“Oh my gosh! Tae, we need to go to the hospital. That’s a lot of blood.”
“I can’t, Ry. Not yet. He doesn’t know. Jackson doesn’t even know.”
My knees give out on me and I collapse, the only thing preventing me from falling is Jackson’s strong arms wrapped around me.
“I’m so sorry!” I wail into his chest through the sobs that wrack my body.
“Shh,” he hushes against my temple, bringing one of his hands up to wipe the tears steadily streaming down my face.
“It’s all my fault,” I admit, ashamed by my body’s continued failure.
Pulling my head off his chest, he holds my face in his hands, his eyes flicking back and forth between mine. “What are you talking about, baby? You have nothing to be sorry for.”
“I do!” I choke out, knowing I look as hysterical as I feel. “You wouldn’t be looking at me the way you are right now if you kn-knew the t-truth.”
He flinches at my words, just slightly, but calmly asks, “What truth?”
“I shouldn’t have gone to Boston that weekend to find you. If I hadn’t traveled, things could’ve been different. Maybe he would still be here with us.”
As my words register, Jackson’s eyes widen and he freezes in place, staring down at me with a look full of equal parts confusion and terror. “Who would be here with us?”
“Our baby,” I whisper, fixing my gaze on the shower beside us, too ashamed to meet his gaze. My stomach sinks to the floor and my heart shatters all over again when I hear Jax’s whimpered cry.
“No,” he rasps, completely heartbroken, sounding every bit as pained as I imagined he would all those years ago.
It’s one single word, but that’s all it takes to break me forever.
“No,” Jackson begs, dropping to his knees before me. When he rests his forehead against my lower stomach, I can’t hold back the agonizing shriek of sadness that escapes.
I tell myself I’ve had nearly ten years to grieve—that I’ve got to be strong for him. It’s my time to be his rock, but I can’t. I’m breaking right alongside him. Only my mind is trapped back in that Boston hospital room again, hearing the news that my incompetent cervix is the cause of my sweet little one’s early arrival to heaven.
Taking a deep breath, I try to muster up the courage to speak. “When I saw Cadence today, I already knew who she was. I knew McKenna had her during her freshman year of college.” I pause, remembering when I heard she had a baby, I spiraled on the road, using alcohol as my only escape. Her baby lived and mine died because my body was too weak to keep him alive.Hiccupping back a sob, I continue. “Seeing her today—knowing our baby would’ve been the same age as her—it brought me right back to the worst day of my life.”
The moment my fingers lace through Jackson’s hair to anchor myself, it’s as if he’s momentarily thrust from his despair. Almost robotically, he grabs an ice cube from the cup on the counter and places it against my stomach. When he pinches the skin with silent tears streaming down his face, I turn away with a mirrored look of anguish as he administers my second shot.
I can’t do this right now—not here, in the house he built for us, while the love of my life finds out about our shared tragedy for the first time. Almost as if he’s heard my thoughts, Jax stands abruptly, apologizing before he excuses himself.
“Jax!” I call after him.
My feet move after him before I’ve even realized what I’m doing as I mindlessly follow him down the hall to the front door that he promptly slams behind him.
I halt in the hallway and take in the silence of the house that suddenly feels too large with rooms my body will never allow me to fill—not then and not now.
He said he wasn’t going anywhere earlier, but I should’ve known better.
Why would anyone want to stay with me?
I’m a failure down to the very marrow of my being.
And now that Jackson knows that ugly truth, he could never truly love me again.
22
Now
Miscarriage.
The word has continued to ring in my ears since I got the hell out of my house, leaving Taevin alone like an inconsiderate, selfish prick to go to the nearest bar.
