Anchoring myself to him as he rolls his hips, making me feel every inch of him deep inside me. Iz pulls away, but not before nipping my lips, his forehead falling into my shoulder. I feel the tears, small droplets falling on my heated skin as he thrusts harder, deeper and deeper. My walls clench around him, causing him to groan. He fucks me through the orgasm that ripples through me. Every cell in my body sparks to life before fading into my reality.
We don’t talk. We only breathe, so it doesn't feel like dying.
I let myself fall into the familiar feeling that gathers once again at my core, rocking my hips harder. Chasing the high that only Isaac can give. Hating that this ecstasy feels too much like a goodbye. His hand slides up my spine, before kissing my collarbone, my jaw, the corner of my mouth and falling back, lettinghis mouth travel down my sternum before he closes it around my nipple, which he nips and flicks with his tongue. “Isaac,” I breathe out, the feeling is too much.
“I know, baby, let go for me.” And I do. The orgasm slams into me in small waves that he fucks me through. “I love you,” he whispers into my skin. “Fuck… I love you so fucking much.” He thrusts again and again before he pins me down to him. “Look at me when you come, Ronnie.”
When my gaze finds his, I combust from the pressure, the heat, and the stretch. It all hits at once, sending a shiver down my spine. I quiver against him, while he continues to fuck me through my orgasm.
“That’s it, baby, use me.” He moans. “Use my dick to make yourself come.” I do. I use him until I’m coming all over his cock, my head falling backwards just as another wave begins to climb. “Fuck, Iz.” My words make him moan, lifting me up higher and slamming me deeper into him. Each of his movements dragged out so he can feel me take him deeper and deeper. Once again, my orgasm begins to climb at the base of my spine, my nails dig into his shoulder, and my own body bounces over him with his help. My gaze finds him, and in that moment, I fall over the edge. I give in to the pleasure that washes over me, making me dizzy from it.
“Fuck, ma…” he mutters, biting softly into my flesh, pumping slowly, savouring how my pussy flutters for him. And when it’s over, we remain holding one another, our grief soaking into each other.
“Iz,” my voice barely a whisper, he hums in return before pulling away just enough so I can look into his eyes. “I love you.”
His entire body shudders at my words. There’s a pause between us, like a collapse of everything around us. His hold tightens around me, his face falling into my breast. I can hear the sniffles, feel the shake of his body, but I continue anyway, “I need to learn to live again. And you… you need to be a father.”
He doesn’t say a word, and I don’t need him to. I know exactly how he feels because I feel the same. I’m not mad. I’m not angry. Not even hurt. I just wantto live, and this time I choose myself, even if something inside me dies quietly without him.
Isaac
My head hurts from all the crying, my arms still carry the weight of her as if she were still here in my arms and not in there, where I can’t reachher. I sit in my Camaro watching the rain, waiting for her to run out and tell me this is all a nightmare, but I saw in her eyes the determination to live. To heal.
And I love her too much to hold her back from it, which is why I left the moment she fell asleep in my arms. Even if my heart shattered into tiny pieces with each step. I’ll accept her choice, even if it kills me. I’d rather drown in my pain, let it blur the world, before letting her hurt more than she already has. Even though I know she needs this, I can’t help but want to go in there and fall onto my knees to beg for her to choose me.
To stay with me.
To love me.
However, that would be cruel, and selfish is the only thing I can't be when it comes to her. Not anymore. Not at the expense of her. The storm rages harder, wind slamming into the side of the Camaro, shaking it slightly from the force. It’s like the saying goes,‘if you love something you gotta set it free,’ and accepting her choice is me doing just that. Even if it kills me. I know for certain that if I stay, I’ll keep hurting her even if I don’t mean to.
If I leave, she might actually heal. In the end, that’s all I want for her. For her to blossom, even if I’m not the one watering her. I thought I knew what love was because I felt it for her. For years, I waited, wanting and hoping. But nothing touches the truth of it. For the first time since the basement, I finally understand what love demands of me. It’s not possession, not proximity, not promises, but sacrifice. I let my forehead fall onto my steering wheel, whispering softly into the storm that soothes me.
“I’ll let you go, baby… even if it kills me.” Rain thunders louder on the hood, and the sky continues to grieve alongside me. “I hope you find yourself. Fly high, my little butterfly.” My voice is tightening until it breaks from the pain breaking through. “Even if I’m not there to see it.”
Chapter Forty
Isaac
One week later…
My forehead rests against the cool surface, my fingers linger instead of turning. It takes a minute to move. To turn the key and open the door. The apartment is dark when I walk in, too dark for the time of day. It’s not even late, and I don’t even bother turning on the lights as I trudge towards the bed, letting the shadows take me wherever they want. They’ve taken everything else.What else can I lose?I don’t spend much time dwelling on it, before I can sulk in misery. My phone vibrates in my pocket for the third time in minutes.
Text after text. Call after fucking call. All of which I ignore and continue my plans for the rest of my day.
Sulking.
Marinating in what I call a season of pain and longing. I know I’m doing the right thing, but I’m dying over here. I waited so long… For so long, I wished to be in a timeline where I could love her. Mmm, maybe that anime was right,‘love is the greatest curse of them all.’Exhaling harshly through my nose, I plop myself down on the edge of the mattress, my elbows resting on my knees as I stare at nothing. The lights are on even though no one’s home. Maybe I should go see a therapist like Agent Blake suggested. What the fuck am I gonna say that’s not out in the news or tucked so far into my brain? Why does doing the right thing feel so shitty? Taking responsibility for the kid, in books, that's the right thing to do. Even though it cost me what I love the most. Letting her go so she can find herself again is also the right thing. I know in my heart that it is. It just fucking hurts. Itallfuckinghurts. My eyes remain fixed on the ground, and I allow my mind to empty. To think of nothing. I tuck away my emotions till I don’t feel anything at all.Just exist.
If you can even call it that.
There’s a sharp knock that rattles my door and startles me. I don’t move. It’s not like it’s her. I can tell by the power behind the knock. Plus, she’s done everything to avoid me, even going as far as staying with Alexa and only visiting Nixie and my stepmother when she knows I’m too busy to come around. I wouldn’t, though. The one thing I refuse to do is impose myself when she asks me to let her go. To set her free, and I’ll happily condemn myself to damnation if it gives her the space for her to heal. Another knock interrupts my afternoon brooding session. I still don’t fucking move. Whoever it is can go to hell, same as the rest of the world, because I’m not answering.
“OPEN THE FUCK UP!” Sledge shouts. Of course, it had to be him. Who else would care enough to come and check on me?Knock…. knock… knock.“I know you’re in there, man. I saw the Camaro pull up, asshole.”
I sigh through my nose before dragging myself up and walking over to open the door. When I open it, he looks over at me once and shakes his head like he’s expecting the worst… and I guess this might not be quite the worst, but it’s also not the best. I know that I look just like I feel. Complete and utter shit, of course. But that's all I have. All I can give.
“Jesus Christ, man.” He brushes past me into my apartment,while I stand like a dickhead, still holding the door open. “You look like you died and your ghost didn’t get the fucking memo.”
