“No. But you’re right. It’s starting to feel like it’s not enough.”
“What else do you need from me?”
“Do you really wanna know or is this some sort of twisted game to use whatever I answer against me later?”
Kaj chuckled darkly. “I’m an asshole, I get that. But Idowanna know.”
Noah sucked in a deep breath. “I don’t know what I want. Just... not only this. Maybe... I don’t know. For us to talk like normal people, even if it’s about the stupidest, most trivial things.”
“Like right now, you mean?”
“For example.”
“So, you want a friendship.”
Noah shrugged. “I guess so. I... kinda miss that part of our relationship.”
Well, it’s all out there. Brace yourself for the fall now.
“Look,” Kaj sighed, leaning forward again. “A lot happened before and after I emancipated. I’m not the same person I used to be.”
Not what I was expecting.“Me neither.”
Kaj shook his head, and for the first time, he broke eye contact. He inhaled, then exhaled as his fingers mindlessly brushed Noah’s knee through the tear on his jeans. He looked so... defenseless right now. Beautiful and broken.
“It’s different.”
“How?”
“Let’s just say you saw only half of the mess my life was after my dad died.”
“You mean Katja drinking wine like it was water?”
Kaj flinched, shuddered, and stiffened, all in a fraction of a second as his nostrils flared, hand frozen on Noah’s leg. “Among other things.”
Noah frowned. What could be so terrible that it disturbed this brash human being to the point he couldn’t even speak?Did Katja deliver on her promise of making him sleep outside? Did she beat him?Noah never saw any marks on Kaj’s body, but there were ways to avoid the bruises.
A cold shiver raced up Noah’s spine and his stomach flipped upside down, the most gruesome images flickering in his mind.
He needed to know what had happened, not for the sake of learning the morbid details, but to reassure Kaj and be there for him like he apparently had never been. He was itching to touch him, but judging by the tension in his body, if Noah pressed the issue, he would snap. This was the first time Kaj hadn’t immediately shut down and was consciously letting him peek into his soul. So, afraid to shatter the fragility of the moment, he bit his tongue and didn’t even move.
Then, as if something clicked in his head and he realized he was caressing Noah, Kaj moved his hands away, shoving both in his pockets and putting some distance between them.
“Anyway”—he cleared his throat—“what I was trying to say, is that if you got to know the person I am now, you wouldn’t want me in your life. I’m too messed up. You’re just spellbound by the way I fuck you.”
“Because that’s the only reason I keep you around, yeah...” Noah said as they got up and walked toward the train vestibule when they entered Taastrup station. “Whether you’re too much or not for me, that’s up to me to decide.”
“You think you’re in charge, don’t you?” Kaj crossed his arms and leaned against the wall, a smug grin on his face. “The only thingthat’s up to you to decideis your limits when I pin you down.”
The shift in attitude implied his vulnerability was a shroud of shame hehad tohide. It was disheartening. The saddest thing was that Noah was content with just getting this sliver of the man Kaj really was under the complicated facade he’d created to deceive the world. So, instead of pushing it, he played along.
“I have control over more than that.”
”It’s cute that you think so.”
“Considering you came all the way to Copenhagen tonight just to watchmework, I’m pretty sure I have some sort of power over you.”
“You wish,” Kaj said as they exited the train.
