I let out a breathy scoff as I shut the door, turning my attention to my best friend. “Not in the fucking mood, asshole.”
“Yeah?” he scoffs. “Take a number and fall in line.Neitheram I. Why did I have to hear it from Alexa that you’re moping around like a lost puppy who lost its owner? That you might need me, and you won’t even talk to me.”
My jaw ticks. How the fuck would she know? Anger quickly surfaces, only to be mellowed out by the fact that she knows well enough to know that I wouldn’t be okay right now. Still, I can’t help the annoyance that rolls through me. “Alexa should stay out of it. But I guess that has never been herforte.”
He sneers, his lips curling into something protective. An emotion I know too well. A silent command to steer carefully, one that fades quickly into concern. “And you need to stop pretending you’re okay. You’redyinghere.” He lets out a sigh as he drags his inked hand down his face. “Wanna know what kills me?” I don’t. Not right now, at least, and he doesn’t get the memo, so he continues anyway. “There are people willing to throw you a life jacket so you don’t drown.” He lets out a breath. “And yet, you refuse it. Why?”
My best friend stands there, his arms crossed over his leather jacket, blonde waves perfectly placed in a low ponytail as he scans me and then the apartment. It’s messy here, piles of takeout I can’t finish adorn the counters, dishes in the sink, and clothes scattered all over the fucking place. It smells like gym, weed, and garbage, yet there’s not an ounce of disgust in his features, only sadness and concern.Is this what depression looks like?For a moment, we don’t say anything, but his eyes burn into me like he’s trying to find the part I buried. The part that still hurts the most. The part of me that I lost in that basement, and have been desperately trying to find. I don’t say afuckingthing, but that doesn’t stop him from talking. Forcing me to listen to the severity of my situation. “I heard that woman is pregnant.”
A bitter laugh escapes my lips as I walk over to the tray full of stubbed-out joints and pluck one from it. “You heard correctly, looks like I’ll be a daddy after all.”
I bring the roach to my lips and light it up, trying not to focus on the horror written in his icy stare. “I’m sorry, man.”
I laugh harder now, a cloud of smoke bursting from my lips as I choke. Waving off a hand, when he inches closer, telling him tostop. “Don’t be. I mean, hey, you’re gonna be an uncle.” He flinches, and my chest cracks, but I don’t letit show. Maybe I do, but I pretend that I don't. Sledge takes a step closer. “Iz, brother… talk to me...”
I shake my head once, stopping him again. I can’t cross that bridge right now. “There’s nothing to say.”
“Bullshit!”
My eyes shift to the floor, my lungs filling with the herby smoke. Wishing it would just numb it all, wishing I could get so fucking high I could lose myself in the feel of it. “What do you want me to say, Sledge? Everything is so fucked. Whatever future I thought I had…gone. Whatever family I thought I could have with Ronnie…gone.” I throw my hands in the air before punching my chest. “Gone before I even knew how to hold it.”
Silence spreads between us. Sledge doesn’t jump in, and he waits for me to continue. Waits for the words to leave me and rot in the air until I have no choice but to see them for what they are. My truth. My fucking reality.
“I’m having a baby with a woman whorapedme,” I sigh, pinching the joint between my fingers while picturing Harry’s face, then squishing it between the pads of my index finger and thumb. “I don’t know how to do this…” I rasp. “I don’t know how to be whole enough for anyone. For her. For a kid I didn’t ask for, or even sure that I fucking want.” Letting out an exhale. “I don’t know how to not fuck up everything I do.”
Sledge’s expression softens. This time, he closes the distance. “Iz… you don’t have to.”
I lift my gaze to his, feeling the burn of the tears gathering. “But I do. It’s the right thing. I just don’t know how to not fuck it up.”
He sighs, realizing there’s no talking me out of the decision I’ve already made. I’ll be keeping the baby, raising it in my home. I just don’t know how to fucking do it. After a beat of silence, he opens his mouth to say, “No one knows. Not at first.”
It’s hard not to roll my eyes at his statement, because what the fuck does he know? What the fuck does anyone know? “She’s leaving.”
And by the look on his face, I gather he knows.
“I saw the letter, and I know in my heart that she’s leaving.”
“I know.”
“Figured you did,” I mutter before plopping onto the mattress. I sigh. Not sure when I decided to pour my heart out to my best friend. The bandage just ripped open, and the words just keep coming out of my mouth with an ease that’s terrifying. “I should chase her. Fight for her. Beg if I have to. You know I want to.Fuckkkkdo I want to.” My voice drops, and so does the small piece of the joint that remains. “But all I keep thinking is… maybe letting her go is the only way I can love her right.”
For the first time since he walked in, Sledge looks shaken, lowering himself onto the mattress beside me. “I wish I knew the right words to say right now, but I’m not good with them,” he says quietly. “What you’re doing is honorable, brother. You’re doing the right thing even though it’s the one that hurts the most.”
There’s a beat of silence before he clears his throat. “Alexa told me not to say anything, but we are a thing. I don’t know exactly what we are. I just don’t want to hide it from you.”
I blink at him, wondering what took him so long. Alexa and I only became a thing because it was easy. A routine of sorts. Sledge was always busy with women and making money. Ronnie was doing her own thing. Blondie and I just kinda happened. She liked me, and I couldn’t have what I wanted, so I gave in. I hated being alone. “Took you long enough.”
My best friend shrugs, trying and failing badly to play cool. “What can I say, I got tired of watching her not be fucked over or loved properly.” I don’t miss the sarcasm in tone. He lifts his gaze to meet mine and mutters softly, “I love her, always have, man. And watching her with you only cemented that. Even though having a woman like her intimidates me. It scares the shit out of me. Loving someone who can just leave at any moment? It’s a fucking blood sport.” His mouth opens again, cheeks begin to turn red. “Fuck, Iz.”
I shake my head, nudging his shoulder playfully. It wasn’t his fault that my heart decided to imprint on someone it had no business loving. It’s not his fault that my love wants to give her wings so she can fly without me. “Don’t apologize dickface. You’re not wrong, love is fucking scary.” Letting out a huff of air, I say, “I will choose to love her anyway.”
He nods slowly in agreement. “What’s the game plan now?”
My throat tightens, my mouth opens to speak, but nothing comes out. Panic surges through me, blood rushing to my ears. “Nothing. No plan, just peace. Finding it.”
That word,peace. It’s stuck with me. It rings in my head like an unwanted mantra. Yet I cling to that, hoping that my pain finds her peace, and in return, helps me find mine. I didn’t want to be her pain. On the contrary, I want to be her peace.
Even if it means the opposite for me.
