I walked faster and bolted up the stairs to our place but was greeted with dark silence. No smell of equipment, no freshly showered Jonah anywhere. He wasn’t back yet. I sighed and hated the twist in my gut.
Ryann: Hey, I’m back home and really need to know you’re okay.
Nothing, again.
I rationalized all the things he could be doing. Maybe he went with his dad to help him through seeing his mom. Or maybe they were having a beer somewhere. The guys would party after winning…he could be at the hockey house.
A terrible, disgusting thought hit me. What if he was with another girl? He wouldn’t do that though. He didn’t like hook-ups, and we were exclusiveuntil the season started.
Fuck, technically, we were done.
And he watched me run after Michael.
I had no idea why I saidwe are nothingto Michael after he caught us. My worst fear of my only family abandoning me had flashed before my eyes, and my body went into protection mode. I said whatever I needed to in hopes of stopping Michael from leaving. But at what cost?
I lay on the couch and stared at the ceiling, overwhelmed with all of the confusing emotions. The regret of refusing to talk to Jonah over the fear he would end it that morning… to the pride seeing him on the ice, to the worry about his family, to the fear that I ruined us by chasing after my brother.
In a last-ditch attempt, I sent him one more text.
Ryann: I really need to see you. Are you coming home?
It went unanswered, and I eventually fell asleep, only to wake up in a still empty place.
Jonah never came home.
* * *
His absence didn’t mean he hooked up with someone, but the unanswered texts and the fact he still wasn’t home—at noon—meant this was intentional. He chose to not respond or come back, and it hurt.
Even if he was pissed at me and wanted to end this, he owed me a conversation.
Ryann: You’re acting like an asshole. If you want to be angry, come do it to my face. Stop being a fucking coward.
Jonah: Right, I’m the coward.
Ryann: Oh, glad you’re alive.
I didn’t care if I sounded immature or bitchy. I was worried. So worried I barely slept, and I had large bags under my eyes that made me look gaunt and all sorts of awful.
Ryann: Look, can we talk?
Jonah: You said yourself that we were nothing. What else is there to say?
Ryann: So that’s it?
Jonah: I don’t know what you want me to tell you. I’m turning off my phone. I need to focus.
I groaned in frustration and tossed my barely touched laptop to the side.What else is there to say.What did that even mean? I slammed my eyes shut as a wave of absolute desperation hit me. Was this him ending this for real? Did my chasing after Michael solidify to him that this was over, or did he plan on this being done the whole time? Fuck if I knew, but it hurt, bad, and I wanted to curl into a ball and cry. We were good together and brought out the best in each other. Earning a Jonah smile was the best gift in the world.
His laugh was the second best.
I rested my face against my hands and pressed my lips together tight to try and prevent myself from crying. Three deep breaths later, I got temporary control on the waterworks. What if he moved out without talking to me?
God, he wouldn’t do that… right?
Of all the days I wished I had to work… this was one of them.
I could use the distraction. I needed to escape the place where Jonah wasn’t coming back to and I’d be stuck thinking about all the what ifs.
