It should be me reassuring him, and yet, just holding him in my arms is soothing away the panic and fury and fear that had been boiling through me seconds ago. Except, I have to know— “Did he hurt you?”
His body trembles slightly on his exhaled breath. My own breath catches, burning in my chest, until he shakes his head. “Nah. Not really. Just a couple bruises. My face, and he kinda twisted my wrist when I tried to get away from him.”
A flash of icy-hot rage bursts through me.Justthat?
“Jesus Christ, Tris,” I close my eyes, breathing out slowly, trying to get a grip on myself. “Let me see your wrist?”
“It doesn’t hurt anymore. Not really,” he hedges as he reluctantly unlinks his hand from around the back of my neck to show me his wrist. It’s slightly swollen, ringed in red, with distinct marks of fingers just visible along the underside when I gently turn it over. “Everything moves just fine, see?”
“I should have pushed him down the fucking stairs.”
“Shh, Sunshine.” He tugs his hand out of my loose grip and reaches up to cup the side of my jaw.
The soft stroke of his fingers over the rasp of stubble on my skin does what nothing else could, soothing the edges of the white-hot rage that’s threatening to choke me.
“It’s okay,” he whispers. “I’m okay. It could have been way worse.”
Of fucking course it could have been way worse.
My stomach lurches, and I don’t know what’s tearing me up more; to hear Tris dismiss what happened like that or to think about how true what he’s just said is.
“He said he’d come to bring me back to Tucson.” A shudder runs through his body, and his voice falters. Against my chest, I can feel his breathing picking up. “Like he actually thought he was doing me this big fucking favor, you know? Said he’d let me make everything up to him, and then he grabbed me and—”
My arms tighten convulsively around him.
“You know what I did, sunshine?” He lets out a shaky, brittle laugh. “I kneed the fucker right in the junk. Hard as I could, and it felt…it felt fucking fantastic. And then he just—Jesse, he just let me go. It was just so fucking easy, except I didn’t know he would—” A hysterical laugh shakes him, turning into what sounds like a sob as he drops his forehead against my shoulder again.
“Oh my god,” he gasps, tangling his hands in my sweater like he’s trying to hold me here with him. Like he doesn’t know that nothing in the world would make me let go of him.
“Oh my fucking god, Jesse. I’ve never— Fuck— I— How the fuck did I…” He cuts off with a choked sound, shaking his head against me.
His breathing is choppy and too quick against my chest, and he’s shaking so hard I can feel it vibrating through me. I don’t know what to do besides just hold him. Run my fingers through his hair. Give him this space to fall apart with the knowledge that he’s not alone.
I want him to know— “You’re safe, Tris. I promise.”
He nods against my shoulder, and another hysterical laugh bursts through his ragged breathing. “I know.” His arms tighten around me. “I know I am now. I just can’t believe Ifucking did that.”
“You’re amazing,” I whisper, nuzzling against his hair.
“Am I though?” Even with his face hidden, I can feel the way his eyebrows draw together. “’Cause there’s this part of me that feels so stupid, Jesse. I spent all that time,two fucking years, afraid of him. Letting him do whatever the fuck he wanted to me, say whatever the fuck he wanted. Letting him make me think whatever the fuck he wanted me to think. And then in the end, it was just so damn easy.”
“I don’t think it was easy, Tris. I think it was brave and brilliant, just like you are. Like everything you’ve done, all your life, in spite of hownot easyit’s been.”
“I just wish,” his breath hitches and shakes. “I wish I’d stood up to him before, you know?”
“And I wish you’d never had to.” I smooth my hands down his back, squeezing my eyes shut and swallowing hard against the ache of how very much I mean those words. “None of it changes the truth though. Youareamazing.”
With a soft sigh, his body relaxes into me. He’s still shaking, but his breathing is smoother now. A little slower.
The quieting of his body calms me too, bringing me back to myself.
When I press a kiss to the top of his head, he pulls back, just enough to meet my eyes. My throat squeezes painfully tight at the sight of the faint purple of the fresh bruise that’s starting to bloom under the red stain across his cheek, and the fingers I can’t help brushing over the spot tremble. “I’m just so sorry I wasn’t here.”
“It wasn’t ‘cause you didn’t care,” he shakes his head as he slips his arms back around my neck, and for the first time tonight, a real smile spreads across his face. “And you’re here now. You love me.”
51
Jesse
