Noah pressed both palms against the wall, framing Kaj’s head as he hadn’t dared to move an inch. The turmoil inside him grew, tearing his soul in two as he plunged into those endless onyx irises. “You bark a lot and are loud as fuck, but I’ve seen the way you look at me.”
“Grimacing, you mean?”
“Mm-hmm… You can keep denying it. I don’t care. We both know I’m right,” Noah husked before nipping Kaj's lips. “You’re a fucking nightmare, butapparentlywhen it comes to you, I am not above begging.”
Snapping out of it, Kaj shoved Noah’s chest, harder this time, and strode toward the window, getting away from the wall, and him, and the fucking temptation that he was. “You can beg all you want; that’s never gonna happen.”
“Really?” Noah raised an eyebrow. “Your tongue was in my mouth as you grinded against me just seconds ago… Why would you do that if you didn’t want to fuck me?”
“Stop it with the condescending tone.” Kaj rolled the towel around his waist a couple of extra times to secure it in place.
“You want it. I want it. What’s the problem?”
“That’s the problem.”
“Whatexactly?”
Kaj saw red. He was a second away from hitting Noah. This was messed up. “You wanting it!”
“What’s wrong with me wanting you?” Noah frowned in clear confusion.
“Jesus fucking Christ! I raped you!” Kaj’s lungs almost gave out. “I fucking raped you the last time, and you still want me to touch you? You want me to put my dick into you? I thought I was the fucked up one.” He scoffed.
A heartbeat passed before Noah reacted, eyes widening and his mouth hanging agape. “What are you talking about?”
“It was so traumatic you forgot about it?”I need to get out of here. Kaj tried to get into the bathroom to lock himself in there until Noah left, but he grabbed his upper arm, stopping him dead in his tracks.Fucking death grip.
“I do remember our last night, but—” He paused. “I… okay. I get why you could think that, but youdidn’trape me.”
The drummer froze. “You told me to stop a thousand times, and I didn’t.”
“Kaj…”
“I hurt you and forced you down on the floor.” The images were still vivid in his memory. How Noah kept pleading for him to stop. The moment he hit his head. The way he cried while Kaj forced himself into him. “Fuck, you didn’t consent to barebacking, you told me to stop, cried, and tried crawling away from me. That’s fucking rape.” He scowled and twisted inside. “Why am I explaining this to you? And why aren’t you wincing or something?”
“Kaj…”
He tried shaking himself free. “This is sick—”
“Shut the fuck up and listen to me!” Noah shouted, squeezing Kaj’s arm tighter as he pushed him against the doorframe, the wood digging between his shoulder blades. “Yes, I told you to stop. And yes, that’stechnicallyrape, but I only wanted you to stop because it was obvious you were struggling with something, and in so much fucking pain, I didn’t want you to hide behind sex like you did every time.” Noah searched his eyes. “I knew we couldn’t continue like that, and the way you looked at me… It felt like a last goodbye. I wasn’t ready to let you go.”
“Y-you have it all twisted.” Shaking his head, Kaj struggled to get the words out. His body felt fuzzy everywhere. “Trauma can do that.”
“I was the sober one, so I remember everything in perfect detail. Not sure you can say the same, so stop it with the trauma thing.” Noah sighed, letting go of him when Kaj said nothing. “I wanted to be more than a temporary bliss, but I got carried away and let you fuck me senseless. I actually had one big fucking orgasm that night, or did you forget that part?”
“That’s just an automatic response to stimulation,” Kaj said like he was reading the words from a book.
He wanted to tear off his skin and escape from here. He’d come three out of the seven times Jesper had raped him—the others he’d zoned out—but he never wanted any of that. He didn’t enjoy a second of it. It was violent and confusing. He was hurt and so scared. All he wanted to do each time it happened was die.
However, even when you don’t consent to something, the body is wired differently. You might hate being tickled, but you’ll laugh if someone forces that on you. Sexual arousal during rape works the same way. It’s an uncomfortable truth people don’t like talking about, but it happens.
“True. But I sought your thrusts, too. I loved having you claim me like an animal, and when you filled me up with your cum…”
Kaj’s heart writhed behind his ribs. His vision became unfocused as he tried to make verbal acknowledgement that he was listening to Noah, even though his voice was muffled. Yet he couldn’t speak. Couldn’t move. He was being pulled back, but unlike other times when he hid behind this illusory fortress, Kaj wasn’t stuck in a loop or mulling anything. It was just radio static.
“Fuck,” Noah cursed, as if realization just hit him. “You’ve been carrying the guilt aboutthatall this time?”
Kaj nodded.Are we really having this conversation?
