“NO! No, the fuck I’m not done!” I screamed, lifting my arms into the air. “You’re so fucking stupid, Thorne. How can you sit there like you didn’t uproot everything we’ve tried to keep hidden? The mask is gone. Gone! My father knows I care for you now.”
“I’m not the stupid one,” he replied, lifting a brow. “You’re idiotic to believe your father ever considered your mask legitimate. Just as you’re equally idiotic for convincing yourself that I wouldn’t intervene as soon as he put his fucking hands on you in front of me.”
“I’m not the stupid one,” I mocked. “Yeah, fuck that bullshit. We had a plan, and that plan was going to make sure everyone survived. That everyone stayed safe, including you. I can handle him, Thorne. All he did was grab my hair.”
“And your fucking eyes welled with tears!” Thorne spat, kicking the table away from him. “God, are you too dense to realize that I’ve read between the lies you continue to fucking feed me? I don’t fucking understand why you continue to keep yourself soguarded. I. Saw. Your. Fear. Oren.”
“Am I that dense? Well, maybe I am for trying to protect you. You can’t seem to understand me because I’m guarded? I’m guarded to keep myself safe, and well, maybe it’s from you. Maybe it’s because I know the moment I let you in I won’t recover. I will fucking drown, and that shit is terrifying. You are fucking terrifying because you never listen!”
“If I’m that fucking unbearable, kick me from your goddamn squad.” The words came from him too easily. “If you are that determined to guard your fucking heart from me, then push me the fuck away, Oren.”
“There you go again, not fully listening to what I’m saying. I’m guarded because of you. Because you would ruin me in the worst and best ways possible, you fucking dipshit!”
“And thereyougo again, burying your truth in some beat around the bush, wraparound, annoying as fuck way!” Pushing himself up, he came to stand, towering over me. “You’re not convincing anyone; you’re just shining a light on your own insecurities.”
“Myinsecurities? You’re the one with a shit ton of them, because you can’t keep your men alive. You love tofixme, but you’ve yet to fix yourself. You refuse to think for one goddamn second, and only focus on those around you. But what if I don’t want you to get hurt? What if I want to keep you protected?”
Anguish flashed through his irises, quickly replaced by the hatred he wore the first day we met. “Protected?” he scoffed, shaking his head before running a hand down his face. “As you… God, you know what? Fuck this.”
Shoving me to the side, he stepped past me, heading toward the door.
“Going to run away instead of facing your fears? To have them labeled in front of you?” I kicked the table out of the way, following after him. “You never let anyone take care of you, and the moment someone does, you walk. You leave.”
“What can I say?” he questioned, a snarl woven between each syllable. “I learned to run from the one who’s perfected it. Mycommander.”
“Perfected it?” I swallowed, the blow taking root in my heart. My guards were always up, and even now, I wasn’t sure how to drop them. How to tell him I— “I run… I run because no one ever chases. No one ever follows, and I guess you’re no different.”
Spinning on his heel, his palms met my chest, shoving me backward. “I’m no different?I’m no different?What the fuck have I been doing then, Oren? This entire fucking time I have been theonly onewho has fucking fought for you! Who has put my life on the line regardless of the fucking circumstances! And you want to sit here and claim that I’m no fucking different? Fuck you.” A manic laugh tumbled from him as he clenched his jaw. “Fuck you for being like everyone else and telling me I’m not good enough and never will be. God. You are a fucking spoiled brat.”
“Exactly. I’m not fucking good enough. I’m not worth the risk of my father. I’m not worth saving. I should have put a bullet in my head?—”
The back of his palm collided with my face, a searing burn shooting across my cheek as the slap echoed through the room. “If you say another fucking word, you will meet a side of me I do not wish for you to experience. If you weren’t fucking good enough, if I wasn’t fucking obsessed with your essence, then I wouldn’t have pulled that gun on your father. I wouldn’t have taken your beatings to solidify your commitment to him. I wouldn’t have sat with you afteryoudestroyed the memoirs I had left of my family, comfortingyouthrough a panic attack as if you hadn’t ripped my fucking world from beneath my feet.”
“I don’t want you to do this shit for me, because you get hurt! I don’t want…” I groaned, running my hands down my face. “Fuck!”
I turned on my heels and walked over to the desk in the corner. Ripping open the drawer, I grabbed the box and papers I’d been waiting to show him. I guess now was as good a time as any.
I slapped the papers to his chest, the box cradled in my hand. “For you,” I spat. Lifting the top of the box, the pictures I’d destroyed were neatly taped back together and with them were ink drawings, an attempt to capture their likeness with my art. “I used them as a reference.”
A long breath escaped him, his eyes locked on my hands pressed against his chest. Then, after a moment, he lifted his chin, his eyes glistening with tears. “Y-You…”
“I tried to salvage what I could, but I figured drawings would express their happiness better. I tried to copy the scenes and colors, to make it look like the photographs. I know it’s not the same, it never will be. Thorne, toss me away. Do what you need to, but all I’m trying to say is that I care for you. I don’t want you hurt because… because—” I swallowed the fear, the words I’d last uttered to my mother before she died. Words I swore killed her. “I love you, damn it. I love you, and I… I’m frightened by that statement.”
His bottom lip quivered as he pulled the drawings from me, looking through them as his tears began their free fall. “These… These are amazing… And I-I…” Before he could utter another word, his knees buckled and slammed into the ground, his face burrowing into my chest. “I’m so fucking sorry.”
“I’m sorry for not saying it earlier. For the lies, the arguments… the bitter words I’ve said out of fear.” My arms wrapped around his shoulders, tugging him closer. “Those words… Those words were the last thing I said before I went to get water for my mom. Those words killed her, as they do everyone else in my life because love is contagious. Love is a disease, and if it infects one person, it spreads to another. Nothing is more potent than the poison of love, and Thorne, I’m scared. I’m scared to lose you… to admit I feel this way about you at all. I can’t—I will not lose you.”
His shoulders trembled, his sobs rocking his frame as he clung to me as if I were the only thing in this world that he needed. Digging his fingers into the fabric of my uniform, he refused to let go, his body shaking with the fear I knew his heart harbored—a fear the two of us seemed to share. As his hands swept across my hips and up my back, he shook his head, the five words coming from him broken, but carrying a vow I knew he meant with every ounce of his soul. “You willneverlose me.”
“Never?” Tears formed in my eyes, mirroring the expression on his face. “Don’t make promises you can’t keep, Thorne,” I whispered. “There is nothing else I want?—”
Pulling back just enough, he wrapped his fingers around the chain adorning his neck. With one yank, he ripped it from its place, extending it toward me. “I am yours. My life. My essence. My soul. You are the reason my heart continues to beat, and why I elect to keep going in this godforsaken world. And because of that,” he placed the cold metal in my hands, two dog tags settling into my palm, “I want to give you the only pieces of me that I have left. The two pieces that contain my only definitive mark on this world.”
I curled my fingers around them, drawing the dog tags to my chest. “And I am yours, Thorne. I have been for a while, maybe since the incident in the bathroom. My heart beats for you, for your soul. When you’re not near, I panic. When you get hurt, I break. When you sacrifice yourself for me, there’s an unyielding ache in my chest I can’t diminish. I have never loved anyone as much as I do you, but I have also never hurt someone as much as you. I’m a hypocrite disguised as a coward, and the only reason I stopped running is because of you. Because there was finally someone to turn toward.”
“You are neither a hypocrite nor a coward.” Pulling my empty hand toward him, he flattened my palm against his cheek, leaning into my touch. “With love, there is bound to be heartache, because they balance one another out. The difference is, it’s never intentional. The pain you believe you cause always comes from a place of fear; fear of not being good enough, fear of loss, fear of opening up, fear of being yourself. None of that is wrong.Youare not wrong for simply existing with the flaws, imperfections, and mistakes that you carry. You are fucking human, and that’s the beauty of it all. And there is no other human I would rather lay my life on the line for than you. You are imperfectly perfect for me, Oren Valens, and that’s all I could ever ask for in this life.”
The last shred of resolve dissipated, tears cascading down my cheeks. “That’s all I want. I want… I want to be wanted, fully. With my flaws and imperfections, and you have. I have cursed your name, smeared your blood over my skin to make myself appear strong, but it was a lie. I am only strong through you, because you give me a reason to live. You bring beauty back into this world, and it transcends beyond my soul. You impact the lives of everyone around you, and I want you to know that. I want you to know how selfless you are, how important you are to me, and how much I need you.” A shaky breath escaped. “I have never loved someone this much. Never loved someone to the point I feel like I’m going mad, that when you leave I crumble. How does one person inflict so much damage, and yet, repair so much at the same time?”
