He blinked real fast, his nostrils flaring, but he gave a firm shake of his head. “I’ll always care for you, Kenzie, but just as friends. As Aaron’s little sister. Agreeing to more of…this…is not something I’ll ever do.”
“Okay. Sure, yeah.”I will not cry. Nope. Hide it.“We promised to be honest. I guess…this is it. I’ll j-just head back to my r-room. Good luck, Tanner. You’re going to kill it tomorrow.”
He started to say something, but I was already through the bathroom door and into my bed before tears fell. It made sense now, that kiss. It was a goodbye. I didn’t try to rationalize my feelings, or hide them until later. They took over my body and I cried myself to sleep—at the loss of something amazing, at the fact that our friendship was probably over, but also at the way he’d gotten me to love him unintentionally. It was all-consuming and when it wasn’t reciprocated, it slashed my heart. I let myself feel every emotion—something I didn’t do often—and I fell asleep with tears drying on my face. Tomorrow would be a new day and I would face it then.
* * * *
My eyes were a little red and that was the only indication of my miserable night of sleep. I was a master at hiding my inner thoughts. I’d had to be, all those years at home, and this was no different.Deep breath in, then out, think of something safe.Work. I work tonight.I thought of Clyde and bussing tables.Yes, that works.With that on my mind, I walked downstairs around lunchtime in jeans and one of the Zwillows Pillows shirts they’d gotten me for my birthday.God, that was weeks ago.
So much had changed since then.
I had roommates I wanted to be friends with, I had a job I loved and kept me busy and I’d gone from having low expectations of love to falling head first into it with someone off-limits. It was a wild fucking ride I hadn’t signed up for and my poor heart couldn’t handle any more pain.
The guys were at the field until noon and I used the free time to come up with a plan to get out of the house—only problem was, all the places I wanted to go were ones Tanner had shown me. Great. Maybe moping and watching TV without love would be the best idea. I did it all the time and they could ignore me when they got back.Wouldn’t be the first time.
After a bowl of cereal, three cups of coffee and a banana, I lounged on the couch, binge watchingCriminal Mindsand forgot to vacate the area. To be fair, the episodes were getting intense and I couldn’t stop watching. That was what I told myself, at least. It had nothing to do with waiting to see Tanner and wanting to know how he’d done on the field.
“Hey, Kenz.” Aaron dumped his duffel to the right of the entryway and plopped down on the loveseat. He smelled like sweat and sunscreen, clearly not having showered before heading home. “What season of the show are we on?”
“Fifth.”
“Sweet. Love this one.” He got himself real comfortable and I waved at Zade when he came in. His reaction—a grimace.Weird.
“Like my shirt, Z?” I asked, trying to smile to break the tension that clogged the air when Tanner followed him in. “Thought you’d appreciate it.”
“Jesus,” he scoffed, moving his gaze from me to Tanner a little too quickly. But he looked back at me. “I can’t believe you have that shit. I’ll burn it if you leave it out.”
“Can you sign it? It’ll help me getreallypopular when I move into the dorms.”
He rolled his eyes and lingered at the base of the stairs, watching Tanner move from the living room to the kitchen. “I was all for trading Jeff for you, but not anymore. You’re outta here soon, Ken. And not a day longer.”
“You’ll miss me, Zade. You all will.”
“Eh, maybe,” Aaron said, prompting me to smack him with a pillow. He laughed and looked up at Tanner. “You’ll miss having a friend here, won’t you, TJ? She was actually nice to you.”
The air stilled. Tanner’s face looked like a statue, with his jaw tensing and his eyes going wide. Zade, too, stood taller. Aaron had no idea how heavy those words were and I waited for Tanner’s response. He refused to look at me. Instead, he shrugged and unscrewed his bottle of water. “I guess, yeah.”
“You’ll be back over here though, right? You’ll come visit?” Aaron asked, giving me a worried smile. “I kinda liked having you here.”
“First off, I’m not leaving for another two weeks. Also, I’m not dying so you’ll all see me again. Secondly, I’m going to miss living with you too, brother.” I moved to give him a noogie, only to have him smack my hand away. “Are you all hanging out here tonight?”
“Probably. We leave for a tournament tomorrow—only going two days this time, so don’t carry around a bat trying to attack criminals.”
“You should’ve texted me, asshole. I was only protecting myself and I would’ve done a great job, thank you very much.” I pointed my finger at Aaron’s chest and Tanner’s gaze hit my bare legs. It wasn’t fair. He shouldn’t be able to give me those type of looks if he didn’t want to try. My chest felt heavy again and I needed a distraction. “I’m going to head to a café before my shift starts. If I don’t see you guys later, good luck at your games.”
“Thanks, Ken. We might stop by the bar tonight—Greta’s working and she’s experimenting with some new open mic shit.”
“Cool. See you then.”
I walked past Tanner with my head held high, not giving him a clue how messed up my heart was around him. My plan was in place—lose myself in homework and pick up every extra table at the bar so I couldn’t think.
* * * *
“This duo ain’t cutting it for me. What do ya think, Kenz?” Greta asked, leaning on the bar and giving me a curious look later that night. “You’re frowning, so I take it they’re bad?”
“Uh, no. They’re fine.” I took another deep breath and focused on wiping the same spot with a rag. The two guys on stage sang off-pitch and it was almost comical—but I couldn’t find it in me to laugh just yet. Tanner, Aaron, Zade and some other teammates were at the bar and every time I wasn’t busy, I snuck a glance at him and felt slapped when he never looked my way. In fact, he hadn’t acknowledged me once.
He has to still feel something, right? Why does he have to be here?
