I shook my head, refusing to let her gaslight me.But visions of playing with toys and days at the park were replaced with Dad slamming doors, Dad’s laugh fading to a permanent scowl.“We were happy, and then you two got married, and it all fell apart.”
She pulled one last drag, then put the cigarette out with a little too much vigor.She immediately grabbed another one and lit it.Smoke filled the small area, and she pointed her cigarette at me.“You have it all wrong.”
Silence stretched between us.My pulse thudded in my ears.
“What are you talking about?”
“You want a beer?Or are you too fancy for that now and only drink wine?”
“I’ll take a beer, Mom.”
She nodded and walked into the kitchen.I followed, eyes taking in the clean countertops and the scent of Pine-Sol.She opened the fridge, grabbed a can of beer, and held it out to me.I took it, popping the top and taking a seat at the round table with four chairs.
I wondered if she ever had anyone to have dinner with, or if she was always alone.That same guilt crept up my neck.I rolled my shoulders, trying to force it off me.
Mom sat across from me with a beer of her own.“I blame myself.”
“For what?”
“For your distorted view of marriage.Your father and I are not an example you should base anything on.Marriage didn’t ruin us.Yes, we should never have gotten married.We got married as a last-ditch effort to save our relationship.I knew walking down the aisle it was a mistake, but I ignored that voice in the back of my head and just kept walking.I believed once we were married, things would get better.
“And they didn’t.”
“They weren’t good to begin with, kid.That’s the difference between your dad and I and you and Rose.I have barely spoken to you in four years, but I doubt much has changed.You talked about that girl like she hung the fucking moon.It’s why I haven’t even attempted to reach out, because I knew you were happy, and that’s all I ever wanted.I couldn’t give that to you, but Rose and her family could.To think you are throwing it all away because you think marriage is a death sentence… it breaks my damn heart.”
I stared at her.Condensation pooled around my fingers and dripped onto the table, forming a puddle beneath the can.
“It’s not just you.I work at a vineyard that now specializes in weddings.I’ve watched people stand up in front of family and friends, declare their love, be so damn happy, only for it all to crumble a year or two later.I watched you and Dad scream at each other until all that was left was silence.”I shook my head.“I don’t want that with Rose.”
“Then what’s the alternative, Wy?Because right now, you don’t even have her.”
It was like a punch to the gut.No.Fuck that.It was a goddamn uppercut to the jugular.I couldn’t argue, so I didn’t say anything.
“You think you’re protecting her by keeping things exactly the same?Think that it’s preserving what you have?”
“Yeah.I do, actually.”
Mom reached across the table, resting her hand on mine, eyes sharp and glimmering under the dim kitchen light.“That’s bullshit.You are hurting her.You’re hurting yourself.You’re hurting your unborn child.”Mom let go of my hand and held hers up.“Don’t look at me like that.I might have been a terrible mother, but I know my son, and I know most of your life you were afraid of losing good things because you think nothing good stays.”
“It doesn’t,” I said around the lump in my throat.
“It can, Wy.”Mom exhaled, moving her beer can to the side.“Your father… He wasn’t good, kid.The best thing to happen to us was him leaving, but I was too young and stubborn to see it.Butyouknow it, and that’s why you’re here talking to me and not him.”
She had a point.
“Good can stay.You just got to fight for it even when it scares the hell out of you.”
“What if I mess it up?What if I become Dad?”
Mom took a sip of her beer, leaning in her chair and kicking her foot onto her knee.“That’ll never happen.”
“How do you know that?”
“Like I said… I know you.I’ve seen you with Rose.You love her in a way your father wasn’t capable of.You will be the father you wish your father was, and that will make you the best dad a kid could ask for.But it’s up to you.”
“Rose told me she doesn’t want me to marry her out of pity.”
“I knew I liked her.”Mom lit another cigarette.“Girl knows exactly what she wants and isn’t afraid to tell you.Something else that sets you two apart from me and your father.I could never be honest with that man.I was afraid I’d set him off, and he’d tell me I was an ungrateful bitch, so I bit my tongue… a lot.If I had the self-confidence your Rose has, I could have saved myself a lot of heartache.”
