“It is designed to be difficult, you—”
“In class you always do better than I do even though I am constantly—and I meanconstantly—trying my hardest to do well. I am so damn tired of trying because all of the effort in the world doesn’t change shit!”
Now I was shaking, and it seemed like there was nothing that I could do to stop it. I was having a breakdown over something that had no real impact on anything other than my self-esteem. There were others in the parking lot with us. I knew they were staring because I would stare too if I were them. Just like that, I was humiliated. I was too old to cry over losing but knowing that didn’t stop the storm of emotions showing their face.
Javier should have told me to suck it up. He should have unlocked the car, ordered me to get in, and ignored the entire outburst until we made it to school and he could get rid of me. If he would have done that I would understand. I would dry up my tears and save the rest of the mental breakdown for my bedroom.
But that wasn’t the type of person the guy I used to hate was.
He wrapped his free arm behind me and slowly pulled against him. I froze in his embrace, the feeling unfamiliar to me.People in my family did not hug, we told each other to get over it and move on. Save the tears for your pillow.
My rival was not like my family. His gentle touch made my heart swell and eventually broke down the walls that I was so desperately keeping up. Now I was sobbing into his chest in the middle of a motherfucking parking lot.
I hadn't cried in a while. I refused to let myself cry because it never did any good, it only made me feel weak afterward. Right now, though, crying did feel good.
It felt good because Javier wasn’t making me feel ashamed for not being able to keep it together. He didn't tell me that it wasn't a big deal, or that I should get over myself. He was my biggest competitor, yet he was the only one to make me feel seen.
He rubbed small circles on my back and kept murmuring in my ear that it was all okay. That it would be okay. Javi hugged me tighter than anyone had held me before and I had never felt safer.
"I have been trying to prove that I am worth something for my entire life and I still haven’t done it yet,” I choked out through sobs. “If I'm not good at anything, then what is my purpose for even being here?"
"What?" Javi pulled back from our embrace and his worried eyes met my wet ones.
"If I can’t do anything right that means my mom died for nothing! I took her life just to amount to nothing in the world and to leave my siblings orphans. They’ll never have any reason to be okay with me being alive.”
The words were spilling out before I could filter them. I had never shared these thoughts with anyone before, I had barely shared them with myself. To put them out in the open was taking more of a weight off my chest than I thought.
“No one is ever going to pick me if I can’t give them a reason to.”
Because maybe if I was the best at something they wouldn't hate my mere existence. At that point, I would have a purpose. I would have a quality that made me seem worthy, important, and even appealing. No one could tell me that I did not matter because I would have evidence that I did. Then, in turn, that would make loving me easier. I would be loved because they would have a reason to love me.
The thought was that proving myself would make people love me the same way they so easily loved those around me. It was ridiculous, no one else ever had to prove themselves to be cared about. It all came easily for them. If they could be loved just because, then why couldn't I? When everyone else around you is constantly overlooking you, you never feel seen. You don’t feel chosen, and that feeling is lonely.
Javier pressed his lips together, a sadness behind his eyes. "You being in front of me right here and now is proof that you belong here, okay? I couldn’t imagine life without you in it."
I sniffed. "You're just saying that."
"Amor, I mean it with all of my heart. Your intelligence, your competitiveness, even your failures, they don’t make your worth. They’re all just the pieces that make you,you. You don’t have to prove yourself to me—not now, not ever. You are worthy simply because you are, and a few mess-ups can’t change that. I’ll repeat it a thousand times if that’s what it will take for you to believe it as much as I know it’s true.”
I squeezed Javier as tightly as I could, as if letting him go would make him disappear. He made me feel—even if only for a second—that I was meant something. That I was not merely the cause of my family's downfall.
Javier rested his chin on the top of my head, and we stood in the gravel parking for what felt like forever. Everyone around us was nonexistent because the only thing that mattered in this moment was me and him.
“And Eli,” he said in my ear softly. “I choose you.”
Twenty-five
Eli
Javier took us to school after leaving Thinkfast: Valedictous Duo’s and his hand held mine the entire way there. Neither of us were in the mood to finish class for the day, but we were unfortunately given no choice.
Everyone congratulated us on our fifth-place victory, though I didn’t think of it as such. I didn’t speak much on the matter. Everyone could probably see on my face how unhappy I was with how the competition went, but no one said anything.
My mood improved when it was finally time to go home. I had Javier park a little way down the street just in case Macy came home early. It was not too far, but far enough to where it would not look like the vehicle belonged to someone inside of our home. There were no cars in the driveway, so I knew the twins weren’t home either.
Thank God.
Standing in the living room, I stared at Javier. "Uh...what do you wanna do?"
