The big leap.
He has this all planned out. A year together in Korea, traveling when we can. Getting to know each other better, and then “the big leap.”
He wants to marry me. I haven't said yes to that either.
“What if I’m not ready?”
“That’s the point, Jess. To get to know each other better, to be ready when the time comes.”
“What if I don’t want this?”
His eyes widen and then narrow. “What’s going on, Jess? Why are you getting cold feet all of a sudden?”
“All of a sudden?” My voice raises. “I haven’t once said I wanted to move to Korea, to spend the year there with you, or any of it.”
“Of course you have,” Michael sounds like he’s talking to a child. “We’ve been talking about it for months.”
“No, you’ve been talking about it for months.” My defiance shocks me. At the same time, I don’t understand how he can’t know this is how I feel. I’ve been silently going along with all of it, but I’ve never once responded with anything close to enthusiasm.
His voice lowers to a gentle note. “What’s wrong, babe? This isn’t like you.”
But it is like me, I know it is. It’s like I was before. Before I crawled inside my own head, and stopped feeling. Before I stopped standing up for myself.
“Did something happen when you went home last weekend?”
“I told you. Tyler was in a car accident.” I avoid his eyes. There’s more, a lot more that happened when I was home. I can’t tell him whose car Tyler wrecked, or that I saw Jacob. I can’t tell him I did more than that—that I kissed Jacob.
He sighs as if he’s found his answer. “That must have really shaken you up—coming close to losing another brother.” He pulls me into his arms. “I”m sorry. I’ve been insensitive. I was just excited to show you the apartment. How is Tyler?”
“He’s okay. But in a lot of trouble. He wrecked the car street racing.”
“Really?” Michael shakes his head in disbelief. “I guess acting out is a common grief thing for a teenager. Did he wreck your mom’s car or your dad’s truck?”
“Neither,” I pause. Any more questions will bring us dangerously close to the truth I’m not ready to face.
Michael must sense my hesitation. “Whose car was it?”
“Jacob’s.”
Michael whistles. “Wow. I can’t believe Ricks would do something so stupid. I mean, I know that he’s reckless, but letting a sixteen-year-old kid street race?”
“It wasn’t his fault.” He’s saying the exact thing that I said to Jacob, the same accusations, but I feel like I need to defend Jacob. “Tyler told him he was taking it on a date.”
“And Jacob believed him?” Michael lets out an exasperated breath. “I’m not sure I buy that, Jess. He had to know–”
“Can we talk about something else?”
“Right, sorry.” Michael studies me for a second, but instead of changing the subject, he asks, “Did you see Jacobwhile you were there?”
“Yes. They called him to the accident scene, and then he came by the house.” I’ve become an expert at keeping my emotions in check, but I can’t keep my voice steady.
“And?” Michael probes.
“And he talked to Tyler. He was really nice about the whole thing. He told him it was okay, that they would work things out. He’s really been good for Tyler.”
“Yeah, good enough to almost get him killed.”
My voices raises without my permission. “I told you it wasn’t Jacob’s fault. Didn’t you just say acting out like that was a grief thing? Tyler did something dumb. Why does it have to be anyone’s fault but his own?”
