He makes it sound so simple. Date the two of them, speak to them about dates, and everything will work out fine. There’s a huge issue that they’ve not covered, though, which was the catalyst for me ending our ‘relationship’ last time.
“What about…” I clear my throat, “intimate moments? How would that work? You want to date me together. Does that mean you tally who I’ve fucked to make sure everything is even?” My frustration over the situation is finally coming out as I narrow my eyes at the two of them.
Bear raises his eyebrows at my change of attitude, but simply shrugs his shoulders. “It wouldn’t be the first time I’ve had a threesome.”
Well, I wasn’t expecting that response.
A threesome. That’s how they want to get over that issue, literally sharing me, my body, my pleasure. I am not a vessel for them to use, and even the idea should make me furious. Except, it doesn’t, and instead I find myself… turned on? Reluctantly, I can see that the idea makes sense, but that doesn’t eradicate jealously completely. Shifting my gaze to Clay, I can see his eagerness, and I know that it’s not for sex, but for me to agree to be theirs. He seems open to the idea of sharing, but I worry that he's agreeing now out of desperation and will regret the decision later.
Bear seems to realise that he’s dropped a bombshell that hasn’t necessarily helped the situation and he sighs loudly, running a hand through his hair. “Look, this will take a lot of figuring out, but our feelings for you are true and this week has been hell without having you in it.”
“Tell her the star thing you told me,” Clay instructs encouragingly, quickly glancing up at his friend, nudging him in the side with his elbow. He genuinely seems excited by the prospect, as though this is going to be the thing that seals the deal between us.
Bear looks both simultaneously annoyed and amused at the same time, frowning at his closest friend.
Just seeing the interaction between them brings a smile to my face, even though that’s the last thing I should do right now. They always have a way of cheering me up. I leave it a few seconds to see if Bear is going to explain, but I can see he is still contemplating whether to tell me or not.
“Star thing?” A mixture of confusion and amusement makes my eyebrow lift. With Bear so reluctant, it makes me want to know all the more.
He huffs out a sigh, reluctant amusement written across his face. “I made a comparison between you and the constellations.”
There’s more behind what he’s saying, yet I can tell he isn’t going to say any more about it. Pausing to take in what he said, I feel amusement bubble up inside me once more. Placing hands on my hips, I cock my brow. “You compared me to a giant ball of gas billions of lightyears away?” Somehow, I manage to keep my voice even, despite the fact that I’m joking. It is fairly clear that I am not being serious, and of course I’m not upset. However, the two of them share a look of mild horror.
“I–” Bear splutters, wanting to believe that I’m joking, but not quite convincing himself that I am. Chuckling, he reaches up and rubs the back of his neck. “You’re making me flustered.” Taking a deep breath, he rolls his shoulders back and tries again. “I love you, Holly. We both do.” He gestures to Clay. “And it’s tearing us apart.”
I should be over the moon by what he is saying. Surely it is every girl’s dream to have a handsome, kind man begging you to love him back, let alone two of them. Then why am I filled with so much fear? No relationship is certain and there will always be faults; we are human after all. They say all of the right things, and I so desperately want them to be true. Yet, there is something inside me that is whispering that this will never work. Not because of them, but because of me.
I can feel all of my insecurities and past pain rising to the surface, clawing my chest and tightening around my lungs. Breathing feels harder than usual, and my eyes sting with unshed tears.
“Why me?”
The words are quiet and broken, much like how I feel, as I stand opposite the two guys who want to love me. Why is allowing them in so much harder than it was ending the relationship last week?
“What do you mean?” Clay frowns, looking about ready to ignore Bear’s restraining arm and sweep me into his embrace.
“Either one of you could have your pick of ladies in this town, yet both of you say you want me?” To me, this makes no sense and I expect them to understand where I’m coming from, but confusion mars their expressions. In fact, I am sure I can see anger flashing in Bear’s eyes. Now that I have started, though, I find that I can’t stop.
“I am so desperate for this to work, but what if it doesn’t?” I question, a hitch in my voice. “I want to besomebodyto someone. That one special person who lights up another’s life, but I’m damaged and hurt, and don’t know if I’ll survive a break-up like this again.” Tears roll down my cheeks. I no longer try to hide them as the truth pours out of me.
I don’twantto be lonely forever; Iwantto allow myself to fall in love with Clay and Bear and accept these feeling that are building in me. However, staying single is safe. Isn’t it better to be lonely but sane than experience a whirlwind romance, get hurt and spend the rest of my life broken?
Everyone around me seems to fall in love so easily. Why does it have to be so different for me? Am I the issue? There has always been a part of me that has never felt good enough, and my past relationship only confirmed that. I got it so colossally wrong before with Jake, and I thought he was my one and only. To take a relationship like this forward, I have to be sure in myself. How is that possible given my past? How do I ignore the voice in my head telling me I don’t deserve this? While I feel so close to Clay and Bear, and our connection so much closer than anythingI have ever experienced before, I have been let down by myself before. What’s to say that won’t happen again?
I am terrified of the strength of my feelings. Clay and Bear are like fresh air, filling my lungs and energising me in a way I hadn’t thought possible. What they’re saying is offering me everything I’ve ever wanted, but it brings with it danger. Standing on the cliff edge of our romance, I have to make a choice. Do I choose to trust them and leap from the cliff to be caught in their arms, or do I take the safe option and step back, away from the exhilaration and promise of hope? If I take that leap, I could fall and be hurt worse than I ever have before.
However, what if they were to catch me?
‘Listen to your heart’, that’s what they say in all of the self-help books and romantic songs. You’ll know deep down when you find the person you are supposed to be with. Your heart will never let you down. Although, mine has let me down in the past. This feels different, but can I trust myself?
Suddenly, I’m surrounded by warmth, and the comforting scent of Bear fills my lungs. I’m pressed against his chest, and half a second later, Clay joins us, pressing himself against my back. There are no words to describe how it feels to be cocooned within them, the safety and instant sense of being home helping to settle me, grounding me. I take a shuddering breath, my tears soaking the front of Bear’s T-shirt, but I know that he doesn’t care, his hand threading into my hair and supporting the back of my head. Clay is moulded to me, as though we are one person. He holds me so tightly, as though his touch alone could stop me from falling apart. He might be right.
“You want to know why we’re drawn to you so much?” Bear’s words are muffled from where he speaks against my hair, but that doesn’t hide the emotion in his voice. “I can’t speak for Clay, but you soothe something inside me and make me want to be a better man. You give so much of yourself to others, yet you don’tsee how amazing you are.” He pulls back enough to look at me, his hand cupping my cheek. His eyes shimmer and I can hear his sincerity. Every word that leaves his mouth is full of truth. I can feel something in my chest healing in his presence. It’s gradual, but I want this so bad. Bear seems to be experiencing something similar, and slowly, he leans down until his lips brush over mine. It’s whisper soft, giving me a chance to pull away if this is not what I want. A whimper escapes me, not sadness, but desperate relief. My tears have mostly dried up, but when another rolls from the corner of my eye, it lands on his cheek.
Pulling back from our kiss, he catches the remainder of the tear on his finger, drying my face with his thumb. “I have never met someone so kind-hearted, hard-working and loving. Whatever bastard let you believe you weren’t worthy of love should rot in hell.”
“Bear is right,” Clay’s voice is deep behind me, and with his hand on my waist, he guides me around so I’m facing him, Bear at my back. “Letusin, Holly. No part of you is too much, or not enough. You are perfect for us, and we want to show you what real love should look like.”
These words are all I’ve ever wanted to hear, and I can’t quite believe that I’m actually hearing them now.
