Another hail squall fled through, driving me to seek the same shelter. ‘I don’t know.’
‘No, I can understand that.’ He blinked at me. ‘Do you think it’s true?’
I sat on a small stump. ‘I don’t know,’ I echoed. ‘It all sounds stupid. It’s not what I remember at all. But what Idoremember is so messed up and confusing that I’m not sure what’s memory and what’s dream any more.’
Ross shuffled a bit closer. ‘It’s not your fault,’ he said quietly. ‘They should have told you. If it’s true, I mean, they should have told you.’
I gave a curious little half-laugh which lent nothing to mirth and everything to a kind of sarcastic agreement. ‘But then, if they’d told me beforehand, I would have brushed it off, and if they’d tried to explain to me once it got hold, I wouldn’t have listened. Icouldn’thave listened. My reality was so, well,real.’
‘That’s how psychosis works,’ he said, patiently.
We were silent for a few moments. The hail dashed off to bother someone else and the wind rushed in to fill the gap. I shivered and Ross sat on the stump next to me.
‘I don’t know,’ I said again, stuck in a groove as I tried to make things work in my head. ‘Ross, I don’tknow. All this time I’ve been thinking I escaped an abusive relationship and now… now it looks as though I took Tilly from her dad because I wasill? Where does that leave me now? Am I better? Or is all this some weird kind of hallucination?’
He reached over and lightly pinched the back of my hand. I snatched my arm away. ‘Ow!’
‘Did that feel real?’
‘Well yes.’ I stared at him. He looked a little bit more together now but cold without his jacket, which still surrounded the bird on Isobel’s sofa. ‘But you could just be a very convincing illusion.’
‘Nobody’s imagination isthatgood. I’m not an illusion, I’m a bloody freezing architect who is beginning to think that this house is never going to come down. I’m very tempted to lean heavily against a wall and see if I can’t shove the damn thing over.’
We sat in silence for a moment or two longer. Then I stood up.
‘Have you decided what to do?’ Ross stood up too.
‘No, but my daughter is in there and I can’t leave her for too long.’
‘Oh.’ He jiggled from foot to foot. ‘This is all very complicated, isn’t it? I mean, I only wanted to get Isobel out so I can build my house and here I am embroiled in some kind ofKramer vs. Kramersituation.’
‘You aren’t embroiled. You can walk away any time you like.’
There was more silence. Birds cawed somewhere off screen. Eventually Ross said, ‘I can’t, you know.’
The weight with which he delivered the words made my heart prickle and my eyes feel suddenly heavy and hot. ‘Oh,’ was all I could say.
‘You are… I don’t know. I’m no good at this sort of thing. Plus I’m absolutely freezing and the goose pimples have taken over my voice box.’
I laughed. Despite everything, I laughed. ‘Ross, you’re a bloody idiot.’
‘In so many ways, I agree with you.’ He turned and I was suddenly surrounded by him, with his arms behind me. ‘And you are the one woman I can’t save.’
‘I don’t need saving,’ I said slowly, and then with realisation dawning, ‘I can save myself.’
‘Well, good.’ We were face to face now. I could see every eyelash surrounding his big dark eyes and every pinprick of stubble that highlighted his cheekbones. ‘I really don’t think this is the time or place for this, but I’m feeling just a touch reckless right now. Is it all right if I…?’ He angled his head.
I didn’t answer, I just leaned in and our lips gravitated towards each other. It was a kiss that kept the next hail shower at bay as it swept past, melting into rain as it touched our skin.
‘Well,’ I said as we straightened away.
‘Er, yes. Probably shouldn’t have done that, bearing in mind that you’re still in a bit of turmoil.’ Ross left his hands on my shoulders, where they had been cupping my upper arms. ‘Timing was never my strong point.’
‘I have to go in, Ross.’ I took another step back. ‘I have to face them.’
‘Or… or we could run away.’
I stared at him until his mouth twitched. ‘Yes, if I thought you were being serious I would have lamped you with this branch. Tilly is in there, and despite the fact her father and grandmother have a notional sense of responsibility, I need to make sure she’s all right. And hear them out properly.’
