The messed up part about the whole thing is I know I deserve this.
I took her for granted and the world took her from me. I’m not stupid, I know I messed up. I know I should’ve treated her better when I had the chance, but I don’t think I’ll survive in a world without her next to me in it.
I lean down and gently place her into the passenger seat trying my best not to wake her. While I don’t mind the view, I can’t exactly leave her passed out, covered in mud and naked in my passenger seat, so I quickly grab the extra shirt I had in the back seat just in case of this moment. I put the shirt over her head, pulling it down her body. She jostles just a little bit as I struggle to get her arms into the correct holes.
A soft murmur passes her lips but she doesn’t wake up. It was so quiet, I couldn’t even hear what she said. I feel kind of guilty that she’s so tired. It wasn’t my intention to be so rough with her, but her and that bratty attitude she wields always makes me snap.
The ache in my chest tightens a bit more as I fasten the seatbelt around her body. Even after everything, her body still feels safe enough to be this vulnerable around me. I press a soft kiss to her head.
“I’ll always love you, Chaos.”
The words tumbled from my lips before I could even try to stop them. I freeze. I don’t move an inch while I wait to see if she hears me. After a few seconds without a reaction, I exhale a breath I didn’t realise I was holding. Thankfully, she’s still sound asleep. I don’t think that is aconversation I’d be able to have with her right now. I know she’s not prepared to hear it. If she’s ever ready to hear these words from me again, I’ll tell her every single chance I get.
It takes everything in me to pull myself away from her, but I know that I have to. I step back from her and close the door behind me. Rounding the front of the car as fast as possible, I slip into the driver’s seat, shutting the door as quietly as I can. Not being close enough to hold her feels like we’re worlds apart.
Cranking up the car, I reverse back onto the side road and start heading back to town. I don’t realize how rough the roads are until I swerve a few times, avoiding any pot holes so she’ll sleep fine. I don’t want to wake her. She shifts slightly in the seat when I swerve a little too sharp.
My t-shirt rides up, revealing more of her creamy thighs. My eyes linger on where the hem of my shirt sits for just a few seconds longer before I reluctantly tear them off her and aim them back towards the road. I take a deep, grounding breath, white knuckling the wheel hard enough to strangle it if it was able to breath in the first place. My hands ache, but I’m trying to do everything to keep my hands off her.
The original plan was to take her back to her apartment after this and we’d go out on the actual date part another time. I know the right thing to do. I know what I should do, but I don’t know if I can. I need more time with her. I’m not ready to leave her yet.
I debate my choices the rest of the way back to town. I make a mental pros and cons list, but it’s no help. The ache in my chest increases just a little more. I know the moment we make it back into town and I turn left heading towards my house instead of making the right to herapartment that I’m probably being selfish. I hope I’m not pushing her too far but I’m grasping for fucking straws at this point.
I tell myself maybe her spending time with me at my house will be a good thing. Maybe it’ll jog her memory even just a little. I try to convince myself that maybe spending time with me in my space will make some kind of difference. It honestly doesn’t matter what lie I try to tell myself while glancing over to her as she sleeps peacefully in my car, I feel it. Fear, loss, regret– the list goes on.
But one thing is really clear. I don’t want to lose her again. Whether she remembers me or not, I don’t want to let her go. I can’t.
She wakes up the moment I sit her down on the bathroom counter. Her eyes jolt open and she looks slightly panicked, until they land on me. I hold my hands up in mock surrender. I didn’t mean to scare her, but it warms my heart when she visibly relaxes when she realizes she was with me.
“The counter is cold. Give a girl some warning next time.”
I’m slightly startled by her carefree reaction. I expected some kind of anger from her, but I didn’t get any. I start talking before that changes, “Look, before you panic or something let me explain.”
She quirks a brow at me, gesturing for me to continue.
“I know this is not what we agreed to do. But you were sleeping and I didn’t want to just drop you off like what happened tonight– what we did back in those woods– didn’t mean anything. I couldn’t drop you off at your apartment like you didn’t mean anything. It changes things, Chaos. We don’t have to get into all of that right now. Hell, we don’t ever have to talk about it at all if you don’t want to, but I figured the least I could do was bring you back here, to my house, so you could get cleaned up. Let me clean up the mess I helped make and then cook you dinner. If you want to go back to your apartment after everything is said and done, then I’ll take you home. Just… just please let me do this for you.”
I wasn’t lying about my intentions, but I probably would’ve said anything to earn a few more hours of her time.
She makes a sound that resembles a sniffle and when I lift her chin to see her face better, tears are running down her cheeks. The panic sets in. I went too far. I already fucked this up.
“What did I do wrong? What did I say? I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you.”
She grabs my face and smiles through the tears. “You didn’t do anything wrong, Atlas.”
My panic lessens at the sound of my name leaving her lips. “Then why are you crying?”
“They’re happy tears, you big dummy. No one has ever cared enough todo anything like this for me.”
I brush her tears away and nod my head. I don’t trust myself to speak right now. I can’t tell her someone HAS done this for her before. I can’t tell her that, that someone was ME! My eyes begin to sting slightly as I face my back to her to turn on the shower. I’m fucking spiraling and I know it. Will I destroy my own heart trying to earn hers back? I didn’t even believe I had one until her.
Once the water is hot enough, I strip off my clothes before turning my attention back to her. She’s checking me out, not even trying to be subtle about it. Her cheeks pinken the moment she realizes I caught her staring. I don’t call her out on it, but I can’t hide the smirk on my face.
I wedge myself between her spread legs, and place both hands on her knees. My hands skim up her thighs taking the bottom of the shirt with me until they’re resting on her soft plump hips. I grip her hips harder than I probably needed to and pull her body flush against me. The gasp that escapes her slightly parted lips makes all blood rush south. My erection presses against her wet center, but it can wait.
This moment isn’t about that. This is about making her feel cherished and treating her like she deserves. This is aftercare not foreplay, no matter how badly I’d love to sink myself inside of her right now. I brush a kiss across her nose as I pull a stick from her hair. When she sees it, she laughs. I’d do anything to keep hearing that sound. The only sound I love more is her moaning my name.
Shit, I need to keep my head out of the gutters or I’d never survive this shower.
