His jaw tightened, and I swore I heard him swallow. My friend kept secrets from me. I could almost feel the tension rolling off him, and I hated whatever caused it. If I knew, then I’d fight it, but that meant he had toshareit with me.
He ran a hand through his hair, chugging half the beer in one gulp before saying, “It’s fine. I might head to bed. We have early morning hiking, according to Becky. Have fun.” He got up, patted my head, and went to our tent without a word.The beer dangled from his hand as he left.
He was a night owl, like me. He never headed inearly. Even when we’d hopped on a flight at five am a few years ago, he stayed up until midnight and was just fine and dandy. It was almost like… he wanted to escapeme. I chewed the side of my lip as that realization hit me hard and fast. There were signs he was pulling away. Slowly. A small thing one day growing into another. Weeks to months of little feelings collided into watching him walk away.
Anxieties exploded like a cyclone of butterflies in my stomach, and I regretted having a few beers. The alcohol churned, and Becky caught my eye over the fire. We also had thespeak withoutwordsthing down, and I shook my head, offering her a shaky smile. If Matt needed space, I’d give it to him, but he usually told me about it. Mentioned he was in a mood.
All day we’d be laughing, joking around, and then bam. He’d pull back. Was he sick of our friendship? Was he done with my shit? I accepted I was a lot to handle, but he was my constant, my forever friend. Guys came and went, but not him. He was my safe space when nothing in my life was permanent. Being a virtual personal assistant meant I could travel and leave any time, and with my mom’s endless marriage attempts… Matt was my home.
What if he’s met someone, and she wants him to end his friendship with you?It was my biggest, darkest fear that reared its ugly head every few months. He hadn’t been with anyone in months. He would’ve told me. Probably.
Not knowing for sure ate at me. My throat ached as the worry in my stomach doubled in size.
“I might head in too, y’all. Don’t set anything on fire,” I said, waving at the small groans of protests. My feet felt like blocks of cement, heavy and awkward as I neared the tent. We’d gotten in zero fights all these years. Arguments, sure. But fights? This awkward unspoken tension? Never. I hesitated at the opening of the tent, afraid of going in and ruining it all.
I needed him in my life. If he wanted me gone, I wouldn’t know what to do. Everyone told me it was weird to have a male best friend for so long. Past boyfriends blamed him for me not settling down. His exes always had a beef with me but we got through it together.
“You gonna hover there all night?” he asked, his voice laced with amusement. “I can hear your heavy breathing.”
“Shut up! I don’t breathe heavily,” I said, gaining the confidence needed to enter our tent. He mentioned it being too small, but seeing his massive frame in there taking up over half of the sleeping bags, I grinned. Plus, he wore the goofiest Grinch onesie. “I’ll just have to sleep on top of you, huh?”
He cleared his throat and blushed like I wanted him too. The tight lines around his eyes came back. “Why are you here? You’re missing the lyric battle of the NSYNC Christmas album, the best of all time according to you.”
“It is the best, without question, but that can wait. Plus, it wouldn’t be fair because I’d win, obviously.” I laughed, a little forced, and eyed him. “You looked sad.” I sat down crisscross, our knees bumping together. The plastic lantern sat between us, giving our skin a great lighting. If this was a filter, it’d be badass.Tent lighting mode. Woods lantern lighting.It made Matt look even more handsome with this tanned skin and dark features. I tapped my finger on my knee, taking a breath. “With me, specifically.”
He blinked. “I'm not upset with you.” His eyes gave nothing away. Not a thing.
My muscles twitched, and my throat filled with molasses. I couldn’t handle him being upset with me. I’d do whatever I could to fix it, and something told me he wasn’t sharing the entire truth. “Please just tell me what’s going on. We never hide things from each other.”
He ran a hand over his face a few times and lay back on the sleeping bag, the rustling of the material the only sound for a few seconds. “Can you just trust me that it’s not you?”
“Sure, but we really don’t keep secrets from each other,” I said, my worry getting worse. “Mattie,” I whispered, climbing over him so I straddled him. I had personal boundary issues in general, but with people I loved, they didn’t exist. I’d spooned my friends, hugged strangers, and thought nothing of my actions.
I’d done it a hundred times in our friendship and cuddling let me get closer to him. Feel his warmth and see how tight his muscles were. Something was up. I bent closer to him, my face five inches from his, and he glared at me.
“Come on, Mads, I’m not in the mood.” He groaned and grabbed my hips to move me. That made me tighten my grip with my thighs, wiggling around in the process to let him know I meant business.
“You’re not telling me something, and I want to ask. I don’t keep anything from you, and we can pretend things haven’t been different between us, but they have. I tried to avoid it, pretend I imagined it, but it’s there.” I swallowed the ball of emotion. “Are you breaking up with me?”
“Maddie, no,” he said, closing his eyes with a resigned sigh. He seemed to deflate underneath me, like all the secrets I wasn’t privy to weighed him down and he just let them. His mouth twisted into a scowl when he tried moving me again, but I doubled down.
“I will sleep on you until we figure this out. We’re in the woods for a weekend, Mims. I know ways to hide a body, don’t forget. It’s all the crime shows.” I put my hands on his chest and felt the steady beat of his heart. It grounded me. “I need you in my life, man. I can change, probably. I know I’m a lot to handle, so if it’s me, just tell me. Give it to me straight. I can handle it is, whatever is bothering you. I just can’t live in a world where you’re not happy.”
He ground his teeth together, not answering me, and I adjusted my position on him since I sat on something hard. He had to have a flashlight in his pocket, and it was a little uncomfortable. I dug my fingers into his chest, balancing myself, when I rearranged my weight. With the movement, he looked at me with an entirely new expression.
Heat. Fire.Lust.
My breath lodged in my throat at the lust brewing in his gorgeous brown eyes. I’d never seenthatexpression directed at me before, and holyshit.My skin felt too tight, and a desperate, dangerous need pounded through me when I realized it wasn’t a flashlight at all. Heat flooded to my core, to my fingertips and my toes. My oldest friend had an erection with me sitting on him, and Ilikedit.
CHAPTER FOUR
Matt
Fuck.I’d held it together as long as I could, thinking about trees and bugs, but now her tight body wiggled on me. My attempt to hide my reaction failed. My cock had sprung to life, and she’d figured it out.
Her lips parted, and her chest heaved.
I could deny it. Come up with something, and she’d let me. I knew her. She’d give me that out, and we wouldn’t talk about it again. But… I could also go for honesty. Take a chance. Put everything I’d felt the last decade on the line. It’d be easier to deny and avoid, because telling her the truth scared the shit out of me. If I went for it, there was a chance that it could destroy a lifetime of friendship. Maddie went through lovers as often as I went to the gym, and knowing she could discard me or deny me caused a white-hot pain to radiate through me. What was worse—not knowing or being rejected?
