"Going behind your aunts back again? Are you rebelling?" Javi's tone was playful.
I couldn't help but chuckle. "We all go through that phase, don't we?"
"Not me, I’ve been a perfect child. Anyway, sure. I'll come over."
The rest of the hour went by incredibly slowly and my anticipation grew worse as it did. When it was finally time to hear the results, I was ecstatic. They didn't announce it in front of everyone. Instead, they gave us each back our test papers and they had written what we scored individually and then what we placed with our partner.
Mrs. Montgomery insisted that we didn't look at the score until we brought it over to her. She wanted us to reveal our place together. Javi and I received our test and held it face down so that we could do the reveal with the principal.
"Are you guys excited?" she chirped when we were finally standing in front of her.
Javier nodded so I mimicked him, but I was anything but excited. My stomach was churning and my chest felt tight. Now that I was able to see what I had gotten, I didn’t want to anymore.
Despite my apprehension, I flipped the paper over at the same time as my partner. The first thing I saw was our place. Fifth. Principal Montgomery did not hold back her disappointed sigh.
Then I saw the individual score. Alright, I never expected it to be 40/40. I knew that wasn't a possibility when there were multiple problems that I didn't know how to do. But 18/40? That wasn’t even half right.
But I didn't let myself immediately crumble at the sight of the score. Maybe Javi scored just as low. Like he said, it was designed to be difficult. But I looked to my right to see his paper and written on it was 24/40. It wasn't a high score, but it was a good number of points higher than mine. That meant that if I had done just a little bit better then we probably would have placed higher.
I brought our score down.
"It's okay, boys." Our school principal gave me a comforting pat on the shoulder. "Fifth isn't bad and that doesn't take you out of the running. We just have to show up and show out next round."
She gave us a few more words of encouragement but neither of us had anything to add to her words. Afterward, she walked us out of the building and split from us once we made it to the parking lot. The competition starting earlier in the day meant that we finished earlier, and since it was before noon we were required to report to school for the rest of the day. I was not happy about it.
We were silent for the entire walk to his car. Javier wasn't happy but he was not sulking, unlike me. My lip stung because of how hard I was biting it, and my breaths were getting shallower. It was taking everything out of me not to break down in the middle of the parking lot.
I knew it wasn't that serious. I knew that I shouldn't have been as distressed as I was over something so meaningless as a competition for nerds. I also knew that we didn't get last place, so it could have gone a lot worse than it did. Yet, none of thatstopped how defeated I felt because this was the last bit of loss I could take before I lost it.
It was embarrassing that Javi was completely aware of this. I could tell he was by the way he stole glances at me a couple times. He looked as if he was about to say something, but he kept deciding against it. He didn't speak until we finally got to his car.
We were on the passenger's side of the vehicle and I was about to get in. His voice stopped me from opening the door.
"Are you okay?" Javi asked carefully.
I nodded because if I tried to speak actual words the only thing that would come out would be sobs. I wasn't facing him, if I did he would see the water in my eyes that I was fighting for my life to hold back. I pulled on the door handle, but Javier hadn't unlocked it yet.
"I don't believe you." The sound of his voice grew closer behind me. "You heard Mrs. Montgomery, this doesn't mean we've lost."
I nodded again before pulling on the door handle for the second time. I knew it was still locked but I yanked anyway.
"Eli, wait a second." I felt his hand on my shoulder as he turned me around to face him, and I tried to resist but he wouldn't let up. I kept my head down as my lip quivered.
Hold back the tears. The parking lot is the last place to have a breakdown.
But then he gently held my chin and tilted my head up, forcing me to meet his eyes. I was already struggling to keep it together, to hold back the tears. His softness was going to break the dam.
Javi's hand moved from my chin to behind my ear before cupping the back of my neck. His thumb rubbed up and down in a soothing motion as he watched me with both concern and sympathy in his eyes. "We did well.Youdid well, and there is no reason to be so upset."
"You don't get it, Javi," I said before sucking in a sharp breath.
He searched my eyes for the answers but there was nothing there. "What don't I get?"
My voice shook because I was still fighting the waterworks. "I can’t do anything right no matter how hard I try.”
"That’s not true." His tone was stern but compassionate.
"It is true!" I could feel the tears escaping from my eyes and slide down my cheeks as I yelled. "If I would've scored just a little bit higher then we would've placed higher. I messed that up for us.”
