He let out a weak chuckle. “Thank you for saying that. I should have known better, though. The way you look at each other...” His nostrils flared and his eyes watered. “If I’m being completelyhonest, I had hoped that, maybe, with time, you’d forget about him and start seeing me differently.”
Another crack in Noah’s heart.
He looked down at their hands. Zach’s were strong and manly, yet delicate at the same time. And so talented. “I’m really so fucking sorry.”
He shook his head, still smiling. “It’s alright. It was amazing while it lasted. We will always have the park.” Zach flashed a complicit smirk. He wasn’t referring to this one or today, but to a night they were so horny, they didn’t make it home and ended up jerking each other at Ørstedsparken.
Noah chuckled, relieved but defeated. “Yeah, and every minute we’ve spent together.”
“Call me before you leave the country, yeah?”
“Of course.”
Zach tucked a lock of hair behind Noah’s ear and leaned in, pressing a soft kiss on his lips. They embraced one last time. The familiar scent of him, like a summer breeze, hit his nose, and Noah died a little inside. He didn’t want to let go of him, but this was the right thing to do.
“See you around,” Zach said as he broke the kiss and stood up slowly.
After that, they saw each other several times before he actually moved for college. They weren’t in the same friend group, but they always ended up chatting a bit. And although things had changed and they didn’t have as much time to hang out, even to this day, they were still friends. Because, while Noah could have never loved him the way he deserved, Zach had inspired him in more ways than one, marking a before and after in his life, and for that he would be eternally grateful.
Twenty-three
May rolled in, andwith classes over, anyone would assume, based on his age, that Noah would be having the time of his life. But no. Instead, he was working two jobs.
Living in the UK, Noah’s plan was to survive on his grandma’s inheritance, the bursary he hoped to be awarded, and whatever extra from any part-time role he managed to get once he was settled. One of the downsides of coming from a family that never had much was having to juggle numbers, but he was used to it by now. He would only ask Trine for money if he started having to decide between eating and paying rent.
He wanted to prove to himself that he could be independent and trouble her as little as possible with this stuff. It’d been his decision to move to such an expensive city, which was also why he’d been hopping on a train to stay at his mom’s and wasn’t traveling or partying much either. During the weekdays, he was freelancing as a guitar teacher, and from Thursdays toSaturdays, he worked as a barman, so he already had plenty of alcohol-related outings.
He did have free time, too, of course. He met a lot with the guys. Hung out at the apartment they shared several times a week, sometimes even spent the night on their couch. Val had decided to not continue studying and was working as an apprentice for Trine’s boss in Copenhagen, and Theo was studying visual design and interaction, living his best life courtesy of student government financial aid and the money his dad was already providing.
Did Noah feel some sort of jealousy? He did. Their lives sounded much easier than his, but he was the one to blame for being so keen on studying music abroad.
The last month had been one of change and growth as they stepped over the line that truly separated adolescence and adulthood. A month of introspection and acceptance. A month without Zach. Noah missed him so much some days, he wanted to take back what he had said and beg him to give him a second chance. But that would be selfish, so he just sucked it up and dealt with going cold turkey by himself.
That shit was too fucking real, but he had never thought he would experience something like it. Sexual intimacy didn’t happen for him until he was fifteen. Then there was a two-year period of nothing until he had penetrative sex with Zach at nineteen, and he was perfectly fine with it.
Some would say the difference was that the first time, stopping abruptly had also come with other consequences that affected his libido—low self-esteem and a borderline depression phase. Not this time. He was sad about what he had lost, sure, but he was excited for what was ahead of him, even if he was on his own. Noah didn’t think finding happiness depended on sharing his life with someone else. But damn, the lack of sex... it drove him nuts some days. No one had caught his attention enoughthat he wanted to get to know them. And without that, his dick was simply not interested, no matter how hot some men he’d met were.
It had gotten so bad he had even considered replying to Kaj’s texts.
Unknown
April 22
Hey
Can we meet sometime this week?
To talk about last time
April 25
You seriously gonna be this lame?
April 26
Hey, asshole
He hadn’t known who it was at first, but as he read the messages, something in his brain clicked and he recognized the phone number. One he had deleted years before.
