“What teenager wouldn’t admire someone like him? Someone who treats you as an equal and not as a kid… who calls to check you’re okay after arguing with your parents… who protects you.” Kaj’s vision narrowed, moving further, like he was being dragged backward inside a tunnel. “I should have said something when things started getting weird, though. I didn’t make much of it when he’d pat my shoulder or… when he’d hug me. Dad used to do that, too…” The sensation of his stepbrother’s palm lingering for a bit too long on his lower back flashed in his mind, sending chills down his spine. “F-for me, it was just a normal display of affection. The thing is that Jesper—” Kaj clenched his jaw so hard his teeth nearly cracked. “He also used to come into the bathroom when I was taking a shower… or walk into my room without knocking and catch me jerking off, then laugh it off as if it was nothing.”
Kaj’s nerves flared, and he scratched his leg frantically. But Noah caught his hand, making him and the imaginary itch stop abruptly.
“I… I think the first time Ireallynoticed something was off was when he started making comments about my body.” Kaj bit the inside of his cheek and went on, though his voice cracked and stalled constantly. “He’d say things like—like I was ‘filling out nicely,’ that I had a better ass than most girls he’d hooked up with, that you should be grateful I was dating you... Fuck, he sounded jealous sometimes, which made me feel stupid, and so uncomfortable. But he was my stepbrother, who I thought wasstraightfor a long time. There was no way he’d feel anything like that for me, right? So, I just shrugged it off, thinking I was overthinking… Then Dad died. And everything changed.”
Strangely enough, out of everything he was telling Noah, this was the one that hurt the most. The rape and everything that came afterward was traumatic like nothing else. It’d left him crippled for life. Because of Jesper, Kaj was a puzzle whose pieces didn’t match, but losing Nik had left a hole in his heart. His absence was so heavy that, even after so many years, it was hard to breathe every time he thought of him.
“I was lost, barely functioning. And Jesper stepped in, taking care of everything—the funeral, the paperwork, comforting Katja, me. He even stopped hanging out with his friends during the weekends, paid for my meds when I started going to that shrink for my depression, and was available for us twenty-four-seven.”
The memory unfurled like a poisonous flower, petals spreading wider with each word, infecting his blood all over again.
“It was New Year’s Eve the first time it happened. You, Theo, and Val had already returned home after spending a few days in Copenhagen together.”
Noah’s breathing turned shallow, but as promised, he said nothing.
“We were watching a movie, drinking… He’d opened bottle after bottle of beer. I don’t know why, but out of nowhere, I started crying because I missed Dad. He hugged me, told me all the things I needed to hear, and before I knew it, he was kissing me…” Kaj’s heart beat violently, but he was completely detached from his body, watching himself destroy one of the few good things he had in life as if he were a mere spectator. “I-I tried to stop him, but he crawled on top of me… pinned me down, made me choke on his—”
A strangled sound tore from Noah’s throat as he squeezed Kaj’s hand so hard it hurt. But it was nice. It grounded him in the present. “I’m gonna fucking kill him,” he gritted.
“It happened again during the next two days. I—m-my entire body hurt, and my mind was so… perplexed. At some point, I didn’t even know where I was.”
The rain drummed harder against the windows as the memories washed over him like acid, burning every nerve.
“Oh. And Katja knew.”
“What?” Noah’s voice was hoarse with anger.
“Yeah. She’d gone through my stuff, finding a forum online where I shared my experience, seeking… some sort of comfort? Understanding? Guidance? I don’t know. I just wanted… I just wanted someone to tell me I wasn’t as disgusting as I felt, to tell me I wasn’t alone. But no matter what I wrote or what I told her, she didn’t believe me. Her perfect son wouldn’t do such a thing.” Kaj let out a bitter snort. “She threatened me when I said she should defend me and report him to the police.”
Noah mumbled something through gritted teeth, but it was unintelligible to Kaj, so he just kept going. If he stopped now, he would never be able to open these gates again.
“I tried to avoid him as much as possible after that. Blocked his number, slept outside whenever he came home… But he popped in on a random day to surprise Mommy Dearest.” The mordacity in his own tone sliced through Kaj’s mind. “I was about to leave the house, had a date with you… but well… you know what happened next.”
As his words lingered in the air, silence stretched between them, broken only by Noah’s sharp, ragged breaths and the erratic thrum in Kaj’s ears.
“Fuck…” Noah muttered, and Kaj pulled his hand away sharply, suddenly feeling unworthy of him.
“I’m not done yet. It gets better. Katja was home when he did it, but she was completely passed out from all the drinking. She was fucking sleeping it off while her son and I struggled until he knocked me out temporarily and raped me. I think he even filmed it once?” A stream of silent tears rolled down Kaj’s temples as he trembled with anger, revulsion, and a bunch of other things he couldn’t depict. “When she woke up the next day—because yeah, she slept like the dead—we had a huge fight because even with all the bruises I had and the anal fissures I got, she still wouldn’t believe me. She said that I just wanted to ruin Jesper’s life out of spite for tempting me the last time and hurt myself on purpose.” Kaj swallowed hard. He felt like he was coming apart at the seams, unraveling thread by thread. “After that, after you broke up with me… I had no reason to stay there.”
Noah grabbed Kaj’s hand again and pressed a kiss to his knuckles, hot breath brushing over his skin. Kaj wasn’t looking at him. He couldn’t look at him, but he felt the pain embedded on his lips.
“So, I got a full-time job, rented a room in Fredericia, and applied for emancipation. At the end of 2014, I got legally emancipated, and between the little money I saved and Dad’s inheritance that I got six months later, I had enough to live for a while. Found another crappy job, where I met Mads, studied at night, and carried on with my life the best I could, until I was so overwhelmed… I tried to take my own life.”
“I’m gonna fucking kill him, I swear…” Noah muttered as he scooted closer, flung a leg over Kaj’s lap, and pulled him into a hug, fingers digging into his back. “I’m sorry, babe. I’m so fucking sorry. I’m so sorry I wasn’t there for you when you needed me the most.”
A faint smile spread on Kaj’s lips as tears continued flowing. Those words didn’t change what had happened to him or between them. They didn’t erase the bitterness that had bred in his heart during the last decade, but they soothed his soul like a balm. They took away the resentment, the hatred, and all the ugly things that had kept him alive these years. He didn’t need them anymore. He had Noah back.
“You couldn’t have known,” Kaj rasped, nuzzling the crook of his neck. “I didn’t want anyone to know.”
Noah squeezed him tighter, a hand weaving through Kaj’s hair as lips pressed to his temple.
“So… You’re not disgusted? Horrified? Feeling like running for the hills?”
With his still leg draped over Kaj, Noah pulled away, grabbing his chin and tilting his head up, forcing the eye contact he’d been desperately avoiding the whole time. “Horrified that you went through all that and I was so dense I didn’t see it? Yes. Ashamed too. Disgusted? Fuck, no.” He shook his head. “What he did to you… Everything you survived after that might have partly shaped you into the person you are today, but it doesn’t define who you are, and it certainly doesn’t make you any less. You’re the most incredible man I’ve ever met.”
Kaj felt the imperative need to retort and tell him his taste in men sucked, but before he could utter one single word, Noah captured Kaj’s mouth with his.
The kiss was slow yet brutal, with teeth biting his bottom lip and fingers tugging at his hair. Kaj felt sluggish for a few seconds, unable to tell whether this was just a dream, but then Noah’s tongue found his, brushing against it with desperate, gentle need.
