Trying to focus on something else to fight the tears threatening to spill, Kaj scanned the room. It felt familiar, yet he couldn’t pinpoint where he’d seen it before. The faint aroma of greasy food lingered in the atmosphere from a heap of half-eaten hot dogs and limp fries strewn across the coffee table. An old electric guitar rested on the armchair, looking somewhat soul-broken while the light from the TV cast an eerie glow over the disarray.
Wasn’t he supposed to be on the tour bus? Sleeping?
Kaj then realized he felt fuzzy, warm, and a little lightheaded. It was strange, but he easily recognized this sensation. It was the same when he was drunk and had smoked weed.
Wait. That can’t be.
Laughter resonated beside him, sending the most disgusting, cold chills down Kaj’s spine.
Slowly, he turned his head, feeling a void open in his chest when he saw Jesper cackling. Only a couple of feet away. He wasn’t paying attention to the movie but typing on his phone. It was both comforting and harrowing, but most of all, confusing. Kaj’s mind split in two.
Shit. No, no, no.
A sob bubbled up in Kaj’s throat, and he clamped his lips shut to hold it in, but it was too late. The sound escaped him, making Jesper turn his face toward him.
“Kaj? What’s wrong?”
Kaj nodded jerkily, not trusting his voice. But as Jesper’s hand landed on his shoulder, the dam crumbled and tears flowed.
Fuck, no. I can’t be here. Not again.
“I miss him,” Kaj choked out between sobs.
Shut up!
Kaj was desperate. He knew exactly where this was going. He needed it to stop. Why couldn’t he make himself stop talking? It was his dream.
“I miss him so much I can’t breathe.”
Shit.
Jesper pulled Kaj into a tight embrace and kissed the top of his head. “I know,” he murmured. “I miss him too.”
In that moment, wrapped in his stepbrother’s arms, Kaj felt sick. It was like one of those nightmares where you’re trapped and can’t move. He was experiencing everything through the body of a younger version of himself while his current self was merely an observer. A guest in his own mind.
Without letting go of him, Jesper lay behind Kaj on the couch, allowing him to cry his heart out as he caressed his head. Soon the pain that was making his heart stutter eased, and the mind fog took center stage. Kaj felt so relaxed, his consciousness came and went like a wave.
“You’re okay…” Jesper’s lips moved from his temple down his cheek.
Kaj didn’t think much of it. Since Dad had passed away, Jesper had been around more, making sure an adult was home—Katja didn’t count these days. Besides, he’d always been a hugger.
But then, with the fingers playing in Kaj’s hair, Jesper turned his face and pressed their mouths together.
What—
…
“What are you doing?” Kaj mumbled against his stepbrother’s kiss.
“What does it look like to you?” Jesper retorted with his usual snark, tightening his arm around him.
Kaj tried to free himself, but he wasn’t strong enough. The alcohol daze didn’t help either. “I have a boyfriend, dude.”
Jesper clicked his tongue and rolled their bodies until he was lying atop Kaj. “I’ve seen the way you look at me, baby brother.” He went for his neck.
“Stop it!” With his fists between their bodies, Kaj tried to punch Jesper’s chest in vain. “I don’t like you that way. We’re brothers.”
“Technically, we’re not.”
