“Please, don’t leave me. Not now. I need you.” He was bawling his eyes out, too. “I can’t live without you…”
Neither can I.
“Kaj...” Noah had to get out of here. Now. If he stayed here with him for one more second, he wouldn’t be able to do it. He had to, though. To keep what was left of his dignity—if any. “I can’t do this anymore.”
“But you love me. I’m sure there’s something we can do to fix it.”
“I’m sorry, but I can’t keep loving you after what you did. I don’t trust you.”
Noah freed himself and walked away as fast as he could without looking back.
Fourteen
When Noah came homethat afternoon, he was alone.
Utterly and completely alone.
That was when the weight of what had happened hit him the hardest.
He’d shed some tears after the talk in the bathroom with Kaj, but hadn’t truly cried all day. Hadn’t even elaborated when Val and Theo asked what was going on and why they weren’t together during lunch, either. He simply said they’d broken up. And he must have had a scarier evil stare than he thought, because the moment they tried asking anything else and he glared at them, they shut up.
Everything that morning made him feel like a mere spectator to his own life. The classes were nothing but an intelligible chant in the back of his head. The murmurs in the corridors muffled sounds. His friends cackling on their way home was white noise, just like the cars passing by and the soft chatter on the train. But now, in the silence of what was supposed to be a refuge and safespace, with the smell of rain in the atmosphere and his heart writhing in agony, he fell to pieces.
Trying to be strong only made the crash worse. Trying to make sense of what had happened didn’t ease the pain digging a hole in his chest. Trying to find someone to blame only added confusion to his torment. And so, he choked, gasping for air between sobs as his legs gave out, leaving him sitting on the floor of the foyer.
After crying for what felt like hours, with his back pressed to the wall and his coat still on, Noah dragged himself to his bedroom. He dropped his backpack near the desk and undressed. Swamped in the cloud that fogged his mind, he crawled into bed. Then darkness came.
It wasn’t until late in the evening, when the sky was already painted in navy blue, that Trine’s soft voice woke him up.
“Hey, honey,” she said, touching his shoulder over the thin blanket he kept around for the colder nights. “What are you doing in bed already? Are you sick?” She touched her palm to his forehead, then the back of it.
And for a moment, Noah relaxed. It smelled like vanilla with some floral notes—the hand lotion she’d been using forever. It was a comforting scent.
“Yeah, not doing great.” His voice was so husky he barely recognized it.
“You sound awful. Did you take any paracetamol or ibuprofen?”
Noah shook his head.
“I saw you didn’t make anything for dinner either.”
“Sorry about that.”
She had been working so much. Noah had promised to make dinner for himself and leave some extra in the fridge for her on days she’d be late. But today he didn’t have it in him. The only reason he was still breathing was because it was automatic. If itwere up to him, he would have suffocated in the myriad of tears earlier and stopped feeling at all.
Trine chuckled softly. “That’s okay. Just wondering if you may want a bite now?”
“Not hungry.”
“I could make you that cheese sandwich you love so much?” she said, brushing his hair away. The room was dimly lit, with only the hallway light washing over his face, but she most definitely saw his red, puffy eyes. “Have you been puking or... crying?”
“I don’t wanna talk about it.” Noah rolled onto his other side so his back was to her.
“You’ve been so down these past few weeks, and the other day. And now this. I’m worried...”
“We just broke up. Kaj and I.” He clenched his jaw. Kaj’s name burned the tip of his tongue and every nerve in his body. How could hopes and dreams that had never materialized hurt so much?
“What?” Her tone came out strained, and although Noah wasn’t looking at her, he knew her eyebrows were pinched with concern. “Honey, I’m so sorry…” She caressed his hair, slicking it back and tucking it behind his ear, a simple gesture that was reminiscent of better times. “I get it if you don’t wanna talk about it now, but I’m here. Whenever you need me.”
