Most of the notifications on my phone are just emails or social media notifications that don’t matter, so I just swipe away. It’s the text message waiting for me that makes me pause.
Trevor
I made it. I won’t be gone too long.
Something about this text doesn’t sit right. It almost feels ominous but I’m probably just overthinking it. Before I have the chance to decide on a response Atlas clears his throat behind me. I whip my head around like I was caught doing something wrong. He has a plate of food for each of us, but his eyes are locked on my phone screen.
“I didn’t mean to intrude. You looked upset or worried so I glanced at your screen, sorry.”
“Oh, it’s okay…” I say with a smile.
He sits both plates down on the table before sitting on the opposite side of the couch. “I know I should’ve probably asked before all of this began between us. I was being selfish and wanted to be blissfully unaware of anyone besides us, but do you have a boyfriend I should be worried about?”
Any trace of a smile vanishes from my face.
“A boyfriend… no. I would no longer call Trevor that. But it’s kind of complicated and hard to explain.”
“Do you think you could try? Try to explain it to me so I can understand.”
How do I explain Trevor without sounding like I’m stringing Atlas along? Lying won’t get me anywhere, not with how Trevor can be, so I tell him the truth. My mouth feels very dry all of a sudden but he deserves to know. Will he leave when he realizes I come with too much baggage?
“I… I’ve been with him for years. Well at least I was until recently. This is probably going to sound crazy, and if it’s too much for you to deal with then I’ll understand. I’m sure you’ve noticed I sometimes have a limp. I had to have surgery. Well, when I woke up in the hospital after the surgery, I had no idea why I needed it in the first place. But it was more than that. I woke up missing almost a year’s worth of time.”
My eyes start to water as I continue explaining this to him. He doesn’t cut me off or say anything, but I feel his warm hand take mine, giving me a reassuring squeeze.
“Th- there are moments where my dreams feel vivid enough that I wake up wondering if they were actually suppressed memories. They always feel too real.”
“What’s the last thing you remember?”
I pause for a moment to truly think about my answer.
“The last thing I remember before waking up in a hospital bed was watching a movie with Trevor. It feels like I blinked and was in that bed. I opened my eyes after surgery with no recollection of all that missing time. So much time just erased from my mind. No one would give me answers– not Trevor, not the doctors– no one. They said the anesthesia caused the lapse in memories. That it was normal and not to worry about it. But they refused to tell me why I needed the surgery to begin with. I don’t know why, but something felt off about the entire situation. He took me home to our apartment, which I didn’t even remember having. I told him I needed time away from him, time to recover, but it’s almost impossible to avoid someone when his name is on the lease. Hell, if I’m being honest, I don’t even remember moving to this town to begin with.”
Chapter 17
Atlas
Her confession has me reeling. I don’t think I’ve ever stopped to think about how hard it might be for her to not remember. I couldn’t imagine how I’d react to waking up and it all just being gone. Will she hate me if she ever finds out the secrets I’m keeping from her? It takes everything in me not to tell her everything.
The words slip out before I can stop them. “So what now?” Her confusion is evident on her face as her wide eyes lock onto mine.
“What do you mean?”
My heart is pounding in my ears. I’m not sure I’ll be able to survive depending on what her answer may be. “After everything you just said, where does that leave us? Where does that leave me?”
“I’m not following…”
“Do you want me in your life, Chaos? Am I just a placeholder for you while you figure everything out? I need to know what this is between us and if you plan to go back to Trevor. Save me from myself before I get too invested in something I can’t have.”
Her hand wraps around my wrist, stopping me in my tracks. I didn’t even realize I was pacing until she stopped me. “After everything I just said, that’s what you’re worried about?”
“Yeah. Why?”
“I wouldn’t have unloaded all my baggage at your feet if I didn’t want something real with you, Atlas. You’re standing here asking me what’s next when I was panicking thinking you were going to tell me to leave.”
“Then stay.”
“You don’t mean that.” I can see in the way that she looks at me she’s trying to rebuild every wall I had to break through. She’s trying to protect herself from the rejection that’ll never come.
