My last wish, which you can ignore or accept, is for both of you to be at the reading of my will. I left you both something that you can either keep and use for the future, donate to a charity if you wish or throw away. I know you might do that and that’s okay.
I am sorry for the pain I’ve caused you. I cannot tell you how much I am and I let my fears rule my life. If you meet your half siblings, please don’t take out your anger at me on them. They were born without knowledge of you both—again, my doing.
Thank you for reading this. I am sorry. I’ve held nothing but love and pride for you both and your mother. Until I see you guys again, Dad.
I reread it. Two more times. Zaria continued to hold my hand and waited for me to react. I remained silent a little longer, unable to comprehend the gravity of the situation. “I don’t know what to say.”
“I don’t either. Should we call mom?”
“Yeah. Yeah, I think we should.” My eyes stung but I swallowed the emotion down. “She’ll know what to do.”
She did. We talked to her for two hours. We all cried and mourned a man we hadn’t seen or thought of in years.How do I mourn someone I never really knew but who had a huge impact on my life?I couldn’t. My mind broke into a million pieces at the thought of it. Mom told us stories of how they’d met and the problems they had. There were five years of bliss until the addiction took over. It seemed our mom had kept his addiction from us all these years to shield us from pain, and I couldn’t fault her for that.
“Was there a number or someone to call about the reading of the will?” My mom asked, blowing her nose.
“No, but I’m going to call back the number that tried getting hold of me.” Zaria wiped under her eyes and I put my arm around her, comforting her the best I could. “Should we go? We have half siblings. I can’t believe it.”
“I know. I can’t either.” I felt numb to it. We had other siblings. Other children made from the same man. I didn’t know if I was angry. Sad. Mad. Pissed. Shocked. Or all of the above.
“I cannot decide that for you guys. Do you want me to fly home? I can take a couple of days.”
“No, Mom. Stay there. Keep being superwoman We’ll see you, as planned, for Thanksgiving. We can get through it. You raised pretty awesome kids.”
“That I did.” She sniffled again. “You can take my advice or leave it, but hear me out, okay?”
“Of course, Mom,” I said, rolling my eyes. The action reminded me of Callie and my heart stumbled all over again. “What is it?”
“I think you should go. This opened up a can of worms I never thought would be opened. You might not realize it now or next month, but this might hit you in the most unexpected way in a few years. Or when you have kids or something. I don’t want you to have regrets. Your father did, and I’ve had my fair share.”
“I think I want to go. I want to meet our half siblings.” Zaria peered up at me through her lashes. “What do you think?”
“I have too many what ifs going on, but I agree with mom. I have no idea what he left us, but I won’t take the money. I’ll donate every cent to Aaron’s family. I won’t touch it. Mom, you raised us and I’m not taking money from a stranger who was a sperm donor.” I hadn’t realized I had so much anger until that moment. “I’m pissed, now.”
“I know. I am too, Zade. But you might regret it later.” Her voice remained calm, but her eyes, the same as mine, filled with emotion.
“I’d never let Zaria go alone. And, yeah, I’ll meet them. But, I won’t accept anything from him. I don’t even know his damn name.”
“Zamon. His name was Zamon.”
“Is that why we have weird Z names?” I asked, having been curious why we were named that. I’d asked my mom countless times growing up, but she’d said they were pretty. I’d always accepted the half-assed answer.
“Yeah. Yours means popularity and origin. Zaria, yours means blossom or princess. He chose the names.” She wiped her eyes, sighing. “Are you guys going to be okay?”
“Yes. We’ll hang out tonight,” Zaria said, sniffling again. “Thanks for taking time to talk to us, Mom. We love you.”
“I love you, too. Both of you. You’re the best part of my life. No matter what happens, know that.” She blew us a kiss and promised to call the next day. I went to Zaria’s chair and collapsed into it.
“I want to get rip-roaring drunk and feel nothing.”
“No. I won’t let you.” She sat on the floor, legs crossed. “This is a lot to process. Give it time.”
“I’m not dealing with only this. I’m done with Callie, too.” I bit the words out like they hurt saying. “She doesn’t trust me.”
“Uh, are you on drugs or something? None of what you said made sense. That girl loves you. What the hell happened?”
“It’s too much to explain. She doesn’t trust me. End of story.”
“Zade. You better fucking tell me what happened. If you think you can give me half-truths, think again. The entire time we talked to Mom I thought how lucky you were that you got to talk about this with someone you loved. You found someone who matches you. Why throw that away?”
