“I don’t know what’s happened to you, but you’re not going to take your issues out on him. If you want someone to spar with, I’ll be more than happy to break your face again.”
He and Adam walked out of the apartment, leaving me alone in pain on the floor. Darryl had never hated anyone, but he hated me. I made sure of that.
Another day passed in a blink, and I was in bed with Adam. He was drenched in sweat and I was panting, the room filled with the scent of sex. After it was over, we never looked at one another. He would turn to the wall and I’d stare at the ceiling. Until then, I had only considered Adam a necessary nuisance. This was never about love, rather a means to an end, but that wasn’t what I saw in Adam’s eyes as tears filled them.
“Why do you hate me?” he asked, his voice a gentle whisper.
“You have to give enough of a damn about someone to hate them.”
God, this hurt. What the fuck was wrong with me? This wasn’t who I really was.
“I just don’t understand. I thought you liked me. We used to talk. What did I do wrong?”
I examined myself closely, watching for any facial tic, any outward sign of what I felt inside. When I turned toward the window, I saw it—the sign of the emotions I was hiding. Though I tried to fight back the tears, they came anyway.
“You didn’t care,” I said. “I tried to tell you, but you didn’t care.”
The moment I said it, I remembered what set this off. Why didn’t that memory play out?
“What are you talking about?”
“You won’t be a half-turn forever, so when this is over, you’ll be free. Use me for sex, but I don’t want anything more from you.”
“Fine. If this is what you want, I don’t care anymore.”
I watched on as Adam drifted to sleep, and past me continued to stare out the window as the sun dipped below the skyline of that awful city. He kept his word, and that was the last time he tried to talk to me.
“As long as you hate me, you’re safe,” the past me whispered, eyes half-closed.
I didn’t remember saying that.
His eyes snapped open, and we both stared at one another.
“That’s what you felt, right?” past me asked. “As long as people hate you, they won’t die. But what could you possibly gain from living like that?”
The scene faded. This was no longer a look into what I thought I remembered, but what actually was. I was… talking to myself. That was the real me.
“I should have tried harder to understand you, Austin.” Adam sat on the floor of a black room with his head in his hands. “I should have told my dad I loved him, instead of hanging upon him. I should have owned up to what I did to those bullies instead of running away.”
Instead of a blue box, we were both the only light in what looked like an endless void. Maybe this was the last time I could make amends. If I really was dead, I wanted to pass. I wanted to make it right, if it was still possible.
“Hey,” I said, sitting next to him. “You know you didn’t do anything wrong, right?”
“I didn’t listen. I didn’t care. You tried to tell me, and I didn’t care.”
“It’s not that you didn’t. You couldn’t.” I hesitated, steeled myself with a deep breath, and slipped my arm around him. He was so warm, which was nice in such a cold place. “Adam, I don’t know how to make this right. I used my past as a crutch to keep myself from hurting anymore, but all I did was hurt myself by hurting you. I never gave you a chance to care, even when I tried to tell you what happened to me. You were eighteen, and I should’ve known better than to dump all my issues onto a kid. What could you do?”
Adam didn’t look up.
“I’m a terrible person. I resented Cody for being the one everyone loves, even you. I resented Darryl for not making the kuu bond with me. I resented Roscoe because he treated Cody so much better. And I resent you for putting me through hell. I hate you, and I hate hating you.”
No physical pain I’d ever experienced hurt as much as those words did.
“It’s okay to hate me. I never made it easy, but you’re not a terrible person. You were thrown into things you shouldn’t have been thrown into. Your dad knew you loved him. I could hear it in his voice when he was talking to you. Darryl saved your life, and he protected you, especially from me. He was too old for you to make that kind of bond with him, and I think deep downyou knew that. Darryl was more like a father you were missing. Always protecting you.”
“Do you hate me?” Adam asked, wiping his eyes.
“I never hated you for a moment. Not for one moment, Adam. I swear.”
