I started trying to get answers from Trevor again, but still nothing. Trevor keeps brushing me off every time I ask about what happened. Every time I bring up the fact I don’t remember something, or if I ask about my health records, he gaslights me and tries to act like I’m crazy.
I know he’s hiding something, I’m not sure why but I’ll find out one way or another. I told him a while ago I needed time to recover from my surgery, that it was mentally taxing on me.
It seems to have the opposite effect I wanted. It’s like the more I try to distance myself from him, the clinger he becomes. I always have to lie and say I’m working in order to get him to leave me alone long enough to hunt down Atlas and see what he’s doing.
Should I stop stalking Atlas? Maybe, but I don’t think I can.
Not until I figure out why my body acts so differently to him. Why do I feel safer and more seen with a stranger when I can’t stand being in the same room as the person I was supposed to be dating? I probably shouldn’t have slept with Atlas until I figured out the Trevor situation, but it’s not like we’re still together. Despite how he tries to act, I’ve tried to break it off several times.
He just doesn’t seem to understand that.
He told me today he was going away for a week-long work trip, and he had to leave in three days. I was looking forward to him being gone. It means I might be able to go on a date with Atlas again. As much as Trevor seems like a good guy, I no longer feel for him the way I used to. I don’t know what changed.
I can’t pinpoint the moment it switched either.
I was with him for a long time, but it seems like my body knows something that I don’t, which has happened a lot lately. I just wish I could remember what happened.
Speaking of Atlas, it’s gone back to normal. Back to the way it was before our date. It’s been a few days since I’ve talked to him. We didn’t talk about the date or the swing set event. I was back to the shadows following him around like I didn’t know what it felt like to have him touch me.
It was maddening.
I now know what it feels like to have him look at me the way only he does, but does that mean anything? Just because I feel the way I do, it doesn’t mean that he feels the same.
At the end of the day I’m still his stalker. Will I ever be more? Do I want to be?
Chapter 14
Emily
I can feel my mental health slipping.
Other than when I find the time to stalk Atlas, I haven’t seen him. He hasn’t sought me out or made an effort to talk to me in person. I wasn’t even being sneaky about following him, yet he acted like I wasn’t there. Was he ignoring me?
I’m starting to think I messed everything up by sleeping with him the other night.
Was that all he wanted? Does he regret it? Does he regret me?
I can’t believe I ever thought I could be good enough for someone like him. There’s no way a man would want to be with the real me. Trevor spent years telling me that and trying to help me be lovable. I should’ve listened.
We’ve texted a few times but it’s not deep. It’s been basic small talk that leads to nothing. I can’t exactly ask him to label what we are yet, but I thought what happened on the swings changed things.
I need to clear my head. I’d go to Pages, but it now holds memories of Atlas. Will I have to find a new safe place? The book store no longer feels like it belongs to me. Over the last few weeks, my spot started to smell like him. I think he owns it as much as I do at this point. That only leaves one other place in this town to go.
I climb up the fire escape with ease. I don’t come here as often anymore, but it hasn’t changed much. The first time I climbed up here, I was still walking in that stupid boot on my foot. It’s a lot easier to climb without it. I get to the top and climb over onto the roof of the empty building. I think it used to be a movie store once upon a time, but it’s been abandoned for a while now.
The view from up here is amazing. The building is tall enough you can see almost the whole town from here. I climb up onto the raised ledge and plop down. It’s probably not the safest decision to make, but my body moves before I even process it. My feet dangle over the ledge– swinging in the wind. It’s kind of freeing. But the peace doesn’t last long.
The voice in my head starts whispering almost immediately. It would only take me sliding another three inches forward to fall. I lean forward and realize I’m higher up than it looks. Three inches is all that’s keeping me sitting on this roof top. My hands grip the ledge as I battle with the idea. It’d be so simple, but I wouldn’t be the one living the consequences of this decision. I scoot an inch further and watch as my feet swing back and forth.
The people below have no idea I’m even up here. They’re so busy with their own lives, they don’t see the girl currently sitting two inches away from going over the edge.
Will anyone ever see me?
Taking a deep breath, I scoot back and climb back over the ledge. I run to the other side of the rooftop, making my way back down the fire escape before I change my mind. I don’t think going up on that rooftop had the calming effect I was hoping for. I could’ve jumped. It would’ve been so damn easy to do.
No one is there to stop me, but I didn’t do it. I was only two inches from falling off, but I climbed back down instead. Even though the thought was tempting, I am still holding on to the hope that I won’t always be my own worst enemy. I’m smart enough to know the voice in my head doesn’t always have my best interest in mind.
I’ve lived with my own destructive thoughts long enough to know that.
