I understand; I really do. Saying things out loud makes them very real.
Internally I laugh, realizing I'm going to have to push her to talk about Jamie. "Have you forgotten a man answered your phone a few days ago? Violet, I'm trying to get you to admit all on your own that this guy is important."
"Jamie is not important. He's just a fuck buddy. The only one I have, but still. We don't even talk. I make sure of it."
Oof. Poor guy has his work cut out for him.
Without any hesitation, I scold her. "Don't bullshit me. You've never come home unannounced. Tell me what happened after I talked to Jamie."
I'm done letting her brush shit under the rug. I've been supportive and loving, but maybe I should havebeen a little harder on my kid. The early twenties are so important, though.Fuck. Parenting never gets easier.
Shoving away from the coffee table on the floor, Violet stands and begins pacing around the room. My heart aches and pounds in my chest, but I don't let her see the worry raging through my bones.
I've watched her bubbles pop while chewing on my nails, hoping like hell she'll figure herself out with time. Truth is, I miss my bubbly girl so fucking much. I miss the way her hair would flip and bounce as she'd skip through our apartment. Even at eighteen years old, Violet had a childlike happiness that was infectious.
She was always dancing and creating videos for her social media, but that was the beginning of our downfall. Violet was being harassed by someone who ended up being a man from her biological mom's past. Not ten minutes after Violet opened up about the creepy accounts messaging her, Clarence kidnapped me and held me captive for the better part of a week.
Violet has yet to forgive herself for the choices she made. Yes, she should have told me sooner. No, she isnotthe reason Clarence came after me. He was a monster who set his sights on me when I was a teenager. It's a good ass thing he's deep in the fucking ground.
Right along with Violet's abusive biological mother who died three years ago. Drugs. Rest in peace, bitch. I still can't believe I survived growing up with Linda. Violet was my bright light that kept me in her orbit just as I was preparing to flee Linda's life when I was eighteen. I stayed for Violet and I wouldn't change a thing.Shielding her from Linda and her long line of men was my greatest accomplishment.
Violet's quietly muttering to herself as she stomps around. I let her work through her feelings since it seems like she's overwhelmed.
I'm not the greatest person for her to talk to about her feelings, but I can help her work through them. What comes out of her mouth forces me to take a deep fucking breath.
"He told me to get over what happened." Violet throws her hands in the air. "Who says that?! He said I'm hanging onto it, and all my boundaries are getting in the way of my happiness, or something."
Well...
"It's not like I don't know that! I hate it. I hate the person I've become, but it's better this way. Right?"
Shit. She turns to me when she asks that.
I've spent my fair share talking to therapists, so IthinkI know what to say. "Do you think it's better this way?"
Violet doesn't skip a beat, and I'm honestly surprised by the sheer epiphanies occurring before my eyes. "NO! It's not fucking better this way. I'm lonely and always questioning myself. I have a notebook at home where I write down all the lies my anxiety tells me every day, and half the time I'm not even sure if they are lies."
I feel the tears building and my chest tightening, but I hold them back and nod along with V even though she's not looking at me anymore. Witnessing her breakdown,or maybe it's a breakthrough, is epic and so damn heartbreaking.
"How can you tell which are the lies?" I ask, genuinely curious and wanting to get her thinking about it from a different perspective.
She stops pacing and stares down at her feet. Nibbling on her lip, Violet thinks through my question which I'm proud of her for. It's easy to snap out anI don't know, but it's clear Violet wants to work through this rut she's found herself in.
"I-It's embarrassing, but I ask myself if Cassidy or Jamie would agree with the statement. You and the guys are too biased to be pinned up against my mean thoughts."
I hum, thinking about my next question. "It sounds like you're doing a lot of hard work to find yourself again. I'm wondering if sifting through all your thoughts and feelings would be easier if you asked yourself questions."
She frowns and says, "Like what?"
"Like, what makes you happy?Notwhat should or used to, but what makes you happy today. Andwhydo you keep going back to Jamie? Why is he the only guy you've been seeing? If you were to talk to him, what are the things you would want to know before deciding to spend more time with him? The only way you'll learn to trust yourself again is by asking questions and talking to other people."
Violet sucks in a breath and turns to me with wide eyes. I'm not sure what I said that stunned her, but I lean forward and take her hand in mine. "I love you somuch, Violet. A long time ago, someone special told me that having confidence in the ones we love is enough and oftentimes the only way we can really help them."
Staring down at me, my kid cries silently, but she's listening intently.God, I love her so much. This position reminds me of all the times I crouched down while she sobbed about her skinned knee or sad feelings.
A tear slips free from my eye now as I look right into her soul. "If there isanyonein the world that I believe can handle this shift with heart and realness, it's you, V."
We're both crying openly now, and I swear the love that I have for her quadruples for the millionth time since I met her when she was seven. Violet may be my cousin by blood, but she is my daughter through hardship, experience, and love.
