“Because if I fail, it ismyburden to bear, not yours.”
“Simon…”
“And if I succeed…” His voice trailed off. “Then I will finally have peace.”
“And what about me?” she whispered.
Simon’s gaze snapped back to hers.What about you, indeed?
“Where do I fit in, in all of this?”
He did not know how to answer that. He could only feelher, standing so close, looking at him with such innocence in her eyes that it killed him to keep the truth from her.
“Do you want the honest answer?” he asked finally.
“Always, yes.”
“I do not know,” he sighed.
“Well,” Rachel said after a long moment of silence. “At least I can appreciate the honesty, though it provides me no clarity at all.”
She let out a sigh. Perhaps she was also too exhausted by this constant tussle between the two of them.
“I never meant to make you feel unwanted,” he conceded finally. “If that was the impression you got, then you were sorely mistaken.”
“You cannot blame me for feeling that way.” Rachel searched his face. “Why push me away if that is what you felt?”
It was a question that he had already asked himself. Simon pushed his hands into his pockets. “You will mock me for my answer,” he said, testing the waters.
“At this point,” she let out a long breath, “I am fine with anything. Soplease.”
Simon looked at her for a long moment before answering.
“Because wanting you is dangerous.”
“Danger—”
“Let me explain myself at least,” he cut her off. It had taken him everything to be honest with her. “You make me forget. When I am with you, I lose sight of the things I have spent years focusing on. I become distracted. And I cannot afford distractions.”
“So, is that all I am to you?” Rachel blinked. “Adistraction. Or something of an inconvenience?”
“You areeverythingI have spent my life avoiding.” His jaw clenched.
Simon stepped closer then, just a fraction. His voice was lower now, almost resigned. “You make me want things I have long since decided I do not deserve.”
Rachel did not speak, but he noticed how her breathing was coming out rougher than before.
“This is why I made the rules.”To avoid this very situation, but look where we have ended up.He pushed the thought away and continued. “This is why I did not want you interfering.”
“Do you think…” she managed to splutter out, “do you believe that if I got too close to you, you would no longer be able to push me away?”
He wished that he could deny it, but she had arrived at the truth. The realization washed over both of them.
“You do not need to do this alone,” she said in a softer voice.
“You make it sound simpler than it is,” he said, smiling sadly. “But you do not really understand.”
“Thenhelp meunderstand,” Rachel took a slow breath. “Tell me what you have been keeping from me. If you want us to move forward, then you are going to have to remove these barriers you have put in place.”
