“You know how it’s hard for me to get sexually involved with anyone?” Noah asked, sounding closer again. “I’ve tried finding someone who made me feel even a tiny fraction like you did for years. Spoiler alert: I didn’t. No matter how much time passes or how annoying you get, my body cravesyou, even more so when you fight me and make it nearly impossible to like you. So, maybe, yeah, I’m fucked up in a way, but I’m tired of denying myself what I want. We never know when our last day on Earth will be.”
Kaj slowly came back to his senses. He could feel his fingertips, his toes, and the weight of his own body again. “Are you gonna tell me now I’m the only good fuck you’ve ever had?” He scoffed, scratching his head, needing it to make sure he was real.
“No. I have a great eye for picking my partners, and I’m not ashamed to ask for what I want. So sex is always amazing, but I’m usually the top in my relationships.”
“You. The top?”
“And a pretty good one at that.” Noah quirked a mocking eyebrow. “I’m vers, really, just picky with who Ilet in.”
“Right.” Kaj snorted, exhaustion washing over him.
“What I’m trying to tell you is that you didnotrape me, Kaj. I love the way you used to fuck me, and I’ll get on my knees if I have to, so you do it again.”
Kaj was speechless. This revelation offered a glimpse of Noah Kaj knew nothing about, and the burden his words took off his shoulders… His brain short-circuited.
“I—can I think about it?”
“Ehm. Yeah, sure.” Noah’s eyes filled with something Kaj didn’t want to analyze right now.
He grabbed his pack of tobacco from the nightstand and opened the window, leaning his elbows on the sill as he lit up a cig. He didn’t really feel like smoking, but he needed his mind to focus on something other than the whirlwind of thoughts. The breeze was cold for April, but then again, they were in Canada.
“I’ll see you tomorrow,” Noah said, breaking the eerie silence in the room. “I guess.”
A door opened, then closed. The space around Kaj expanded again.
He let out a frustrated grunt, crouching down with his hand peeking outside the window. He pressed his forehead against the wall, gently knocking it over and over.
Despite how much he hated everything that Noah made him feel. Despite how bad it hurt thinking about their past. Despite how badly he wanted to let go of control and have a taste again, doing so could throw all his progress away, and Kaj wasn’t ready to face those consequences.
Nine
Sunlightslippedthroughthewindow, making the room feel cozy and warm as slanted shadows painted over the blanket. Yet Kaj felt that the temperature outside was as cold as the previous day.
Rolling on his side, he curled up into a fetal position, still trying to process the events from last night.
That kiss. That fucking conversation.
Kaj’s body felt heavy, as if it were submerged in some sort of thick, viscous liquid, and his mind was drowsy before Noah came knocking on his door. But that highly emotional exchange had sent him spiraling. He’d tossed and turned for hours, waking up several times throughout the night with the need to drink himself into a coma. The struggle of trying to make sense of the upheaval in his head was real, and now everything around him, even his own skin, felt cotton-made, like he was trapped in the longest dream ever and would open his eyes to the real world any minute now.
But the clock kept ticking and the birds sang outside, and nothing happened.
Kaj scrubbed a palm down his face and rolled onto his stomach, tucking his head under the pillow.
He’d been here, laying on the bed since he woke up for the gazillionth and last time at 1 p.m., hanging onto every word that spurted out of their mouths. It was clear that as much as he despised Noah’s presence, he was attracted to him, but the vocalist was into him, too, and wanted to go back to being what? Fuck buddies?
Of all the scenarios Kaj had imagined could take place during this tour, blurting his feelings to Noah’s face like that definitely wasn’t one of them. It was so bizarre. While they were talking, Kaj felt his consciousness recoiling into a dark corner, but he was still present, tied to Noah’s voice. It was the weirdest dissociative episode ever.
Learning how Noah felt aboutthatnight had eased the burden Kaj carried around everywhere, yet the part of his mind that enjoyed torturing him wasn’t completely on board with it. Because if, after so many years, Noah still wanted him, where did that leave them? Had the time apart been nothing but a waste? Could they have tried to fix what they broke? Or were they both just equally sick in the head and toxic? Was having sex with him a good idea when Kaj was in the middle of recovery? Was he even ready to open that door again?
So many questions and so few answers.
Finally getting up, Kaj zombied to the bathroom. He went through his usual routine—shit, brush his teeth, and stare at his blurry reflection in the mirror. He also took another shower. Water falling over his back seemed to be the only thing that calmed him down lately. Then he went up to the lounge area, not wanting to be alone with his thoughts.
With sleek lines, dark wood accents, polished metal finishes, and plush leather seating, the last floor of the hotel combined contemporary luxury with a touch of old-world French glamour. Opulent yet unpretentious, the atmosphere felt intimate up here, especially in the back of the ten-meter-long space, where the band had a small area reserved only for them.
Unless it was all booked, they always stayed at the same hotel when coming to Toronto. So much so that, even without their assistants making special requests, the management here already knew their quirks, dietary needs, and food allergies.
Walking along the pathway between the bar and the table booths, Kaj noticed a few heads turning his way. It wasn’t that he was wearing anything flashy, more like trashy—a worn-out Chelsea Grin hoodie and black ripped jeans—but his looks, with the piercings, ear gauges, tattoos, and bleached-white hair, drew people’s attention. His height probably had something to do with it, too. But Kaj wasn’t the most striking among the team. That honor lay with Xander and Markus, who could perfectly be part of the cast for one of those Viking TV shows.
