“Jesus! You’re fucking drunk.”
“Just—stop.” Jesper grunted, grabbing Kaj’s wrists and struggling with him until he trapped his arms under his legs as he straddled him.
Kaj’s younger version froze at that. The older one screamed, but his voice was swallowed by the abyss separating them.
“Jesper…” Kaj’s head was pounding, his vision blurry. “Stop, please.”
“Don’t be like that. I know you want it, too,” Jesper slurred as he grinded his hips over him. “You being already half-hard just proves my point, little prince.”
Kaj wanted to yell that his dick had a life of its own, always getting hard at the most inappropriate moments. Even now that he was taking antidepressants and anxiolytics, he’d get erections out of nowhere. But Jesper had covered his mouth with a palm. The other had slipped under his underwear and was stroking him roughly.
Jesper’s leering face swam into view, eyes glassy with something Kaj couldn’t decipher. Then he heard the ruffle of clothes. Panic surged through his veins as he realized there was no escape.
What the fuck is wrong with you?
Kaj could feel Jesper’s pubes scraping against his skin. His breath reeked of alcohol, and his skin smelled like sweat and death. And Kaj… he was just an empty receptacle.
In the distance, a song about freedom and justice played through the TV speakers, an ironic soundtrack to this heinous act.
FUCK!
Kaj jolted awake. His skin was damp with sweat and his ribs were threatening to cave in. He wanted to move, but phantomhands held him down. The bitter tang of helplessness filled his mouth, and fragments of the nightmare clung to his retinas like toxic fog, forcing nausea to roil in.
Scrambling out of his bunk, Kaj stumbled down the narrow space in the bunk area, tripping over his own feet on his way to the bathroom. The floor seemed to sway beneath him, though he couldn’t tell if it was from the motion of the vehicle or his own disorientation as his heart pounded unbridled in his chest.
Wave after wave of sickness crashed over him as he retched, body trembling through every convulsion of his stomach. Even after there was nothing left to bring up, he continued to dry heave.
With tears rolling down his cheeks, Kaj flushed the toilet and let himself fall back, slumping against the wall in the tiny room, cramped with just one person in it.
He couldn’t recall having a nightmare so vivid ever before. It was almost as if he was reliving the whole thing, yet he still couldn’t make it stop. The worst, though, was his dick straining in his boxers. He was anything but aroused right now. Yet the erection wouldn’t go away. It was disgusting.
Kaj propped his elbows on his knees and pressed his fingers into his eyes. In his head, there was only noise. His veins felt about to collapse as the urge to numb himself crept in.Fuck!The knives in the kitchenette were useless, but maybe there was something in the cabinet above him he could use to inflict enough pain to ground himself in the present. As a last resort, he could always light up a cig and press it to his skin. Trembling, he clenched his jaw, consciously willing his limbs to fucking move. But his body had seized up.
“Larsen? You alright?” Niels’s sleep-roughened voice made the drummer flinch.
In his haste to reach the toilet, Kaj had forgotten to close all the doors. So here he was now, exposed to whomever took a midnight stroll. Thank fuck everyone used earplugs and even noise-canceling headphones to sleep. Niels was just a weirdo and wanted to be aware of his surroundings at all times. Like a father with his kids.
Kaj cleared his throat, wincing at how raw it felt. “Y-yeah,” he croaked out. “It’s probably something I ate during dinner.”
Niels’s eyes narrowed, as if he was debating whether to trust him or not.
“I haven’t had a drop of alcohol or any other shit.”Fuck you.
“Do you need anything?” the manager asked, ignoring him. Kaj had most likely nailed what Niels was thinking a second ago, but he decided to believe him.
“A minute.” Kaj lowered his face and rubbed his temples with the heel of his palms. His pulse was echoing through his body like a scream in a canyon.
“Crackers might settle your stomach.”
Kaj stiffened as he heard Noah’s voice.Shit.
“It helps my mom when she’s feeling nauseous.”
“I’m fine,” Kaj grumbled.
Thinking about Trine’s cancer and how selfish Kaj had been with her made his stomach twist for a very different reason. He didn’t need the guilt on top of everything else he was feeling. Noah seeing him like this? Even less.
Why the fuck is he awake anyway?
