I'm sure she does feel guilty, which is what we wanted. Ellis and I were planning alifewith that woman. And she ripped our hearts out. She should feel fucking bad.
But how Ellis is reacting sets me on edge. This might be one of those times I take a more dominant approach with him. He needs some guidance and for me tonarrow his path a bit because I'm not comfortable doing more ofthis.
Silence wraps around us. Our living room hasn't felt this cold since we moved in a few months ago.
There's another part of this situation that's weighing on us. I need to get him thinking about more than his anger and need to defend our actions. "What about Jamie? He's loyal to her. And we...we what? Do you want to continue this thing with him?"
"Do you?" Ellis asks me, eyes boring into mine. Challenging and making me sit up straighter.
If he wants to push, so will I. "You like him, and so do I, but this is so complicated, Ellis. What we did?—"
Ellis shakes his head, cutting me off. "They can't know."
"They?" I raise a brow knowing he means Violet and Jamie. He's already protecting her feelings and doesn't even realize it. "Seeing Violet stirred up old feelings for me too."
"Damn it!" Ellis explodes and leaps from the couch to pace. "I'm so fucking angry with her, though! She abandoned our future, Nate!"
"I know, Ell." Watching him closely, I note the tension in his shoulders and give him the space he needs to vent. Better at me than at her.
"Threw us away like we were nothing! Violet was our everything. We clearly didn't matter much to her if she could just turn her back on us without a word!"
Our drive home was silent, so I was expecting a big blowup from my partner. His emotions run so deep inevery aspect of his life. Which is one reason he's hesitating to reenter the medical field.
Ellis cares with every atom in his body, so this reaction he's having is a result of his own trauma of losing the woman he loved. I'm the calmer, dominant one of the two of us, which allows him the space to express his heightened emotions when they push against his sanity. I won't allow him to lose himself to his trauma though.
"We shouldn't feel bad for getting back at her! And we were never supposed to actually like Jamie. Fuck. FUCK!"
Ellis' wild eyes tell me he's had enough. "Enough," I interject as I stand. "We fucked up. But the repercussions might be good. It could all be fine. If we want to make up with Violet, we can. If we want to actually try for something with Jamie, we can."
"They would never forgive us," Ellis says brokenly. "We have to keep it a secret."
Bile burns my throat, but I fight the reaction down. "Ellis, I don't know. Wouldn't it be better to tell them?"
Ellis rolls his eyes and steps away from me in agitation. "Sure, let me think. Hey Violet. We saw you at a coffee shop a few weeks ago with Jamie. Then when we saw him at a bar, we drunkenly decided it would be fun to get some payback by luring the hot guy you're clearly with into our bed."
I grind my teeth while Ellis mock laughs as if this is funny. He continues his tirade. "We didn't think he'd actually go for it, but he did, and damn revenge tastedgood."
"Son of a bitch, Ellis, stop. This isn't productive."
"But it's the truth!" he bellows at me, and my palm itches to spank his ass. "And one we must take to the grave if we want to be in any kind of relationship with them."
"But—"
Ellis swings a hand through the air as if physically cutting my words off. "We. Can. Not. Right now we have the upper hand, as we should. Violet needs to apologize and make up for all the hurt she's caused. If she finds out about our reasoning for entering Jamie's life, we lose our position."
"This isn't a fucking war, Ellis!" Anger simmers below the surface the longer he continues talking. Ellis is ready to fight his corner, and I don't think I'll be able to convince him my ideas are better.
"Yes it is! She hurt us way more than us fucking around with Jamie. It wasn't as bad. Right? It couldn't have been. And it doesn't matter because we actually care about him now.Please," he begs, eyes wild and watery. "Sheleftus. We can keep this one secret. We're owed a mistake."
My throat closes over as emotion strangles me. Fuck, I must be strong, but this is so much to deal with. Not to mention my protective side is screaming at me to go back over there and make sure she's okay. Violet was hurt tonight by a goddamn stranger, and here we are saying she deserves the hurtwe'vecaused too? This is so fucked up. I just want to hold her and ice her hip.
I squeeze my eyes shut and shake my head. "What if they find out and we've built something amazing with them?"
"They won't because if something actually comes from us spending time with them, then they will see how real our feelings are. We won't fake shit. Hell, we couldn't fake it with Jamie when we met him."
The desperation pouring off of him tells me there's no way I'll win this battle tonight. Maybe he will change his mind soon, and I kind of hope he does. I have no idea how long I can hold on to this.
We aren't malicious men. We're hurt, and we did something for reasons we shouldn't have.
