“That question you posed the other night hurt. It hurt because it hit my problem on the head. Is there anyone who isn't panting after me? Oh, yes. None of them are. No one but Xae and Rath.” I made a face. “All right, maybe Finn and definitely Keltyr. But the rest of them don't want me. I mean, they might be attracted to me because I'm not ugly and I'm a bottom, but they don't want to fall in love with me. And how the fuck can I fall in love with someone who I know won't love me back?” I threw my hands up in the air. “It's impossible. Or rather, it's difficult and self-destructive. Falling in love with a man who doesn't want me will torment me. And the whole situation leaves me feeling oddly alone and ugly. Funny, huh? With all these men chasing after me, I feel only embarrassment. I'm humiliated to be an unwanted prize, someone to be endured to achieve their goals. I'm yet another sacrifice for them to make.”
“Holy shit.” Jath gaped at me. “I didn't think of it that way.”
“Those men you lost. They rushed to eat the star fruit not for me. They did it for the chance at power, Jath. They didn't know me. They'd never even seen me before. I can only hope that their deaths will stop other trainees from taking the same risk.”
“So do I.”
“But all that's to say that you aren't like them.”
“What?”
“You're not after me. You don't want me and you're not hiding it. So, of course, I'm attracted to you. I couldn't look away from you. I kept thinking about you. Torturing myself with you.”
“You . . . ?” He was back to gaping.
“Then I realized that it wasn't your looks or your personality that attracted me. It was your honesty. I knew that if you ever did come to desire me, it would be for me. I can trust you. You wouldn't come to me with ulterior motives. And that's damn attractive to me right now.”
“Ember,” Jath whispered.
“No, don't say anything.” I held up my hand. “I'm only telling you this so you'll understand why I don't want to be around you either.”
“What?” he growled.
“I know why I find you appealing. So I can get over it, just as you will hopefully get over your anger toward me. Maybe then we can be friends. But right now, we're both twisted up in delusions of each other. I want what you represent. And you hate what I represent. We need to stay the fuck away from each other until we work through that shit.”
As his jaw dropped once more, I walked away.
“Well done,” Death said.
Chapter Fifteen
I felt good about telling Jath to stay away from me. It was the right thing for both of us. He needed to heal, and I needed to get over my issues with the other Wraith Lords. Maybe I should give Keltyr a try. He was dying to join us, and it wasn't about the power. Or at least, it wasn't mainly about the power. Kel had wanted to get in my pants from the day I arrived at the Wraith Lord Citadel. He was almost obnoxious in his desire for me, but at least I could trust it was real.
And he had replanted the peonies.
With that last thought warming me, I looked across the room to where Keltyr was sitting with a group of friends, throwing dice on the floor. Piles of element crystals sat before each man, with another pile in the center of their circle. The glittering colors told me the bet had gotten high. There were even a few glints of red Fire crystals. Most Wraith Lords loved to gamble. It was yet another way to risk something, and these men were risk-takers. They wouldn't be Lords if they weren't.
Kel cheered as he won, and then his long tail slipped forward to draw the central pile of element crystals to him. I watched that tail. It had always fascinated me. Probably because he had teased me about what he could do with it. Then, as if he could feel my interest, Keltyr swung his head my way and caught me staring. His eyes widened, his smile faltered, and he straightened on his knees. I hurriedly looked back at Dielran, who'd been telling my group a story about his first love—a barmaid in his home city.
Yup, my lovers and I were sitting with the straights. Not that we'd normally avoid them, but these days, I would lead my men to the group with the most straights more often than naught. I just felt more comfortable around men who I knew had no interest in me. My guys knew what I was doing but since they had some issues to deal with too, they didn't pressure me to pick other social groups.
But we all knew I had to choose someone soon.
The sound of boots thudded on the carpet to my left, and I didn't have to look to know who approached.
Sure enough, a few seconds later a hand slid over my shoulder from behind, and Keltyr leaned down, over the back of the couch, to say, “I just had a big win. How about you let me take you to dinner?”
I looked from left to right at my lovers. They stared back steadily at me. Here it was, the time to act. I had to start somewhere, and Kel felt, well, not exactly safe, but comfortable. We were friends, and although he might try to have sex with me, he'd back off instantly if I told him to.
“All right,” I squeaked.
“What was that?” Kel straightened and came around to the front of the couch. His expression was comical in its hopeful shock. “Did you just say yes?”
I cleared my throat and stood up. “I'm getting hungry anyway.” I glanced back at my men and asked, “Do you mind if I go to dinner with Kel?”
Xae's face twitched. He managed to shake his head, though it looked more like he was trying to fling off his anger rather than give consent. He couldn't even look at me.
“Xae?” I asked.
