“Oh, for fuck's sake! When has that ever worked for you? You don't tell someone to calm down. That just makes them angrier. So, fucker, listen up. I've got a lot. I'm thankful for all of it. I'm so fucking grateful for my life here and the men who love me. And I get to have more. Maybe even you.” I narrowed my eyes at him. “Maybe not, with the way you're fucking up. But whatever. Things are good. They're also fucking horrendous. I have four wraith lord lovers, but all I can think about is the Corrupter. The man I lost to Death. Still alive, but Death's nonetheless. All I can see when I wake up is Aranren's face. His beautiful eyes staring at me with love after he asked you to fucking behead him. All I can think about is how much he sacrificed to get me free. And how he's trapped now because of it. How he suffers more than anyone else. Every second of every day. And do you know how I know he suffers, Vex?”
“No,” Vex whispered.
“Because Aranren failed in one other thing—he didn't break our bond completely. He thinned it. Oh, did he weaken it. But there's still a thread holding us together. If I focus really hard, I can feel him. His love, his fear, and his despair.”
“Oh, Goddess,” Vexen whispered. “Why didn't you tell me?”
“How could I tell you that when you complain every time we're together that I'm not ready to love you? You imply it's because of him, and you know what? You're right. I'm haunted by Ara. I can't move past him. I never will. Once I give my heart, there's no taking it back. Sure, it regenerates and there's more for me to give, but it's not usually so traumatic. I've never lost someone like this.”
“I know. I understand.”
“No, you fucking don't!” I snarled. Then I tossed his words back at him, “If you understood, you wouldn't hold back from me. You'd know that I need you to get past this. That I'm fucking drowning and no one sees it. You say I have to choose. That I either focus on the good or the bad. A martyr or a hero. Well, I'm fucking trying to be a hero, Vex! But I can't do it alone. That's the point of my bonding magic.”
“Ember, I—”
“No. I don't care what you're going to say, Vex. I don't care if it's some kind of Tiger wisdom or even an apology. I don't want your words right now. I just want to leave. Don't try to stop me again.”
Vexen nodded and hung his head.
I opened the door and left, feeling strangely satisfied. I know it's fucked up, but getting that shit off my chest felt good. I got angry and then I let it out. Maybe my other lovers were right about sticking around to finish our arguments. It could get vicious, but the viciousness could lead to healing.
I glanced back at Vexen's door.
For me at least.
Chapter Four
“I'm sorry, Vexen,” Xaedren said. “He doesn't want to see you.”
Yeah, I was hiding from Vex. Back to my avoiding arguments tactic. I still felt good about getting it all off my chest, but Vex had hit deep with his words too. I was recovering. I needed time to think. And he wasn't entirely wrong. I mean, about me not being in love with him yet. All that other stuff was total crap.
It was our first fight. Maybe it was naïve of me, but I hadn't expected to fight with Vex. Not ever. Not like that. I thought we got along splendidly. I couldn't imagine what we could argue about. Well, I didn't have to imagine anymore.
“Could you give these to him?” Vexen's voice filtered into the bedroom where I was curled up beside Rath on the bed.
It had been two days—another mark against Vex. He should have tried to speak to me before then. Sure, it goes both ways, but I felt as if I were the injured party and as such, he was supposed to come to me and apologize. And he should have done it sooner.
I sighed and nestled closer to Rath. We had just made love. Talk about the timing. It meant my mood was good. I was rethinking the hiding thing. I started to get up to speak to Vex. Rath held me tighter.
“Don't,” Ratharin said. “Let him boil in it a bit longer.”
“Boil?”
“Yeah. Vexen needs to know that fucking up with you has consequences. You're special, Ember.” He bent his head and brushed his lips over mine.
For a second, I got lost in him. Ratharin was my first obsession. Not my first love, but that's only because he held back, and I got with Xae first. If Rath hadn't been scared of my mortality—of falling in love with a mortal who would one day die—we would have been together from the start. Rath was everything. Handsome like no other, with the Varraen pointed ears and lean build. His hair was long, pin-straight, and deep black. Blacker than a starless night. It made a startling contrast to his lavender-gray eyes. But what intrigued me the most about him, especially when we first met, was the scar across his left cheek.
Immortals don't scar. There's only one exception—childhood. The body is still growing, so although they are immortal, their healing isn't the same as an adult's. If it were, they'd never become adults. The thing is; magic can remove scars. Varraens possessed that magic. They were the only race that had ties to all four of the basic elements (not including Spirit). But Rath had gotten his scar during a Corrupted attack when he was a kid. He kept it to remind himself of why he's a wraith lord.
I loved that scar. It was the most beautiful part of Ratharin. Not just physically, but because it was a window into his soul. That scar said so much about the man I loved. I turned my head to kiss it as he withdrew. Rath lifted his brows at me.
“I love you,” I said. “Every part of you.”
“I love you too. Which is why I'm telling you to let Vexen boil. He's a good guy, but I don't like what he said to you.”
Yeah, I told Rath. I told all my lovers what had happened on my date with Vex. I had learned to be as open with them as possible when I started a new relationship. They had to feel included in the process. And none of them liked Vexen admonishing me for defending us.
Xaedren's response had been, “That motherfucker should have been proud of you. No, scratch that! He should have knocked his cousin on his ass. Then you wouldn't have had to step in.”
