Cami looked on, her eyes a little wet.
“Of course, I will. I’ll find the cutest tux ever and be your best man,” Ryann said.
“I’m in too,” Jonah said.
Then they both stared at me. My heart beat fast, and my palms sweated, and the hope in Michael’s eyes was almost too much. He wantedmeto be inhis wedding?Those photos were forever. “Are you sure?”
“Dude. We’ve celebrated holidays together. Get drinks once a week. We’re family, man. Our weird little crew. I’m not gonna be your coach forever. We love you.”
My throat constricted, and I took a shaky breath. I gripped the sides of the table as wave after wave of emotion plowed through me.We love you.
We’re family.
I closed my eyes for a second. No one had told me those words since my parents died. We love you.
I knew Charlie cared for me, but he wasn’t one to say that. And besides him, there hadn’t been anyone else. A soft hand landed on my shoulder and squeezed. I opened my eyes to see Ryann smiling at me softly. “Hey, I know it’s a lot. Jonah is a bit emotionally stunted too, and us Reiners broke through.”
“I’m still on the phone, Ry.”
“I’m aware,” she said, laughing but not taking her eyes of me. “Michael talks about you like you’re the brother he never had. Jonah and I watch you play almost every game. Come, join the circus.”
“It is a circus, Holt, but it’s worth it,” Jonah said. “I say that reluctantly.”
I rarely cried. I’d kept it in and shoved it down all these years, but my eyes prickled. I ran the back of my free arm over my face and nodded. “Jesus Christ, fine. I’m in.”
Cami beamed.
Ryann clapped my arm, and Michael nodded at me, the absolute joy on his face somehow a comfort. These two had no idea what this meant to me. There was no way. To be included, and called family? Even when I’d been a total asshole?
“This means… a lot, Reiner.”
He nodded again as Ryann hung up the phone. We finished eating dinner, but the thing I kept thinking about was how badly I wanted to tell Elle. She’d be so happy for me and smile and do the squeal thing she did when something sparked joy. I forced myself to not freak out that I’d just hurt the person who had somehow worked their way up to the top of my list.
I might care about more people now, but Elle was at the top. Even if I was bad for her, I could work to be better? Michael liked me, somehow, and didn’t think I was a piece of shit. I’d learn. Grow. Study whatever book Elle needed me to so I could be enough for her. To prove to her and Gabe that I could be good.
Elle deserved the world and maybe I could be the person for her?
So, after Michael and Ryann headed out, I made a plan.
First stop Sunday morning was to finally get a tattoo for my mom and dad.Take Off Your Pants and Jacketfrom 2001. My dad had been obsessed with this album. The stoplight represented so much to me—almost like my life. I’d come to acomplete stop when they died, danced in the yellow as I slowly figured out next steps, and yeah, it had taken years but I finally felt like I was in the green now. Ready to go.
Ready to stop being so fucking mad all the time.
My mom’s favorite was Incubus’sA Crow Left of the Murder,and the red flowers on the artwork would be perfect. Plus, she loved flowers. My dad had always bought her some for no reason, and it put a huge smile on her face. Once I decided on the two designs, I had a sense of peace. I wasn’t angry at my life as much.
I printed both out after reading the shop’s requirements online and headed in. Neither were large but would take two hours or so, and I texted Charlie that I might be a little late to the bar. He didn’t care since I told him what I was doing.
Learning I wasn’t a fan of needles was fun, but the whole time I was there, I wished Elle was with me. She’d hold my hand and laugh at the way I winced. They bandaged up forearm and gave me care instructions, and I left a generous tip. The artist combined the flowers with the stoplight, and now, I carried a little part of my parents everywhere I went.
My lungs felt lighter, like they didn’t have to work as hard as before. If I’d have realized a tattoo was all it took, I would’ve done this years ago. Even though deep down, I knew I hadn’t been ready. I ran a hand over my chest, smiling up at the sky. Pain was a symbol of a deep love, and even though my parents were gone, I’d experienced what it felt like to be loved. Not all kids had that. I’d gotten eighteen years with them. Lizzie had gotten four with her mom.
Michael had gotten twenty.
As I drove home, I made a quick stop at the store to grab snacks. Even though I was sure Elle was furious at me, she needed to eat. I bought cookies, fruit snacks, and almonds andquickly headed to the bar. It was only an hour later than I’d planned.
My gaze searched for Elle the second I walked in the door. She wore a red bandana in her hair, tied at the top, and a white tank top. Her cutoff shorts were darker than normal, and she didn’t look up at all as the door swung shut.
“I want to see it.” Charlie stood from the table, Alex nodding at me as I entered. Charlie met me halfway, and I carefully peeled the bandage off my arm. “Wow, they did a great job. You should post something online and credit the artist.”
