“He kissed me,” Susan whispered.
Leah left her hand on Susan’s shoulder. She didn’t seem shocked. She didn’t seem to feel that this was anything to be upset about. She just waited patiently.
And finally, Susan’s guard began to crumble.
“He kissed me,” she repeated. “And I don’t know what to think about it. I don’t know what it means. I don’t know how I can accept it, because we agreed that we wouldn’t have a marriage based on love. He agreed to that. He said it so many times. Iknowhe doesn’t love me now, because he’s told me over and over that things wouldn’t be like that between the two of us. Nothing has changed.”
“Do you know nothing has changed?” Leah asked her. “Can you really know that? If he kissed you, he must have had a reason. Why do you think he did it?”
“I think he was trying to make a point to me,” Susan said. “He had seen me speaking with another man at the Montgomery Ball. He was angry about it. He thought I was running the risk of causing a scandal and making him look bad in front of all of London.”
“Were you?”
“No. It was only a conversation,” Susan said. “He overreacted to it. But then that kiss—I think he wanted to show me that Ibelonged to him, and that I shouldn’t be acting the way I had. He wanted to remind me that he was my husband.”
“That sounds unkind,” Leah said sympathetically.
“Well… I don’t think he intended it cruelly,” Susan said slowly. “It wasn’t like that. I didn’t feel as though he overstepped, exactly. Actually…” She swallowed hard. “Actually, I quite enjoyed the kiss.”
“Well, that’s an important thing to notice,” Leah said seriously. “A kiss from a cruel man is not a pleasurable thing, so if you enjoyed it, that tells me that he was paying attention to your experience. It tells me that he had care for you in that moment.”
Susan nodded. “That’s right,” she agreed. “I think that’s very true. He doesn’t want to be cruel or hurtful. He didn’t kiss me out of anger. He did it to remind me that we were united.”
“But what’s wrong with that?” Leah asked. “It sounds like it might have been a nice moment for you.”
“No, it wasn’t,” Susan said. “Because in that moment, I realized… I do have feelings for him. That one kiss would never be enough for me. I’m always going to want more, and he can’t offer me that, because that isn’t what our marriage was ever supposed to be.”
“And so you left,” Leah said.
“I had to. I couldn’t face it. I couldn’t stay there and allow myself to hope that maybe he would change his mind. Not when I know he won’t.”
“But did the two of you ever discuss that kiss?” Leah asked her. “Did you ever try to find out whether his feelings had actually changed?”
“They hadn’t.”
“Yours did. Is it so impossible he might have experienced something similar?”
“I think it is,” Susan said quietly. “When I left, he didn’t even try to stop me. And surely if he felt any sort of love for me, he would have said something then. That was the moment.”
“I don’t know,” Leah said. “Affairs of the heart are difficult to predict or explain. I can’t try to guess at what the Duke might have been feeling, or why he acted the way he did. But I do know this, Susan—if you care for this man, you need to find out whether he shares those feelings. If you don’t find out, you’re always going to be left wondering, and you shouldn’t have to live with questions like that. You deserve to get the answers.”
“What if I go back and he laughs at me?”
“You said he wasn’t cruel.” Leah started walking again, and Susan did the same. “Even if he doesn’t share your feelings, is helikely to respond that way? With mockery? Does that sound like the man you know?”
It didn’t, Susan was forced to concede. “I suppose I’m not really worried he’s going to mock me,” she said. “But I am worried that he won’t share my feelings, and that he’ll think me foolish. I know he wouldn’t make light of it to my face, but I don’t think I could bear it if I thought he had lost respect for me.”
“You’re allowing your pride to get the better of you,” Leah said gently.
“I just don’t want to get hurt.”
“I understand. But it’s worth the risk, Susan. I meant what I said yesterday—you’re hurting already. You have no choices that will save you from pain. The best choice you have is to discover whether he shares your feelings. Maybe he doesn’t. But maybe he does, and if so, it would be a terrible shame if you missed a chance at real love because you didn’t take the risk and learn the truth. You deserve the chance to find out how he feels about you. You deserve to talk to him about this.”
“And if he doesn’t return my feelings?”
“Then at least you’ll know,” Leah said. “Right now you’re telling me you know how he feels, but I see the questions in your eyes. I know you still have doubts. You still wonder what might be possible. If you speak to him and he tells you no, then you can set those thoughts aside and begin to heal properly. But you won’t be able to do that until you know for sure.”
Susan thought about it.
