She’s struggling to bring her face back to a mask of no emotion. I feel the barrier going up again. I’m desperate to stop it. “Jess, please give me the chanceto—”
“I can’t, Jacob, I’m sorry...I just...I can’t be with you.” Her voice is wavering, as if she’s holding back tears.
“Am I really that hard to be with?”
“Yes.”
“Why?” I swallow hard. “Because of Matthew? Because you still blame me for what happened to him?”
“I don’t...” She closes her eyes, like she can't stand to look at me.
“But you do. I know you do. Jess, I’m sorry. If I could have taken his place, I would have. If I could have saved him, if I could have kept you from hurting like this, I would have. If I can do anything to help you now. I will.” I take another breath. “But I need you to understand that I still—”
“Don’t.” She’s fighting to stay in control. I reach for her hand, but she pulls it away. “I’ve moved on. I had to move on.” Her voice is a pleading whisper. “Can’t you just let me move on?”
She stands, turns her back on me and then walks away without looking back.
A knife goes through my heart.
I’m paralyzed, listening to her footsteps on the stairs. The door to her bedroom closes. It feels like my body is full of holes, like it’s riddled with bullets. Worse than bullets. Bullets would at least kill me, not just leave a thousand gaping holes that will never heal.
I look at the ceiling. She’s up there, one floor away. Ten stairs and a couple of steps to her bedroom door. It might as well be 7,000 miles. Worse than 7,000 miles. At least when that distance was between us, there was the promise of something on the other side.
I can still taste her lips. I can still feel her body against mine. I can still smell her hair. The soldier in me tells me I’m giving up too easily. That I should fight for her. I felt something in her kiss, something asdesperate and raw as what I've been feeling. What if I went to her room and forced her to listen to me?
One thought stops me. I’m the one making her miserable. I keep pushing her. I keep coming back, even when it obviously hurts her to be with me. As long as I’m around, she can’t heal.
What if Stephens can give her what I can’t? What if he can make her happy again?
Rain or not, I can’t stay here.
I have to get as far from Jess Roberts as possible.
The white envelope catches my eye. Something inside me turns to stone. She owes me that much. I pick up the envelope and stuff it into my pocket. I pull my jacket around me and head out into the storm.
forty-nine
Jess: Lies
Pain rips through me when the front door slams and the motorcycle roars to life. It’s all I can do to keep from running down the stairs, from going after him and telling him I lied.
I lied. I lied. I lied.
There is no moving on. There's only being stuck in a place and time where I lost my brother, lost my friend, lost my soul, and betrayed the person I love most.
I’ve pushed all my emotions away, locked them up somewhere in the darkest closet of my mind, so I don’t have to feel the pain or the fear or the guilt. I became a stone, a robot, a monster without any emotion.
And then he kissed me, and it all came back.
And I lied to him.
I didn’t push him away because I’d moved on. I didn’t push him away because I can't love him anymore. I made him leave because I felt something in his kiss.
I still love him.
That one emotion threatens to open the floodgates on everything I’ve kept buried. I can’t risk letting them out. I can’t risk feeling anything.
I’m not strong enough.
