That’s because I prefer fictional boyfriends to real ones
Bess
Your fictional boyfriends never gave you an orgasm…
Molly
How do you know
Bess
TMI!!! Are you going?
Molly
Fine. Send me the deets. You owe me.
Bess
Yay!
An email notification appears a second later. I hesitate, finger hovering over the notification.
“Fuck it. Ice cream isn’t going to be enough for this.” I heave myself off the couch, intent on searching for hard liquor.
My cupboard holds a wide selection of alcohol I inherited in the divorce. Or, more precisely, the alcohol Bess had the movers pack while I wallowed in ice cream and tears. She’d known all the spiteful little things to sneak out of the house that would drive Brad mad.
Like taking the pins out of each of the doors in the rooms so if you shut them they swung back open.
Like I said, she’s the best.
I perused my cacophony of options, wrinkling my nose at the whiskey Brad loved so much.
“I need something that’ll l go with ice cream.”
With Kahlua in hand, I head for my computer. Settling at the desk, I mix a shot into my ice cream, scooping up a large spoonful of the slurpy mess before opening the email.
Hello!
We’re Speedy Singles™, Chars #1 Speed Dating Agency. Our goal is to help everyone find love.
“Oh, fuck me.” I take a shot straight from the bottle.
You’ve signed up to our Speedy Service™. Congratulations for taking this brave step in your love journey!
“Oh, man. They’ve used the word ‘journey.’ This wasn’t going to end well.”
Bringing our unique blend of exceptional applicants, experienced matchmakers, and high-quality venues, our Speedy Service™ option gives you the best start at finding love.
I look down at the ice-cream-stained hoodie I’ve thrown on. “Yeah, I’m totes an exceptional applicant.” I chuckle to myself, scrolling through the email.
On Saturday 15th, you and fifteen other Speedy Singles™ will participate in a series of speed dates designed to match you in real time to your most compatible partner. Not sure if this is for you? Don’t worry, we have a 98% success rate!
“Ninety-eight percent? Jesus. Who are these people? The desperate dateless? Do they feed them Viagra and love potions to achieve that stat?”
Your night includes unlimited drinks, a round of tasty canapes, and all your dates! We guarantee a great night.
“Thank God,” I mutter, swigging from the bottle. “Wine is the only way I’m getting through this.”
