I swear that he hears me, it’s a small, pitiful sound that makes my chest cave into itself, overwhelmed with feelings I’ve never known existed. “I’ll stay with you always. I swear.”
Chapter Forty Five
Veronica
I stop there, the pen hovering above the notebook paper, my heart thuds wildly against my ribs. Writing makes it feel real in a way that nothing else has. Before I know it, a small wet circle decorates the paper.He’s a father.A father…. and not—I can’t bring myself to finish the thought. Even though I’m crying, it doesn’t hurt the way I thought it would. Not exactly… it just settles. Maybe it’s acceptance. This is his future, and I’m still trying to figure mine out. It’s not like I didn’t expect him to step up and be a dad. My mistake was thinking I had more time. I wasn’t ready for it to happen so soon. As much as it pains me to admit, I don’t think I’m ready, which is another reason why I haven’t reached out or told him that I'm back in town. Permanently this time.
It feels wrong not to tell him. Even though everyone around him knows. It wasn’t like I asked them to keep this secret. It kinda just happened. While I don’t want secrecy to be the foundation of this new version of myself, it’s selfish of me to pull him into my orbit when he needs to be focused on something more important. I wasn’t against him finding out. If he finds out, well, he finds out. And if he doesn’t, that’s okay too. I’m not hiding. I’m just not ready to be seen—not by him at least. Not just yet.
Looking down at the journal, I decide that’s it for today… that’s all I need to say before I shift my focus to unpacking the boxes in my new apartment. Isaac isn’t the only one focusing on his future. I have a new place. A new job. And dare I say, a new positive outlook. I didn’t think I would have, but watching him gracefully accept his role made me look deep within myself.
Made me accept this new version of me, one that’s finally beginning to live. My job is within walking distance of my apartment, nothing glamorous, but it has good hours and benefits. Just what I needed. It all feels like a breath of fresh air on a nice summer day. The more time that passes by, the less it feels like survival and the more it feels like independence. I also started therapy, this time of my own volition. Without feeling the constant pull of someone else's expectations shaping what I say. As expected, some days are better than others.
On the hard nights, when I can’t find sleep, I check my phone and check up on Isaac with social media. I don’t like that I do this, it feels like I’m stalking.Hmm… maybe I am, but I no longer punishing myself for wanting to. It brings me joy. And as Dr. Martin Seligman says, ‘You gotta enjoy the little things.’ Plus, he’s notreally active on it either, but the small updates help bring a smile to my lips. It’s like I'm part of something personal, something his. And I love it.
It’s become my own little routine, something that I slowly look forward to. Even if it is just a little NICU update. A small sunrise through a small hospital window. A new milestone. A coffee cup on his Camaro dashboard. But my favorite is the picture of the small hand wrapped around his large calloused finger. There’s no caption, just a grainy picture that says everything without a word.
As always, I make sure not to like the picture. I don’t share it. What I do is stare at it longer than I should. letting the image burn itself into my brain before I set the phone back down beside me. Then taking in a deep breath and visualizing myself lying in a field of baby breaths as butterflies flutter around me. The sight brings me peace. Ifeelat peace. In the wise words of my therapist, with healing, we just don’t pretend love never existed. We let it change, let it shape itself without tearing yourself apart trying to control it.
My phone buzzes beside me. Using my hand, I fish it from its spot. Glancing at Alexa’s name on the screen, I slide my finger on the screen to open the message.
Lex:
Are you settled enough to be social?
A smirk pulls at my lips, contemplating whether I should find an excuse or live a little. I go with living, but before I can respond, another message pops up.
Lex:
It doesn’t matter. I refuse to let you become a hermit again.
Lex:
We are going out tonight. Don’t argue. Wear something hot.
I huff out a laugh, despite myself, and using my elbows, I lift myself. Staring at the messages, accepting defeat. I’ll be going out tonight. It’s going to be fun.If I could do it back in San Juan, I can do it here. I owe myself that much. And her. Alexa has been my constant since I got back, fuck even before. But now, she’s become my lifeline, always checking in, dragging me out for coffee, sitting with me during the days I feel like I’m slipping back into darkness. There are no questions, no judgments… only a shoulder to lean on when times get rough. I type back.
Me:
I just finished unpacking the last of it. I’m exhausted.
The reply comes instantly.
Lex:
Exactly why you need to get out. Dinner. Drinks. Normal people shit. It’ll be good for you.
Normal…
The word settles strangely inside my chest, and before I give myself a chance to overthink it. Another message pops up.
Lex:
Sledge picked the place, he said it was lowkey and has good food.
My fingers still, contemplating what to respond. After a few seconds, I respond.
Me:
