“Well, damn,” she exhaled. “I have never experienced such a high and low in my emotions in one breath in my life.”
Xander scoffed a laugh. “Tell me about it.”
“Well…” She shook her head and waved her hands in the air. “What do you mean by shemight notkeep it?”
Xander told her everything that had transpired. Him showing up at Rylee’s home, walking into her bathroom, and finding the pregnancy test.
He then took his time retelling the conversation in which Rylee told him it was her choice what she might do… and that she might not keep their baby.
“She said she’s still grieving,” Xander added, pinching the space between his eyes. “Said she never planned on three kids.” He stopped to lick his lips and bite his bottom one. “I told her I’d handle it, that I wanted this baby, but… she said it’s her decision.”
He squeezed his eyes closed. The recollection of her stating it washer choicecut just as deep as actually hearing her say the words.
“And she’s right.” He forced a nod. “Iknowshe’s right. But damn, Ma.” He lifted his gaze to his mother, who now looked so sad for him. “How can I live with that?”
Xander was up on his feet, hands at the top of his locs as he started pacing.
“Iwantthis family,” he confessed, stopping to look at her. “I want her,sobad. But she’s so loyal to Lennox, which I love and hate at the same fucking time because sometimes I feel like I’m fighting a ghost… and getting my ass handed to me every time.”
Michelle sighed, then ran her fingers through her pressed hair.
She pointed up at him and told him, “First, I’m gonna let that language slide because this is a moment which justifies it… but you gon’ get no morefucksout that mouth around here.”
He sucked his teeth. “You saidfuckearlier.”
“I don’t give afuckwhatIsaid,” she snapped back, which made him laugh. “Youdon’t say it. Watch what Ido, not what Isay.”
He held his hands up in mock surrender.
“Second,” she exhaled, standing from her desk. “You’re not fighting a ghost, baby.”
Michelle closed the distance between herself and her son. She took his hand and added, “You’re loving a woman who’s been through hell. There’s a very big difference.”
Xander’s shoulders sank at that, because yes, his mother was right.
Rylee had experienced a level of heartbreak he always wished he could take from her whenever he looked into her eyes.
If he could bear the pain she clearly carried on her heart, he would. Without question.
Michelle guided Xander back to the couch, taking a seat beside him and placing her hand on his knee.
“You said you love her, right?”
He nodded, eyes on the carpet. “Very much.”
“Then let her feel what she needs to feel.”
Xander looked at his mother, and she gave him a sweet smile while squeezing his knee.
“Grief…” She shook her head. “Thatthangdoesn’t have a timeline. You know that better than most, being in your line of work, and just from experience.”
Xander ran his tongue across his teeth, his mind playing back some of the most heartbreaking scenarios he’d found himself in as a firefighter.
There weren’t many, but the tragedies he’d had the unfortunate opportunity of being in the center of… they’d truly stolen a little life from him.
But really, nothing compared to growing up without a father who died from gun violence.
“When I lost your father,” Michelle continued, “I could not be bothered with anyone. I just could not do it, so I totally get where Rylee is coming from. I probably would’ve considered what she’s considering if I’d gotten pregnant when I believed I was done with children.”
