Blair
Her words left me unable to move. That was so much more than I’d expected. There was no greater ache than words left unsaid, and while she’d spoken her truth, mine now burned a hole in my heart, potentially forever. How had I ever thought it was a good idea to leave myself so powerless? With no way to contact her.
I didn’t trust myself. That’s why.
I opened my camera roll to look at the photos I’d taken of her in the sun. The moment I saw her again, I began to cry. I realized, perhaps for the firsttime, that I loved her, too. That feeling I’d told myself I’d never felt for a woman before? That waslove. That’s why it had felt so new and indescribable. It transcended explanation and certainly transcended age and logic. At thirty-six years old, I had never been in love until Blair.
I resolved to channel that love into something positive. To be grateful for the experience and allow it to make me a better person, too.
I’d start by working on my relationship with Taylor. But that couldn’t happen until I worked on myself. Maybe I’d finally go to therapy and get some real help for my PTSD. Until I believed in myself, I wouldn’t be capable of much.
If I could’ve written down my thoughts, I would’ve told Blair I hadn’t felt capable of any of those things until I met her. Were it not for the renewed energy she’d given me, the love she’d showed me, I might never have been ready to move forward.
That should’ve gone in a letter to her. Maybe I’d still write it someday, even if just to get the emotions out on paper. But for today, I’d mourn the end of a beautiful but short chapter in my life.
I had about an hour before I had to head to the airport myself, and I knew I’d be a ball of fucking mush until then. I couldn’t stop thinking about her, how she hadn’t even had breakfast before she left. I hoped she found something good at the airport. I hoped her stomach wasn’t as upset as mine and she could actually eat it. I hoped she wasn’t still crying.
I hoped she had a fucking amazing life.
Chapter 16
BLAIR
The flight home was uneventful. Well, aside from the storm of emotions battering my heart.
I’d spent the entire plane ride staring at the photos of Tate, torturing myself. I wasn’t sure how I was supposed to get over him. But today had to be day one of trying.
I realized getting over him and forgetting him were two different things, though. I’d never be able toforgethim. I didn’t want to. I just needed a way to live without him, to try not to see him every time I closed my eyes at night. I needed to move beyond how amazing it felt to have him inside of me so I could someday allow someone else in—both literally and figuratively. I couldn’t imagine anyone measuring up. So maybe another thing I’d have to practice was accepting second best.
I wondered whether Tate had read my letter. I couldn’t even remember everything I’d written, just that it had been a purge of my thoughts in the middle of the night. I hoped he wouldn’t be shocked when I professed my love. I’d given him my rawest thoughts and taken therisk that he’d accept and cherish them. What was the harm in telling him how I truly felt? It wasn’t like my thoughts could cause him to run away. The worst had already happened in that regard.
Back in Massachusetts, my phone rang as I stood waiting at the train platform. My heart leaped, but then I remembered he didn’t have my number.Why the hell didn’t I just give it to him?
At least I had his.
This was Taylor calling.
“Hey,” I said in greeting.
“Hey, you,” he replied. “How are you doing? You disappeared. I was expecting more updates during the trip. You must be home by now, right?”
“Yeah.” I scratched my head. “Um…”
I wasn’t sure whether to tell him about Tate. I wondered if it might be better to keep the experience to myself. I didn’t want anyone tainting it, trying to convince me that Tate had taken advantage of me. I knew that wasn’t true.
“I ended up staying an extra day, so I’m only just now back in Mass.”
“Really? I wondered what happened because you slipped off the radar. You weren’t online or anything. What made you decide to do that?”
“Wasn’t ready to come back to reality. Don’t worry.” I cleared my throat. “I paid for it,” I lied. “It wasn’t on your dime. Since you were gracious enough to gift me the week, I could afford to add one extra night.”
I hated lying to him, but I wasn’t sure he’d understand why I’d let “some guy” pay for another night.
“Well, I wish you had told me. An extra night would’ve been no skin off my back.”
“No.” I shook my head. “I’ve had enough nepotism. You did too much for me already.”
“Well, I’m happy to hear you had a good time. I knew you’d like the resort.”
