"It was. Yeah.” Kaj inhaled sharply. “He made me a sandwich and that fancy chamomile tea with honey I pretend to hate but actually love, and then we just went to bed, and he hugged me until I fell asleep.” A small, genuine smile tugged his lips. “All these years, I was afraid that the moment he found out what had happened, I’d become damaged goods in his eyes, you know?”
“And you didn’t,” Dr. Mortensen observed.
“No.” Kaj shook his head. “If anything, we’re better than ever. Even if we still have this stalking issue to deal with and have to tell our manager and figure out how we go about it, it’s like there’s nothing standing between us anymore.”
“That sounds amazing, Kaj. I’m really glad to hear all this. I’m so proud of you.”
“Thanks, I guess.” He nodded awkwardly, fingers drumming against his thigh as he pondered whether to tell her about the weird dream or not.
“I love everything I’ve heard up till now, but if you’re not struggling with your cravings or any particular nightmares or intrusive thoughts… What is it youreallywanted to discuss?”
“There’s something—Last night I had this dream. I don’t know how to describe it… Weird? Confusing?” He reached for the glass of water on the side table, taking a long sip before continuing. Suddenly, the potted succulent on the bookshelf beside him seemed fascinating.
“What was it about?”
“You know I’m not exactly innocent when it comes to sex. I’ve done plenty, and my imagination can be wild. But last night… I thought it was a nightmare because I couldn’t move and had this knot in my stomach when… I was forced to suck this man in a position that is usually quite triggering for me.” Kaj twisted his mouth, feeling extremely weird talking about this with Dr. Mortensen. He’d never gotten into so much detail with her. “Then, I realized it was Noah. I still struggled, but I enjoyed it, too. And I woke up really horny. Not just your typical morning wood, but actually turned on.”
Dr. Mortensen set her tablet aside completely. “Kaj, consensual-non-consent fantasies are not uncommon.” Her voice was matter-of-fact, neither judgmental nor overly clinical. “Sometimes they’re just a way for the mind to process trauma, to reclaim control by choosing to surrender it in a safe environment.”
“I know the theory.” His voice sounded clipped. “But I’m more on the dominant side. Even with Noah, who’s strong and confident. I just like being in charge.” Kaj sighed.
“Being in charge and in control are two different things. Besides, preferences can change.”
“So drastically?”
Dr. Mortensen smiled. “The human mind isn’t static, and neither are our desires. So yes, they can change, especially when you’re in a relationship where you feel genuinely safe. The acceptance and love you’ve received from Noah when you were at your most vulnerable point might be opening doors you had kept locked all this time.”
“It still feels like my brain is betraying me,” Kaj admitted. “All these years… I know what I want, what I like when it comes to sex, but being restricted and forced… Feeling…” He struggled to find the words.
“Powerless?”
“Yeah.” Kaj nodded, focusing now on the ring on his index finger as he turned it. “That’s not something I’ve ever been into. Didn’t even cross my mind that I’d ever enjoy being in such a vulnerable position.”
“Let me ask you something,” Dr. Mortensen said. “In this dream, when you realized it was Noah, did you feel unsafe?”
“No. It was intense and overwhelming, but not threatening.”
“Do you think he would have continued pushing your limits if you asked him to stop?”
“No.”
“So, the context of this terrifying situation changes completely the moment you see Noah,” Dr. Mortensen stated. “The only reason I can see this happening is because you trust him on a level you’ve never trusted anyone before.” She folded her hands on her lap. “For years, your trauma has been this immovable wall between you and certain aspects of intimacy. Not just physical intimacy, but you haven’t allowed yourself to get close to anyone, not entirely. Until now.”
Kaj considered her words, rolling them around in his mind as he gnawed the inside of his cheek. Maybe it was because they’d known each other since they were kids, before everything went to shit, or because they shared an emotional connection Kaj hadn’t experienced with anyone else, but when they were together, he didn’t think about the possibility of Noah having a hidden agenda or seeking to purposely hurt him. He just went with the flow. They were just them.
Dr. Mortensen reached for her tea mug, taking a thoughtful sip before continuing. “Have you shared these thoughts with Noah?”
Kaj scoffed. “After what I told him last night, I wouldn’t even know where to start. He’ll probably think I’m fucked up, like really fucked up.”
“Has he ever given you a reason to believe he’d judge you?” Dr. Mortensen tilted her head to the side.
“No.”
Dr. Mortensen offered a gentle smile. “I’d love for you to explore this if that’s what you want, but before you take any step in that direction, you need to understand and accept yourself the way you are. You’re not sick nor broken. A dream could be just that—a dream.”
It was true that this was the first time something so graphic and contradicting invaded his unconscious mind, but time and time again, Kaj had found himself wishing Noah would take it further when he let his more dominant side shine. Kaj loved it when he barked orders at him, when his hand was wrapped around his neck, and how he unabashedly thrust into his mouth, using Kaj for his own pleasure. Maybe this was just his own mind telling him he was ready to explore new territories.
“There’s a vast difference between the act of violence you suffered and the consensual exchange of power dynamics you’re describing, a scenario where you’d be the one in control despite the vulnerability you’d be exposed to,” Dr. Mortensen added.
