"I laugh at people who cheat. I've done that with Jacob. We laugh at what an idiot Eddie was for cheating on his last girlfriend. Misha. She was so nice. I had said I would never do that, and I know Jacob would never expect me to... but tonight I let myself get swept up. I didn't do anything with Sam, but I would have. If he had kissed me, I would have let him. I would have kissed him back." I put my head in my hands. "I can't believe I'm saying that. I feel horrible. I literally got sick when he mentioned Jacob's name."
"He mentioned Jacob's name?" she asked. "Sam did?"
I nodded. "He asked me something about my boyfriend."
"And it made you get sick?"
"Yes. This is why I freak out and think something is wrong with me. Do you think my stomach's okay? Am I okay?"
My sister made a clueless face. "I've taken animal biology, but I don't know… that's something you'd have to look up."
"I'm not looking it up," I said. "I'm just going to pretend I'm in the olden days without access to all those scare-engines. What should I do?" I asked, looking at her. "Jacob's helped me through a lot, and I'm scared not to have him there. But after how I felt tonight, I can't see myself… oh gosh… never mind."
"What?" she asked.
"Nothing."
"What were you going to say?" she asked.
I had been about to say that I could never see myself ever being as attracted to Jacob as I was to Sam, but I couldn't let myself say such a thing. I had been with Jacob for over a year, and the minute I left San Francisco, I was looking at someone else. I actually felt jealous of the girl who was getting to kiss Sam in place of me in the series. I had come close to saying that to him tonight. I was horrified at myself when I remembered things I did and almost did. I already knew I would regret a good portion of the last two hours of my life, and I thought it would be best for everyone if I stopped the damage now.
"Amelia?"
"Yeah?"
"Can I ask a big favor?"
"Yes, anything."
"Can we just not talk about this anymore? Obviously, I just threw up, so I'm nauseous, and I'm talking out of my head. I love Jacob, and I'm good."
"Are you sure you're okay?" she asked reluctantly.
"Yes," I promised her, even though I wasn't so sure.
"Do you want me to pray for you?"
"Sure?" I said in a questioning tone, since I wasn't sure what she was going to do.
She came over to me. I didn't expect her to do it, but she got out of her bed and physically came to me.
"What are you doing?" I asked, peering up at her.
"I'm just going to put my hand on you while I pray. Are you okay with that?"
"Yeah," I said. It was a word of agreement, but I said it hesitantly enough that she knew I was reluctant about the whole thing. We didn't do this as children. Our parents weren't the type of people who prayed. I was in a hopeless state of mind at the moment, though. I was sure that I was going to end things with Jacob, and I was terrified about being alone.
That was why my eyes began to sting the instant she started speaking and said, "Father, thank you that we're never alone. Thank you for having the ability to be right here next to us as individuals, and that you care about the details of our lives. Thank you that you are big enough and grand enough to do that for each of us. I pray that You'd calm Trinity's nerves." My eyes released hot, gushing liquid when she said that, and I tucked my face into the pillow where she couldn’t see me cry. "I pray that she would have Your peace—a peace that passes understanding. I pray that You would strengthen her and encourage her, and I pray that she would know how much You love her. Amen."
"Amen," I agreed in a light, normal voice, even though hot tears were coming out of my eyes and onto the pillow. "Thank you," I said, concentrating on keeping my tone normal. "Love you," I added.
"Love you," she said.
I felt and heard her retreat to her bed. I wasn't so sure about her words, but they made me feel touched and start to crynonetheless. I was still, and I just stayed there, being quiet and listening to the white noise machine that our mother bought and set up in our trailer.
I was thankful for my sister's words, but they didn't stop the worrisome thoughts from revisiting me for the rest of the night.
I had a restless night's sleep, and I woke up with sweat and panic all over me. It was our second day of getting settled on set. We had no responsibilities until the following day, and so I went off on my own, walking the paths at the edge of the land and intentionally avoiding people.
