“She didn’t tell you?”
“No.”
“At first it was cards, then emails, lately it’s been texts, even a few phone calls.”
“That’s why she got a new phone number,” I say. It’s no comfort that she didn’t just get a new phone number to avoid me. For whatever reason, Jess didn’t feel like she could tell me that Brad has been contacting her for a long time, even from prison. But she told Michael.
“That makes sense,” he says thoughtfully. “Probably why she wasn’t up for dinner in public when I asked her.”
My head and my heart are battling for dominance. My heart wants to keep Michael as far away from Jess as possible. My head tells me he might be the only one who can keep her safe. Steve is right. It’s stupid to think I’m the one who has to come to her rescue right now. She didn’t even trust me enough to tell me about the messages from Brad.
“Where are you now? Are you close to her? Could you find her and make sure she’s okay?”
“Pullman, and of course. I’ll go find her right now.”
I take a long breath, feeling like I’m giving her away. Stupid, because she’s not mine anymore. “Promise me you’ll keep her safe. Promise me you won’t let him get to her.”
“Don’t worry, Ricks. I promise. I’ll take care of her.”
seventy-eight
Jess: Safe
The drive was excruciating. A hundred times I thought about turning around. If Brad is looking for me anywhere, it would be at my house.
I don’t plan to stay very long.
I stop at the top of the hill and look down on my yard to make sure there are no extra cars in there. It’s empty. I park my car in the garage so no one can tell that I'm here. I go in through the garage door, past the kitchen that somehow still smells like my mom’s baking and dad’s barbecue, past Matt’s picture on the mantle, and the family picture above it—now almost four years old. I ache at the loss of the family I had.I know it will never be the same. There's always going to be an empty place, a hole where Matthew should be. And then there's what I've done to them. I wonder if I'll ever be able to repair all the damage I've caused.
I go upstairs and bypass my bedroom, heading straight for the office and Dad’s gun safe in the closet there. I have the combination memorized—Mom and Dad’s anniversary date—today, actually. They’ve been together for twenty-five years.
I think of my parents miles away in Alaska, or on a ship somewhere. Their marriage isn’t perfect, but I’ve always known they love each other. I wonder if I’ll ever have that, or if every relationship I have will end in pain and destruction.
A ping on my phone makes my heart race. My parents are the only ones who have this number, and Mom told me she wouldn’t be able to contact me while they’re gone.
I breathe again only when I see that it’s Mom.
Jess, where are you? Jasmine has been texting me, asking where you are. She’s really worried about you.
I text back.
Home.
I open the safe and reach to the back to pull out my rifle. A little velvet box falls out. I bend down to pick it up, confused. At first I think it’s Kendra’s ring, but as soon as I open it, I know. It was supposed to be mine. The half-proposal Jacob gave me at my apartment was the real thing. He’d planned it, even bought me a ring. And I’d messed it all up by asking him for the one thing he wasn’t willing to give me.
Why would he leave it here?
The thought hits me. He left it for me because he thinks he’s not coming back. I sink to my knees in front of the closet, holding the ring as the tears push through.
My phone buzzes again, as if Mom senses how much I’m hurting.
Is everything okay?
I want to tell her everything. I want her to come home and make me feel safe the way I once did. But I don’t want them to worry about me. I want my parents to have fun and celebrate and forget all the horrible things they’ve been through in the last few years.
I’m good. Just picking up some things here. Let Jaz know I’m okay. I’ll message her when I get back to my apartment.
Stay home tonight, please. I don’t want you driving back to your apartment alone.
