“Yeah.” He nodded. “So... do you wanna go bowling?”
It was Saturday, and they were supposed to go on a date, but Noah wasn’t sure Kaj wanted to be with him right now. Though it might have been him who was afraid to spend the afternoon together only to end up arguing. That could definitely happen, given his mood.
“Not really.” He sighed, and his body relaxed a little. “Could we go straight to your house instead?”
“Whatever you prefer.” Noah offered a weak smile. He wanted to hold Kaj’s hand and squeeze it to let him know he had his back. But here, in their hometown, they still didn’t feel comfortable doing that in public. “Mom’s already gone to her first body paint workshop, so we have the entire house to ourselves until tomorrow.”
“Thanks.”
“For what?”
“For being here for me.”
“Always.”
That night, after making a mess in the kitchen preparing homemade pizza, they’d fooled around, exhausting each other until their dicks wouldn’t get hard anymore. Noah wasn’t going to complain since it had unlocked something he didn’t know existed inside him, but Kaj had been quite rough—more than ever. It felt like he was trying to fuck away his misery into Noah’s mouth, which turned him on as much as it worried him. But with a brain drunk on his boyfriend, he wasn’t in control of the things he said.
“Fuck. That was... amazing,” Noah breathed out, crawling onto the bed as the closing credits ofThe Return of The Kingextended version scrolled on his computer screen. His knees hurt from being down on the floor, but it was a nice sensation, alluring even. He was so damn weird.
“Yeah?” Kaj panted as he plopped down beside him, a satisfied grin painted on his face.
“Mm-hmm. Actually, I was thinking... what do you think about us trying, you know, to have sex, likerealsex?”
“Like fucking each other in the ass?”
Noah laughed at his bluntness. “That’s what I mean.”
“You’re ready for that?” Kaj’s dark blond eyebrows furrowed.
“We’ve been together for nine months. I think I am, yeah.” Not wanting to sound too slutty too soon, Noah had never said it out loud, but judging by the way his hole clenched every time he had an orgasm, he wanted it. At least his body did. Besides, he’d read that it was pleasurable like nothing else, and that made him curious. “You... don’t want to?”
Kaj bit his bottom lip, dragging his sweaty self closer and resting a hand on Noah’s hip. “I’ve been thinking about it. Doing it to you, I mean. I’m not sure if it’s something I’m interested in?”
“You’re not?”
“It doesn’t appeal to me to have something up my ass, honestly.” He snorted. “Though I guess we could try it sometime just to see how it feels.”
“I’d love that, yes.” Noah grinned, pressing a soft kiss to his lips. “I want you to be all my firsts.”
“Me too.”
“But I won’t be.” Noah lowered his gaze to Kaj’s chest and fidgeted with the silver necklace he’d gotten for his last birthday.
“Yes, you are.” Kaj rolled them over and laid on top of Noah, then between kisses, he said, “I may have been with two girls before, but you’re the first guy I’ve loved. You’re the first guy I jerked off that wasn’t myself. The first one I sucked. The first I will fuck, and the first I will let fuck me. You’re all my most significant firsts, Noah. But most importantly, from now on, you’ll be the only one.”
Noah’s smile was so big it hurt.
That night, they fell asleep naked in each other’s arms. It wasn’t until the sun was high in the sky that Noah squinted at the light bathing his bedroom with no mercy. Too bright for his liking.
He brushed a golden lock away from his boyfriend’s forehead. It had grown a lot during the past few months, to the pointit actually showed waves on the top, where he always wore it longer. A smile flickered on his lips, but then he saw the frown between Kaj’s eyebrows. Even in his sleep, he was suffering.
The more he looked at Kaj, the more helplessness infected Noah’s brain. He seemed so restless, constantly in pain, when he was awake. Noah wished there was something he could do for him.
With his heart aching under the sunlight slipping through the window, he wrapped himself around Kaj, resting his head on his chest. The slow and steady pattern of his breathing was soothing. Noah wanted to be here alone with him forever, protect him from all harm and bask in the warmth of his skin until they had no heartbeats left in them.
The following weeks got slightly better, at least as far as Kaj’s temper was concerned.
Although he didn’t return to the swim team and they stopped rehearsing altogether, he didn’t push his friends away like he’d been doing before. He actually gathered the courage to sit and talk to them about everything he was feeling. The confusion. The fear. The emptiness. How he couldn’t play because it reminded him of his dad too much, and it hurt. But he also didn’t shut the door completely, and honestly, if a pause was what he needed, they were all there to support him. They were not blood-related, but they were family.
