real. Relief wasthe feeling that grounded me in those moments when everything felt so uncertain.
The sun was high in the sky, and there were no clouds. I was in big sky country, and the sky was big today. I let the bright rays hit my face, feeling the warmth on my skin and trying to be thankful for the relief I felt.
I must've fallen asleep because I didn't hear footsteps approach. I became aware of someone standing over me because it blocked the sun, and things became a lot darker. I jumped, and sunlight streamed into my eyes. I closed them instantly, squinting and shielding my face with my hand.
"Hello?" I said, squinting.
It was Sam.
"What are you doing out here?" he asked.
I blinked. My eyes were still burning a little, but they felt better. He wouldn't even know I had been crying. He had on a baseball cap.
"I love the Dodgers," I said, sitting up and not answering his question. Sam looked like he could have been a baseball player himself. He was a large guy, and he had an athletic build. He sat down next to me, leaving a few feet of space between us, and I tried not to glance at him or notice him.
"You were just lying flat on your back," he said, smiling. "You scared me for a second."
"I know, I think I dozed off," I said. "I didn’t hear you walk up."
"Are you feeling all right? I saw your sister earlier, but you weren't around."
"Yeah, I'm good," I said. I stared at the ground and absentmindedly tore a blade of grass which I started fiddling with. "I, uh, I have regrets about last night, Sam. I'm sorry about that."
"About almost beating me at pool? I'm not mad at you for that. I just need to practice more."
I smiled at him because I knew he was joking. I glanced his way to find that he was smiling too.
