Jamie, Nate and Ellis kissed me like I'd been theirs for an eternity. There was no hesitation or side eyes as I embraced each of them separately and together. It was everything I had hoped for. Leaving what we've built for six days felt like I was ripping my heart out and throwing it through the sunroof.
What good is the beating organ if it doesn't work properly without them, you know?
Alas, my heart stays in my chest because I am still an independent woman who is working on loving herself. That's what I had to tell myself an hour into my drive. Since then, I've been determined to get my work done, enjoy nature, and maybe head back a day early to surprise them.
I've promised to check in with them at every stop,and every other time I can. Having a big family and a lot of family friends back in Chicago means I'm used to the demand.
I considered just putting Jamie, Nate, and Ellis in my family group chat so I don't have to send multiple messages, but I don't think any of us are ready for that can of worms. Yet.
Feeling incredibly positive and hopeful about life and relationships for the first time in seven years has made this work trip feel different. I've caught myself wishing I had them with me to make memories with.
Of course the fresh air and alone time are great for self-care, but damn it, I miss them.
I thought leaving would be the hardest part, but I'm living through the worst right now. Standing in front of the most stunning view I have ever seen, I realizethisis the hardest part. The picture I took on my phone and tried to send to our group chat failed. No service. It's a bummer that I can't connect with them at all right now, but maybe this time I'll share my good images with them.
I want them here with me so much my eyes begin to well with tears. Honestly, I'm not entirely sure where I am, but it has become a monumental marker.
This is the spot where I realize I'm madly, truly, deeply in love with three men. Two from my past who let me get away, and a new one who chipped away at the walls around my heart for far too long to be normal. Jamie's patience and care opened me up to the relationship I lost years ago.
"I love them," I whisper into the early morning glowof sunshine. My breath puffs into the chilly air around me, and I curl into my jacket a little more while wishing it was their arms.
A slight breeze teases my neck, and if I close my eyes, I can imagine it's Nate's beard when he comes up behind me for a cuddle. Or to whisper dirty things in my ear.
Inhaling the scent of pine and waterfall with my eyes closed, I sink into the idea that Jamie and Ellis are standing close by. Maybe making out because why not.
I'm kinky like that I guess.
My eyes snap open at the sound of rocks crashing onto the water's surface near the waterfall. Rushing forward to snap the perfect photo of the splash, I become my own avalanche.
Feet twisting together, I stumble with a terrified screech. My momentum makes it easy for me to lunge for my camera after I've caught myself on my hands and knees. Except, I didn't realize I would be risking myself until I'm tumbling right over the dirt-covered edge of the steep incline.
"AHH!" I scream, grappling for trees and prickly bushes, not caring for a second how much it hurts when they rip my skin off. Over and over again I'm slapped across the face by branches while getting the wind knocked out of me by logs and rocks.
"STOP!" Screeching, I wrap my arms around my head as I feel something crack in my side. The only sense I have is to protect my head, the thing I should have used once I saw my camera go flying over the edge.
Stupid stupid stupid.
Somersaulting and rolling through dirt and dead trees has stolen the breath from my lungs. It’s jarred me so deeply I don't even realize I've stopped in a puddle of freezing mud until the chill nips at me through my jacket.
"Fuck," I groan, voice hoarse from my screams. I really don't want to try to sit up, but I've taken enough survival courses to know I need to get out of the cold puddle and figure out where to go from here. I'm afraid to take stock of my injuries, though I know I should.
Time is of the essence in situations like this.
Just like proper gear. Hissing and wincing, I roll over and slowly push myself into a sitting position.
"Yes," I breathe in relief once I notice my hiking-approved fanny pack is still intact. For shits and giggles, I pull my phone out and cringe at the crack in the screen. Thankfully, it still turns on. Unfortunately, I wasn't lucky enough to land in a spot with service.
"Okay. Alright." My eyes burn, and my cheeks are itchy and wet with my tears. Hell, my voice barely even works. It's wobblier than I've ever heard it, but I'm doing my best to psych myself up for the trek ahead of me. "I can do this."
NOPE.
My ankle protests so vehemently that I collapse back to the ground when I finally work myself up to stand. "Oh god. This isn't good. It's not good."
Step one, make sure I'm not bleeding and no bones are protruding.
Done. No bones. A lot of trickles of blood from cutson my hand and my face is definitely not good, but I'm not bleeding out.
Step two, figure out where I am.
