“You’re not fine! Let me go find the first-aid kit.” At the sound of his hurried steps leaving, I spiraled further. The one person I needed had left, leaving me alone with someone who would only cause those thoughts to darken further.
“I-I’m sorry. I didn’t mean…” Matthew bit his lip, his gaze flicking to the ground.
“I said I’m fine,Matthew,” I practically snarled. Driving my thumb into the wound, out of desperation to keep myself grounded, a hissed whimper escaped me. “Not like you ever bothered to check up on me, even when you knew I wasn’t.”
“I know. I’m sorry.” The crack in his tone as he said those words lingered, but the pain, the abandonment, thehurt? It remained.
“I don’t need your apologies. You made your decision that day when you turned your back on me and never bothered glancing over your shoulder.” Nearing the inability to breathe, I stepped away from the sink, attempting to stifle the blood flow with my other hand. My booted footsteps roared through the space, my shoulder colliding with his as I rushed for the back door. “Let Oren know I’m outside.”
But it wasn’t Oren who followed.
“I wanted to apologize. For… For that day in the hospital. I froze, because I’d fucking screwed up. I hurt you, and I was scared to confront you. I… I don’t deserve your forgiveness, but?—”
Just as soon as my legs passed the threshold, I pivoted. Driving my hands into his chest, I shoved him harshly, the words tumbling from me before I could stop them. “Youwere scared? God, for one fucking minute, can you think about anyone but yourself, Matthew?! I was on thebrinkof pulling the plug on the life of the man I loved. And when he woke up? When he was breathing again? That fear? That uncertainty? I couldn’t stomach it, couldn’t bear the fucking thought of putting him at risk again. And all I needed, all I wasbegging for,was for someone to hold me and tell me that I wasn’t a walking virus. That I wasn’t this monstrous creature General Valens carved me into. God! I was beggingfor youtosee me!”
“That… That came out wrong.” He swallowed, keeping his eyes downcast. “You were, and I didn’t listen. I wasn’t there when you needed me, and I’m sorry. I’m… I’m so fucking sorry. I just… I just wanted to apologize to you. You… You didn’t make a mistake. I did. I made a shit ton those last few months, and my fucking choices got you hurt.”
Scoffing a laugh, I nodded. “Yeah. Yeah, you fucking did. Because younevervalued me as a friend.”
“I only ever wanted to protect?—”
“Protect me? Protectme?” Gliding my fingers across my scalp, I gripped my hair with a violent tug. “You’re fuckingjoking,right?”
“I thought… I thought I was, but I was wrong. God, I was wrong, and it’s my mistake. My fault, not yours, Thorne. I… I put everyone in danger, Oren included. It was my fault he got shot because of that plan… My idea that Oren believed would work, and when I saw him in that hospital bed… I froze?—”
“Like the fuckingcowardyou are,” I spat, closing the gap between us. My finger drove into his sternum with enough force to bruise. “And had it been me who took that bullet? I bet you would’vecelebrated.Would’ve beenrelievedthat the stain of my existence was finally wiped clean from your life. Because why wouldn’t you have been? You happily let me go, Matthew. Didn’t bother to call me or reach out after that day. So yeah, appreciate the apology, but you can go fuck yourself.”
Matthew let out a cry, tears brewing on his lashes. “Iama coward. I’m a worthless, pathetic excuse of a friend who hurt you?—”
“If you’re looking for sympathy? Empathy?” My lips curled into a sneer as my glare narrowed. “You won’t fucking get it from me. You bled me dry of every ounce I’d ever carried the dayyoulet me walk out of that room. I don’t give a fuck how you view yourself, just as I don’t give a shit to sit and listen to your hysterics.”
A pitiful sob left his chest. “I know… I know. I did, and I’m sorry. It’s my fault, and I should’ve reached out to you. You… You don’t need to give me sympathy for what I did to you.”
“Good. Then get thefuckout of my house.”
Matthew shook his head. “I-I can’t. I left before, and it was a mistake. I won’t leave… Ican’tleave, Thorne.”
Charging toward him, my knuckles collided with his chest, the shove forceful enough to send him back into the kitchen. Without wasting another breath, I continued my rhythm, driving into him over and over as I pushed him toward the front door.
I needed him to leave, needed him to turn his back on me again just like he’d done that day. Because if he didn’t… If he didn’t… I was going to break in front of him all over again; I was going to humiliate myself in front ofallof them again.
And Oren…
Oren had been the one who’d devised it all.
Barely registering that I was speaking, I lost count of how many times these two words tumbled out: “Get out.Get out. GET. OUT!”
He spat red, a cough billowing from his chest, but one singular motion gave me a momentary pause.
Matthew shook his head, his arms resting at his sides as the balls of his feet pressed into the ground to steady himself.
“Get. Out!” I screamed again, but this time, my demand shattered. Tears rolled forward to form on my lash line, my voice wavering. “Get out. Get out… Get out… God… Just… Get out…”
“Thorne!”Oren.
Matt held up a shaky hand. “N-No. Not like this… Not… Not when you’re begging for me to stay. I fucked up. I hurt you, but I refuse to let that mistake… mistake keep happening.”
And just like that, just as Oren—the man who I believed wished to keep me safe—had planned, I completely fell apart.
