Kaj blew out a cloud of smoke as they fell silent again. A plane crossed the night sky, its lights blinking steadily against the darkness.
“Are you okay with this?” Noah asked, turning his face to Kaj. “With everyone knowing?”
Kaj took another drag. “Doesn’t matter now, does it? Cat’s out of the bag.”
“It matters to me,” Noah said quietly. “What you think. How you feel about it.”
Kaj stared at Noah for a moment. The shadows played across his face, highlighting the sharp cut of his jawline and the slight furrow between his brows that never seemed to fully disappear these days.
“I’m not ashamed of what we’re doing or anything, if that’s what you’re asking. I’m not used to sharing my personal business, but I’m okay with it. Oddly enough.” Kaj flicked ash from his cigarette and took another drag. “What about you? And don’t give me the ‘I’m fine’ bullshit. I know the shit with the photos and the stalker is affecting you.”
Noah’s fingers drummed against the metal railing as he looked out at the sprawling cityscape, as if searching for something in the mass of buildings ahead.
“It’s complicated.”
“We’ve got all night,” Kaj replied, gesturing to the empty terrace.
A crisp breeze ruffled Noah’s hair all over his forehead. It was so black and shiny and silky, Kaj had to fight the urge to reach out and brush it away from his eyes.
“I don’t mind the guys knowing about us. We’re all together almost every second of every day. It was only a matter of time before they found out.” Noah offered a lopsided grin as he slicked his hair back. “And I usually don’t care what people say about me based on what they get from the media, but those photos being everywhere makes me feel violated, somehow.”
“It is a violation of our privacy. I don’t go around snapping pictures of strangers just because they’re out in the open and upload them on the internet.”
“I hate the double standard people have about this. How some of them think that since we’re public figures, they also own us in a way, so they can use our images and twist our words however they please.” Noah huffed and let his head hang low. “And then, the messages. I know it’s stupid, but I can’t get them out of my head. Though the‘you don’t deserve Kaj’,‘you have no right to touch him’, and‘you should die for touching what’s mine’make sense now.”
Kaj shuddered inside.
He was curious to know what those messages really said but was afraid to even ask. How fucked up could someone be to think his persona belonged to them in any capacity? How fucked up could they be to take that rage out on Noah just because they had a physical relationship? That they were smart enough to hide behind virtual labyrinths only added to the eerie sensation growing in Kaj’s chest.
“I know it’s easier said than done, but ignore every word in those emails. It’s probably just some sad little creep trying to get your attention or mine. Who knows.”
“Yeah… but it’s exhausting.” Noah chuckled bitterly. “To be honest, it’s giving me nightmares.”
Kaj stubbed out his cigarette on the ashtray attached to the railing and left it there. He wanted to say something comforting, something that would erase the haunted look in Noah’s eyes, but platitudes seemed hollow in the face of the current situation.
“You know what’s really messed up?” Kaj said, moving closer to Noah. “I’ve been through this shit before, and I still can’t find any magic words that would make it better for you.”
“I don't need magic words,” Noah replied. “Just being able to talk about it. I missed this…”
Kaj didn’t need to ask what he meant. He knew he was talking about that period of time eight years ago when they’d been tangled around each other. The difference was that Kaj had been a lot more closed off than he was now. He didn’t trust anyone, not even his own shadow, so all he did to stay afloat was swim on that surface level. Anything substantially deep made him feel like he was drowning. Noah had tried to be friends, but Kaj simply couldn’t, fucking and trivial chatting was everything he could offer at that time. Maybe things were changing between them.
“I feel like I’m losing my mind.”
“Understandable,” Kaj said. “It’s an insidious kind of torture.”
“How did you get past it?” Noah asked.
A cloud drifted across the moon, dimming their small corner of the world. In the darkness, Noah shifted closer, their arms brushing together.
“Time helps, and also not being alone.” Kaj had struggled with this, but it turned out to be a blessing being surrounded by people who liked what he liked and actually cared about him as a person and not an asset. “Having people who believe you, who take it seriously without making you feel like you’re some fragile thing about to shatter.”
“Is that what I am? A fragile thing?” Noah’s voice held a note of bitterness.
“No,” Kaj said. “Most people would’ve cracked under half the pressure you’re dealing with.”
As the clouds passed, moonlight spilled over them. Noah turned to face him, their bodies now angled toward each other.
“Thanks.” Noah’s voice was barely above a whisper, a soft exhalation that mingled with the night air.
