She spotted Marina and Gilbert on the dance floor. Marina’s face was flushed, and she was smiling. For the first time, Susan found herself genuinely wondering what their honeymoon had been like. They truly did love each other. Even if she had some fear about what the future held for them, there could be no doubt about how they felt today. They must have enjoyed every moment of being sequestered together. They’d have spent the whole time in one another’s arms, she was sure. Even mealswould have been taken side by side, where they could reach out and touch one another as often as they liked.
As she watched, the dance ended, and another began. Her sister and Gilbert didn’t separate. They didn’t even seem able to stop gazing into one another’s eyes.
The way Norman had looked at her… it reallywasn’tthe same as the way Gilbert was looking at Marina. Watching them gave her the ability to discern the difference. With Norman, it had been a momentary thing, as if he was noticing something he hadn’t seen before. Something he liked, certainly. But not something that he would be distracted by.
Gilbert looked at Marina the way a man might stare at the moon. It was as if he was trying to solve all her mysteries, as if he didn’t care who took notice of him.
He really does love her.It rooted her where she stood. She had never seen her father look at her mother that way. She had never seen anyone look at another person that way. She could no longer attempt to deny Gilbert’s feelings for her sister. They were clear.
A wash of relief came over her. Maybe she didn’t need to worry about Marina, in that case. Maybe everything really was going to be all right.
And yet, to her surprise, she wasn’t as soothed as she might have expected to be.
She looked around, hoping to see Norman, an ache growing in her chest at his absence. Of course, he needed to socialize with people. That was more than understandable. But at the same time, being on her own…
I can manage being on my own. I’m capable.
Yes.
And besides… she didn’twanthim too close to her. When he had looked at her like that, as though he might actually be feeling something for her, it had sparked a longing deep within her. And she didn’t want to feel that longing. She couldn’t.
Maybe Gilbert’s feelings for Marina were true. Maybe the incredible had happened, and love had flourished.
But that was still the overwhelming exception.
Just look at her mother and father. Just look at Leah and her husband… no, she couldn’t even think about that. And she didn’t want to fall victim to the appeal of romance. It would be lovely to have someone look at her with admiration; she wouldn’t deny it. But that didn’t mean it was safe. That didn’t make it a good idea. She sipped her wine. The thought had to be forced away.
But even so… she longed for him. In a way that made her uneasy, she was preoccupied with him. She yearned for him to come back, to lead her back out onto the dance floor, even though sheknew that wasn’t going to happen. They had had all the dances they were going to have this evening.
“Enjoying the wine?”
She glanced over and saw Norman’s cousin Michael approaching with his own glass of wine. He’d also chosen the white. For some reason, that gave her a surge of fondness. “It’s good,” she said, taking a sip.
“Not the best I’ve ever had, but it’s certainly passable,” he agreed. “And where has your husband taken off to? I’d have liked to speak with him.”
“He has to socialize while we’re here,” she explained.
“And he didn’t want to take you along with him?” Michael shook his head. “A travesty, if you ask me. I would have taken you.”
She laughed. “It’s not such a travesty. I think he’s talking business with people, and I can’t be of much use to him on that front.”
“Well, perhaps not,” Michael allowed. “I saw the two of you sharing a dance earlier. I must say, it looked as if he was enjoying himself.”
“Do you think so?” It pleased her to think that Michael felt that way about it. He knew Norman as well as anyone did. “I thought we had a pleasant time.”
“I certainly think so,” he said. “Truly, it’s a gift to see my cousin out and about at all, much less dancing and looking as if he wants to be here. Even though I know he likes spending time in your company, a ball is a different proposition. I would have expected him to be eager to take his leave.”
“I do think he’ll want to go fairly soon,” Susan said with a smile. “But in the meantime…I’m glad to think that he’s having a nice time. I appreciate you telling me.”
Still, she trembled at the thought of it. Yes, it was good to think that Norman was enjoying himself. But what if thatdidmean he had feelings for her? What if he was going to ask her about it later? She had made it clear to him, hadn’t she, that she didn’t want to fall in love? What if he thought that was something he could change her mind about?
What if she didn’t have the willpower to tell him no?
How many times had she seen it happen? The promise of romance could suck people in powerfully. That was what had happened to Marina. Perhaps for Marina, it would pay off, and she would be allowed to keep her happy ending. But seeing it happen to her sister, this rare thing, made Susan that much more certain that it couldn’t happen to her. Such a rarity couldn’t occur twice within the same family. Disharmony, discord, dissatisfaction—those were the normal outcomes.
By maintaining distance, she could ensure her happiness. No matter what she might feel, the most important thing was thatshe maintain that safe distance. She had to make sure that Norman didn’t have the power to upend her whole world.
They could be friends. Shewantedthem to be friends. But they couldn’t be anything more.
