fifty
Pillow Talk
April 2005
“Who is Jacob?”
I’m standing at the counter, reaching for the toothpaste. My roommate's question stops me.
“What?” I ask, toothbrush still in hand. How could she possibly know anything about Jacob? I’ve lived with Angelica for less than a month. We share a room and a couple of hospital rotations, but we haven’t really talked beyond the ‘where are you from, what are you studying?’ conversation. I’m racking my brain, my heart racing. Who could she have talked to?
“Jacob. Who is Jacob?”
The one thing that came up in our conversation was her major, psychiatry. Every question she asks feels like she’s trying to get inside my head, to analyze me. I don’t need to be analyzed. I already knowI’m crazy. She’s still waiting for an answer, so I continue my quest for the toothpaste and say, “An old friend. Kind of an old boyfriend.”
I put toothpaste on my toothbrush and stick it in my mouth, so she doesn't expect me to answer any more questions. I'm trying to look nonchalant, but I know my face is red. My heart pounds out of my chest, even over the sound of the running water.
“Interesting.” She’s watching me like she’s deconstructing everything, even the way I brush my teeth.
I shouldn’t feed her curiosity, but I can’t help it. I’m curious too. More than that, I want to know where she's getting her information. I spit toothpaste into the sink and then rinse. “What’s interesting?”
“Did anyone ever tell you that you talk in your sleep?” Angelica says.
“No.” I rinse again and put the cap on the toothpaste.
“If I were one of my psych professors. I’d say there are some unresolved issues associated with whoever this Jacob is.”
“There aren’t,” I lie. “The guy I’m dating is Michael. You’ll get to meet him this weekend.”
I walk out of the bathroom without saying anything else. I knew I should have paid extra for a private bedroom.
“Hey babe,” Michael wraps me in his arms and kisses me in front of Angelica. I try not to pull away. I’m not sure when it got so hard to kiss him back, when it all started feeling so forced. Maybe it’s always been that way, and I was so numb that I didn’t recognize it.
Michael is back and forth more frequently now. He leaves for his hardship tour in Korea in less than a month. I try not to think aboutthe amount of money he’s blown on plane tickets to see me. Now that I’m not in Pullman anymore, he doesn’t even get to see his family when he comes.
“I have something I want to show you.” He sits on the couch and pulls me onto his lap. He flips through some pictures on his phone, then stops on a picture of an apartment building. It looks far away and foreign. “What do you think?”
“What do I think about what?”
“These apartments are just outside my base. They’re nice. One bedroom, a fairly good-sized living room. Close to everything. I put a deposit down.”
I hand the phone back to him, annoyed. “We talked about this. I just started my clinicals. I can’t leave in the middle of the semester.”
“I don’t mind paying a couple of months' rent until you’re ready to join me.”
I haven’t ever said yes to Michael’s idea of joining him in Korea. I haven’t said no either. He keeps saying it would be good for me to get away and spend some time in a foreign country, to see something new.That it will help me forget.
“I don’t want you wasting your money.” I slide off his lap and onto the couch beside him.
He reaches for my hand. “I don’t consider it a waste of money. More like an investment in our future.”
I pull away. “Why is it so important that I go with you?” It’s the closest I’ve come to saying no to him.
“We’ve talked about this.” Michael’s tone is measured patience with an edge of irritation, the tone he uses a lot when we he talks to me. “I don’t want to spend the next year of my life without you. Korea isn’t a jump across the country. I can’t just fly in to see you like I have been.”
“Most people wouldn’t be able to fly in to see me like you have been here,” I point out to him.
“I know that.” He looks at me earnestly. “I just want time with you. Real time. I'm tired of the long-distance thing. We need time to build this before we make the big leap.”
